return to Nimh

okay. so i finished my finals nicely and am now back at home, wallowing in boredom. i dare say i'll soon appreciate lengthy periods of no activity, but for now it's a bit dreary. admittedly, i'm filling my time with writting and looking over notes, planning out my future life, and running back and forth to the doctor. the respitory infection that plagued me has now calmed down to an annoying case of inflammation, so i'm mostly all right. i'm kind of looking forward to next semester; i have english, math, history, and science all lined up. along with yoga and choir! i think i'll enjoy next semster. yep. i should be busy, but that's cool. as long as i don't crack under the pressure or anything. but, with english coming up (we're reading the handmaid's tale...), more history, and an area of science i actually enjoy, i think things will be quite fine. lucky me, i bombed my math placement test and only have to take algebra!! i love algebra. and the science, well, i'm taking the second semester of physical geography and this time we're getting into volcanoes and tectonic plates and rocks...all interesting to me. plus the teacher's pretty awesome. nichols the younger. he sometimes goes off on wild global climate rants, but that's all right. we forgive him.

well, i don't see much else to say, except for the fact that it's good to be back on this blog rather than the other one. i just don't like having to blog for an actual grade. too much to worry about.

LET'S DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN!

last night, i watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show and Pink Floyd's The Wall. i've seen both before, but it's nice to go back. ah! also, i want to launch a formal complaint against the AP classes. that's right. i blame them for my now insane tendency to over-analyse texts. i can't help it. i just can't. i'm flipping through my text books and fighting the urge to take up a pen and rewrite the things. i can hardly read a book without crying. it's a sad state of things.
oh, on other matters...my mom called me today...and told me my doctor can't do anything more for my rib (which came back out of place...along with a second rib on the opposite side) and that i now must go to an orthopedic surgeon in order to fix it. sad, isn't it? well, i'll probably have to wait for christmas, so that i won't have to miss any school.
all right, well it's late and conan o'brien is on...

new blog

like angela, i, too, have decided to create a new blog for extra credit. you can find it here:

http://effiecomp.blogspot.com/

please visit (if you've a mind to)...

apples and daisies

okay, so my world has not imploded...yet. right now, i'm just handling everything...i just read six chapters of my speech textbook in an hour...see? handling it. actually, it wasn't that hard...basically, if you read the main ideas, you can get the point of the text. then, if there are any special lists or diagrams or whatever, i can just sticky-note it as something important to review later. yep. uggh...one thing i DO have to stop procrastinating on is my bonaparte paper. well, i've actually got an outline all ready. unfortunately, it tells me i'm going to have about seven body paragraphs and possibly more than one introduction paragraph. i know; i'm crazy.

so, how is everyone else? adjusting well to the new year, i hope. i feel amazing. and i'm only concerned about one class: my computer class. and that's because i keep studying wrong and missing a lot of stuff on the quizzes (i realized i've been studying as if i were taking a multiple choice test...and they're not multiple choice). but, i'm getting better. and my presentations in there are going well...now, i just have to bring some of that stuff up and do some extra credit. that's right. i'm actually going to care and put real effort into my grades. astonishing, isn't it?

well, i should go on and finish my geography worksheet and get onto figuring out my thesis for my north atlantic current paper. i also have to think up a thesis for my bonaparte paper...and then i have to research a bit more for my debussy paper in music appreciation. guess what? i found some stuff in the text book for that! i should probably check my civilization book for bonaparte (because i don't already have a bunch of giant, boring books just on napoleon...).

Woe be to Bonaparte

So, i talked to Dr. Lawrence (the new director of the honors program, and also the literary magazine person) and found out that i could do a project from the class of my choice to fill in for the other honors requirement. So of course I picked my survey of civ class...and i'm doing a paper on Napoleon Bonaparte. Yep. I'm thinking of focusing it on his military endeavors, especially his brash march into Russia. i'm really quite excited about it. oddly enough, i rather like writing essays and such. it's a fun (well, besides the MLA thing. ick). Yep. I also have term papers in my geography class and my music appreciation class. in geography, i'm probably going to do something relating to the ice age (probably possible causes of a new ice age and what would be the consequences of that). and i'm not sure what my topic is in music appreciation yet (because it's going to be about a composer, and mr. bauman has yet to tell us any hint about it...but i'm waiting).

so, i'm going to go and find some ebooks on bonaparte (because i don't want to leave my dorm room to go to the library) and start on my research. i think i might just also begin my geo. research as well (more so that i can get a general idea of my topic than anything else).

ja ne!

In absolute insanity

okay, so i've started classes. yay! finally. and i nearly gave the parsimonious scot in me a stroke by getting all of my books ($652 in total) in one day. yikes. luckily, tho, it was paid for by my scholarships and stuff (note to self: remember to light candles every year for wonderful scholarship people). Well, I've already been given a written assignment. For honors music appreciation. We had to type up this half-page comparison paper...and i went a little overboard. oh, it didn't go over a page, but i still went all out for it. three paragraphs and no be-verbs to speak of. sigh. really, i should learn to control myself. i think it's okay, though, because the honors music appreciation class works in conjunction with the honors english 101 (which i'm not in...so i have to go and speak to someone about additional projects or something). Angela and I are also on the hunt for Ms. Louisa Franklin, the woman in charge of the literary magazine here...but, she hasn't been in her posted locations, so it's hard to pin her down (incidentally, she is the one i have to talk to about those honors projects).
my schedule is rather nice. i have three classes on monday (plus a two+ hour lab to go with my science class), two class on tuesday, three on wednesday, one on thursday, and three on friday...yep. i have five classes. 16 hours. my mom was complaining that the load would be too much, but i think i can handle it...until that mental breakdown. then things could get hairy.
our dorm is nice, if lacking in any sort of color...uggh, so many white walls. luckily for us, tho, we had a giant poster of ireland we pinned up on the wall...and we got to hide the other walls with furniture...now, all we have to do is cover up the puke-beige of our built-in closets/drawers...

And she is lost in the garden of woe...

so, today i've been really...well, bored. haha. i'm almost always bored, right? well, i decided to do something about it today...so i watched a U2 concert, Hitchhiker's Guide, and Rent. I also, oddly enough, went around my house singing U2 songs and stuff from the Clash. my mom gave me her i-have-no-idea-WHERE-you-came-from look and then went about her business...funny stuff. but, right now, i'm reading manga and entertaining myself by bopping about to music only i can hear. you really should try it sometime; it's quite fun.
well, there's really nothing else to report, so i guess i'll go now...and try and come up with entry titles which don't seem so gloom-and-doom...

wow. such civility from such a boorish idiot...

uggh. i am so tired. okay. so i got shot up with steriods on tuesday so that the muscles around my ribcage would relax enough to let my rib settle back in place. yeah. the doctor had to give me the injection right over my unconforming rib (it hurt). at that point, once i got over the initial pain of having a giant needle shoved nearly to my bone, i thought everything would be honkey dory. but no. what they don't tell you is that having a bone "settle back in place" hurts. bad. but, fortunately, i've a had a little bit of emotional trauma this week, so everything's all balanced out. which is good. i wouldn't want to feel emotionally exultant with my ribs aching so much. it just wouldn't be right.
but, no. seriously. i'm fine, just really tired. i get to take aspirin if i hurt too much so i'm only ever in discomfort rather than real pain. and it really does feel as if my rib has decided to conform. so this will all be over soon. i hope. what really baffles me still, though, is how exactly it got that way in the first place. it's a real mystery.
okay, on the non-health issues...my younger brother went back to school yesterday. such a weird feeling not to have started the first day of school with him. but, you know, i got over it. i've been home sick so many times that it doesn't bother me when he's at school and i'm not. oh, but he's a senior. and hopefully he won't fail any classes this year. if he does, he won't have enough credits to graduate, poor thing. and then we'd have to explain to my grandmother why he isn't graduating. well, my mother will. and she would not be happy about that, let me assure you.
so, i move in to the dorms a week from now. i really can't wait, mainly because it's this "i'm so close it's getting annoying" waiting is just hard. still, not too eager to begin the rest of my life. a bit intimidating, i can assure you. but, things will work out. now whether it comes out bad or good has yet to be seen.

desperation lasts for only a measure

Why does the heart beat slow to those rhythms we never notice? And why does it quicken, draw our attention when we wish for time to stop? footsteps beat patiently across floors, though our paces grow restless, uneasy. where do those footsteps lead? and why can we not see their purpose? we can never know, i think, where we are meant to walk, but that abscence of knowledge still wounds, still saddens. and the heart, despite its yearnings, grows weary with every frantic, searching thought. things flicker to life from shadowy, unknown corners and we cry to soften their slow burn. we would seek to stop the endless, blazing fear that loneliness will take us. Why does the heart beat so strongly when it seems so weak? And how can we urge the nocturne which sounds in the deepest part of ourselves into a trilling, triumphant symphony? Ah, but such fanfare only makes the contrast of a longing heart sharper. What but a graceful sonata can warm us? Still, time cares little for the notes our hearts play. It listens only in fervent devotion to the endless beat of our footfalls, pacing itself to always outdistance us. For time sees all things and pulls us inexorably towards the fates we unwittingly choose. So where do we stand, heartbroken and weary? Where else but against the wind, the triumph of our lives tugging at our lips?

The thing that Haunts us

so i read breaking dawn...it was pretty good. not to mention there were a few surprising moments for me, which is quite rare in books for me these days. i won't reveal anything here, of course, but i was bouncing off the walls just reading it. i'm probably going to re-read it tonight. it was THAT good. i've only ever re-read one other book the same day i first read it (maybe two, i can't remember).
so other than that, i had a nice day. well, mostly. at least until a couple of minutes ago. "sigh." parentals, especially non-parental-parentals, can be sooooo pissy. and moody. but, whatever. not my problem. i'll just be glad to get away for a while...it will calm my constitution. hah. kind of archaic, using the word "constitution" to mean my temperament and state of mind. well, no big deal, i think. i can be archaic if i so choose.
okay. well, there was something else i wanted to mention, but i seem to have forgotten. funny, when thinking of constitutions. but, i've got books on the brain. what was it i was thinking in the car on the way home? something like books being actual things to love? i think that was it; i can't remember too much because it was this morning. but, think about it. it's so easy to have a love-affair with a book, to close off the rest of the world and just dive in, emersing yourself in the energy of the story. words dance on off-white paper, beckoning the eyes. your fingers touch the pages and--especially with a good book--your desire to turn to the next part, the next chapter, is almost a compulsion. ah, but if a book seduces, then a bibliophile surely falls willingly. you get drawn in and the very earth could drop away. little else matters beyond going forward, exploring more. ah, so funny that words carry such double meanings. one simple word, one tiny phrase, can raise the awareness, can evoke a most unlimited response from an already captive heart.
ah, but i say all those things after just having spent a good eight hours with a wonderful book. so i must say i'm a bit biased. so, i'm going to go now, and find some other type of inanimate object to rhapsodize about...

The annoyance is clear

so, my week has gone pretty well, i think. of course, i can't remember much (it went by so slowly, so quickly). now i am just waiting for a certain e-mail...and reading a new book that i got (yay!!!!!). i'm getting a new book tomorrow, too. exciting, huh? ahh...so much drama unfolds around me, you'd think i'd be affected. but, it doesn't really work that way. my life is hardly touched by things around me, mainly because i'm either not paying attention or my mind is centered on other things (mainly my own problems...does that make me vain and self-centered? if i am, then i'm too selfish to worry about it. so there). sometimes, i mainly wonder if i've buried myself so deep that people don't see me. which may or may not be a good thing.
ah, but these little things are not important. especially when humans are self-centered creatures at heart. everything everyone does (i must admit, there can be exceptions) is done in order to satisfy some feeling or want...so people hardly care about the deeper feelings of others; those deeper, shadowy emotions frighten them. or confuse them. it's much easier to look at everything from the surface. thus the basis of morality and society today. if that makes any sense.
well, look at me, babbling on when no one cares...well, i should go...bye!

when the loop breaks free

i'm busy watching heroes. well, obviously not so busy that i can't post. have you ever wondered about the nature of the world? i don't mean the molecules or atoms which make it up, or anything like that. no, i'm talking about the sense of it all. the feeling behind it. every little thing evokes an emotion. now, it is a possibility that our brains are trained to react to certain stimuli in such a way that a certain feeling is prompted when looking at a specific object or sight. however, what, in the nature of such an object/sight prompts the evocation of the stimuli? what basic aspect or principle of a flower brings a smile to tug at the lips? and how was such a reflex born? i want that, the history of it, the rudimentary building of ideas and circumstances which built a foundation for it. i want to glimpse that first domino among millions, that single push which is still causing those tiny ivory pieces to topple.
history. much like those first halting responses of a prehistoric mind, creates a base upon which we stand. but is it really a building so much as a tapestry, where each single thread builds into the next to create a complex system whose single purpose is to build a single design? i want to see those woven cords, the interlocking features which create the pattern. but, is it odd not to want to view the whole of it? everyone wants that picture, that image which, when viewed in one piece, will reveal the reason, the secret. but i don't. is it odd to want to stay among the threads, to immerse myself in them until the picture doesn't matter. because, as much as we crave that whole meaning, the real meaning lies beneath. the real mystery lies with the weaver.

ah. i went off on some non-linear thinking pattern. sorry. heroes can do that. well, if you got through the mess i just wrote, i should congratulate you. after all, it must be very boring...ciao.

not-so-happy 100th

i went to the doctor's today. one of my ribs separated from the others and is out of place. so i'm on muscle relaxers now. plus, i've lost ten pounds since the beginning of summer. my own fault, really. i've been having trouble with my stomach and haven't been eating as much as i should. my stepdad blames it on the fact that i'm a picky eater. he basically told me i was lying when i said that i get sick when i eat "heavy foods." "what's a heavy food?" ... duh. any red meats, anything considered rich. and fish. don't know what's wrong with me that i don't like fish, but the smell of it makes me nauseous. i hardly even eat chocolate anymore (excepting the wonderful pocky). but, yeah. apparently (according to good-ol' stepdad), it's all in my head. and the getting physically ill part is just my imagination. thanks for the vote of confidence. I'M NOT A FREAKING HYPOCHONDRIAC!!! i know when something's wrong with me, and i'm normally right, too. whatever. i probably should go and get some x-rays at some point, so i'll do that in a couple of weeks. oh. yeah. and milk messing with my sinuses is, i've just heard, "a lame excuse to not get calcium." ...okaaay...no. really, i like calcium. it's a nice thing to have; it's in yogurt, and cheese, ice cream, and cake. see? it's just milk i have a problem with. or, as my stepdad would say, "problem" with.
but, on a lighter note (not really lighter), the prescription for my glasses is to a -9 now. nice.
so, i'll just go and take my muscle relaxer now and play around with my rib for a bit (i'm supposed to stretch and whatnot, see if it gets better...he also doesn't want it to get stuck where it is...because then i'd have to get it broken and reset...)
well, bye!

accidentals

I had a very unusual dream last night...but i won't bore you with the details. ah! i had to go to the dentist today. yikes, right? well, i have to get a filling and the dentist gave me some toothpaste to help strengthen my teeth (because he says i drink too many sugary drinks). but, other than that, it was all fine. on thursday, though, i have to go to the eye doctor's. i don't really want to. who knows how bad they'll tell me my eyesight is? and after that, i have to go to the doctor because of my ribs. my mom's worried about it, even though i think my ribs just came out of place again. still, it's good i'm going. i was due for a checkup, anyway.
well, here's to health. and a dream bandroom located in the deepest part of a manufactured cavern...
well, bye. i have to go write more fanfic stuff...

Through the utter despair

ugh. if it weren't for the fact that the show was so awesome and the finale so kick ass, i could hate the creators of Avatar: the Last Airbender. really, i mean, i could hate them for the loose ends not tied, the fact that the series has ended (despite network and fan complaints), and the fact that they completely decimated zutara. i really think i could hate them for that last one. But, really, i loved the two-hour finale--it was so masterfully done--and i can tell that, even if they don't continue Aang's story, the producers of the show will at least move on with other characters...and the avatar idea. it makes me sad, though, that this particular show has ended. the artistry was beautiful, the story incredible, and the execution nearly perfect. ah, but i always have hope. the DVD's are coming out soon...and by 2010, M. Night Shyamalan should release his take on the mini epic. so complete and utter despair hasn't quite taken me yet (though i was pretty close for a minute). of course, i didn't get to watch the finale live--my family wouldn't DARE allow me 2 hours of prime time with the television--but i woke up at about 7:30 this morning (after falling asleep around 4-something) in order to watch the recording. all in all, i enjoyed watching it...and i couldn't stop smiling! i just hope that the producers of the show will make good on their hint of another avatar story...
still, i'm crying over an animated television show. it's a bit embarassing. i don't normally cry unless devastating things happen and yet i feel horrible about the ending of avatar. aww...so sad. it was a great show, highly rated, and it could have gone on for a long while. but, the story was such that it had to come to a conclusion. it took its basis in anime and, like that genre, Avatar was always set to be a closed circle. perhaps that, in a sense, is what made the show so good--that sense of a complete story, not just a jumble of random adventures. like its influences--lord of the rings and star wars--it tells its story in an epic fashion. and there are not many shows like that. i think that's what i'm going to miss the most.
well, enough lamenting. i have some fanfiction to write, because i AM going to make zutara happen, even if i have to write it myself. ja ne!

in a daze

okay, so i went to START weekend at YHC...it was pretty damn fun, i must admit. i had a great time, especially after the little pizza party. we went to a rave (which wasn't a rave at all, more like a teeny dance party with a strobe light and non-rave music). and then i wandered around with some of the other kids when angela went to her room. i met this kid named christian. he's pretty cool...he likes anime and manga and went to japan. still don't know what i think about him, tho. anyway, i wandered around the campus until two thirty and then went to play pool and dominoes...and then i went to sleep about 3:30. not that late, actually, since i had been up until 8 in the morning the day before...
ah! registered for my classes. i'm taking honor's music appreciation, intro to computers, intro to public speaking, physical geography, and survey of civilization II. of course, i'm supposed to be taking two honors courses but, as i exempted out of english 101, they didn't sign me up for it...so i have to talk to louisa franklin, the woman in charge, and see what other project or class i would have to take this semester in order to stay in the honors program. so complicated, isn't it?
well, i should get back to my lounging around...ja!

so the spell ends...

i've decided... ... ... what have i decided? to take out one of my stories, dust it off, and begin writing it again. it's one of my most...resilient? pervasive?...stories; it jsut keeps drawing me back...and angela likes it. i've decided it's been on the shelf for a long while, so i'm trying to write it down, but i've had so many first versions of it, it's hard to start again and pick it up. still, i'm trying.
well, i'm off to write and brainstorm. bye!

a bookery dream

so my parents returned early from their trip. not that they didn't absolutely enjoy themselves. no, in fact, they loved it up in virginia. they said the only reason they came back early was because, if they hadn't, they would have come back to tell us we were moving. my parents are like that. they're not impulsive buyers...except when it comes to houses. and i have no doubt they would have come back with the deed to a new house. in fact, while they were gone, i half expected it. good thing they left early, huh?
well, they brought back scores of pictures from their journey on the blue ridge parkway. and it's beautiful. absolutely beautiful. i wish i had gone. but, alas, i was left home. still, there's always hope. my parents are promising they will move up there at some point. so, nothing to worry about.
okay, so that's all for today...bye!

broken sunshine

so...bored...
my parents left on some road trip, the first real trip they've taken without us...ever. it's fine with me; i hardly notice it. but i'm not allowed to go anywhere while they're gone. which sucks. i mean, i can only find so much amusement online.
ugh. all right. today is what, the thirtieth? last day of june? monday, right? yeah...all weekend with just my brothers has driven me up the wall...but, really, they're more afraid of me when my parents aren't home than when they are. so at least they're being more behaved than usual. still, the first of july is tomorrow...and, while i'm glad that the summer is nearly half over (seriously. you just don't understand how boring my summers tend to be...well, on a day-to-day basis. white water rafting was fun), i'm getting antsy. a whole bunch of much-anticipated books come out this summer...at the end of july. in august. so far away, really...still, i'm sure the time will fly...and soon enough, i'll find myself walking around the college, tearing my hair out over the fact that i have so much to do...i'll be wishing for the large amounts of free time i have on my hands right now...even if it is boring.
in the meantime, i've been amusing myself by looking up gothloli stuff...not that i'd actually get anything...still, it's pretty cool. but, unfortunately, all the good costumes are sold in japan and are really, really expensive...not to mention the shipping...so, yet again, never going to get anything...
all right, enough rambling. i'm off to find something to keep me occupied for a while...maybe i'll go and watch more monty python (nobody expects the spanish inquisition!). bye!

finite nuances

i got my laptop! yay! finally. i'm pretty happy. yeah, but it seems like my laptop is going ot be the cause of many a sleepless night. my laptop now allows my brain to go faster when it wants to randomly make things up. i mean, i type waaaay faster than i can actually write...so last night was long...and i managed to get a lot of things done, oddly enough. it also might give me neck and back problems, as i was leaning down to see the screen for nearly four hours straight...sitting hunched over is not good for posture, apparently. huh. who knew?
well, other than that, i'm about to freak out because i can't find a whole bunch of my files. yep. i had them on a cd and the cd just up and disappeared. can't find it anywhere...that disk is like five years worth of creative work and it's nowhere to be found. and i have to find it because the files on my old computer won't convert, and i don't exactly feel like taking forever to simply copy and paste the work into some other program. believe me; it takes a while. so, i guess i'm going to have to tear apart my house looking for it.
oh, my parents are gone for the weekend/week. yep...woke up at like four this morning and went off on their little road trip. and my mom HAD to wake me up. she came in, shook me awake, and told me they were about to leave. and they left. yeah, after about an hour of going in and out of the house, slamming the door each and everytime, stomping around the house, and generally making as much noise as possible. lovely. so i've been up for a while...with very little sleep last night, as my laptop kept me amused and awake for a good long time.
well, i should leave now...i've got more things to do...ja na.

lonely but for the faerie raft beneath...

darkness creeps, nary a hint of sun, as she leans from the window, gazing in wonder at the stars whose colors shine with a different light. and what does her frame lay upon but a hill filled with shining hopes? those thoughts and dreams twine about her and sink below to fill halls of silver and gold, where the fairest dwell in ease. a mighty court, dressed in finery and word-spun silk, gaze up at those threads which bring to them the world. and so well did her heart beat they stole her from the hilltop, whispering lullabies along the way. so forever did she stay beneath, still form dressed in colors unknown, to sleep and dream for the eternal fae.
dreams are but whispers in the ears of time, slowly drifting as observers, helpless in sleep, are swept up with the current. sleep not upon hills of impossible green for who knows what visions lurk beneath?

dancing in moonlight

so the solstice is tonight. i have no real special plans...but, gosh...the full moon was yesterday, wasn't it? so close. but, back to solstice plans...you know, every year my mom and i get invited to this big midsummer festival out in the midwest. i'm going to go one year, i swear. unfortunately, lack of funds keeps me pretty much stationary...awww...and it looked so fun this year, too! well, like i said: someday...for now, i can only have small celebrations. but, sadly, as i work tomorrow, i can't really do anything...which is sad. i'd really like to have spent the day making cakes, dancing and singing, and just being generally merry. i wish i could have woken up with the sun and whatnot, spent the day in fun, festival-like activities, and then watched the sun set...but i didn't. i woke up at noon (after being up until like half an hour before the sun rose), and then i had a giant dose of laziness and spent most of my time playing Final Fantasy...but, hey...it works. i had a nice day of rest...
well, this is my last weekend of work. yay. now the rest of my summer can be spent without having to worry about the stupid little dramas of the nursing home...god, it's worse than high school in that place, what with all the grudges, talking behind people's backs, and gossip. it's really quite tiring. besides, my lungs are really acting up this summer...and my ribs, too...so it's better if i get some rest and see the doctor and whatnot before college.
speaking of college, i'm pretty excited. a bit apprehensive, but excited. i am ready for it. well, not quite. my laptop still hasn't arrived. in fact, the order was canceled and i had to reorder it. partly my fault. i don't normally remember to check my e-mail on a daily basis and missed an important e-mail...which sucks, but hopefully i'll get my laptop soon...considering i first ordered it a month ago...
i want it to rain. i like the rain. but everytime it rains, i'm either cooped up at work or asleep. i like to dance. and the rain glitters so invitingly.

"Perhaps we've been incorrectly labeled..."

so the scottish festival was fun. i didn't really get to go on saturday...well, except for the concert for Hunting McLoed (spl?). we made so many friends there. and, well, i just can't explain in words how awesome it was...
okay, onto something else...ah! i have three more days of working at the nursing home and then i'm gone...and then next month i'm going to the doctory, the eye doctor, the lung specialist, and whatnot...you know, to make sure that i have everything in order for college...i might have to go and get another TB test, seeing as i work at the nursing home...but i already had one...so, i might just have to get those records sent over to yhc...idk. but i will, most likely, have to get another one b/c i got a TB test when i started and i've been there for a while. well, whatever.
so, basically, i'm not really doing anything for the rest of the summer. except, well, to go to START at yhc and have some fun with angela and liz. and whoever...will's birthday is on the 11th, so we'll have to see what's happening with that...i wonder if he's doing anything for his birthday or if he'll have it later, considering he's going to START on that day...
well, enough of my ramblings...i'm going to write some and listen to the wonderful Narnian music that's playing from my living room...that's right. my parents are watching narnia. and the ONLY reason i'm not in there watching it with them is because i've already got most of the film memorized.
all right, bye, people!

sunshine, daisies...and a snowstorm!

eh, i can't wait until the weekend...it's going to be so fun...liz is coming for the weekend and the scottish festival is going to be here! isn't it great??? i just hope it doesn't rain too much...i don't mind the rain, really, but the festival might be canceled if it rains too much...which would be horrible. IT'S RAIN, PEOPLE! WATER! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MELT!!!!
i missed the festival last year because my mother was being idiotic...so i've been waiting for a LONG time for this weekend. i really have...
uggh...my laptop got delayed in production so it won't be shipped out for another week...that just makes me sad. i've been waiting for weeks...
well, there's not much else to say here...i mean, i don't lead the most interesting of lives...okay...so my room is now covered in post-it-notes...but, really, that's not too interesting...i mean, i've had maybe ten-fifteen hours of sleep in the past 72 hours...but it doesn't mean i'm cracked. yeah...well, the post-its are a product of my over-active imagination (which tends to wake up just around the time i want to go to sleep so i'm forced to turn my light back on, fumble around for pen and paper, put my glasses back on, and spend the next two or three hours writing stuff many people would consider nonsense...but, hey...it's all good, really!). i just HAD to research names, and then go on to write a few more scenes...really, this story is building differently than my other ones in the fact that it is NOT going in sequential order (like my stories normally do). and that just annoys...so, not only do i have to quick write these scenes down, but i also have to take the time to put them in order with the rest of my random pieces of paper.
but, enough about THAT. as i said, completely boring and non-interesting. so, i shall have to say farewell...

What do butterflies care?

okay, so it's hot. really hot. but not so hot as it is just plain muggy. horrible, really. and to think, i haven't been using my normal five blankets. it's surprising. even in summer i'm normally cold, but not this time. and it's not even summer yet! and, no matter how many times my step-dad cuts back the ivy, it just keep creeping in...we're being taken over. oh! but, speaking of plants, i planted some...yeah, just a little bit ago...some sweetpea, mint, forget-me-nots, basil, catnip, rosemary, and i think that's it...i might be forgetting something, but it's okay. the plant, i'm sure, will forgive me.
so, is there any drama for me to report? well, none that i'd care to. well, except for the fact that i am so extremely bored, i would like to cry. but, hey...nothing new there. my life is not interesting...unless you count my crazy family interesting. but, really, after living with it for a while, it's just annoying. no longer interesting in the least. sorry.
oh, how i would like to report that i've been sleeping well, not disturbed by random, made up facts for a story i haven't even really started yet. but, alas, i AM disturbed. i would like to, right now, tell my imagination that i am really tired of all the sleepless nights, the sudden need to get up and abandon my long-awaited tv show...that i really would like, now and then, to eat something other than crackers and string cheese. but, hey, it's not going to listen to me. i've tried it before...doesn't work. but at least i've been eating a little bit more than i used to...i mean, i added cheese...and i eat hotpockets and chicken every now and then...wow...looking back on all of my summers, i know now why i stayed under a hundred pounds for so long...i didn't really start gaining too much weight until i started working at dominos last summer...and i was all too glad to gain weight there. mmm...pizza.
well, back to sheer boredom...i would watch a movie or something, but i don't know what i want to watch...there are so many...or i could (sigh) go and draw that map my story's been screaming at me to draw...but, you know, i still have to get a few things in order before i do that...i guess i could outline those three religions...THAT's going to be fun. not. i have to put threads of each into the others and then set down the differences, make sure nothing's too repetitive, you know, the usual stuff...i mean, they're basically in sequential order...just separated by maybe a thousand years or so...speaking of which, after i set down the general basis for each one, i have to go through any evolutions on the part of the actual practices, any corruptions, degenerations, all that good stuff...yeah, my imagination YET AGAIN taking over my life...
well, i should get cracking...bye!

aww, crap! i have to start on that language...i have to at least have it for some of the religious rituals i KNOW i'm going to have to write down...dammit...and there's one crucial part of the plot which revolves around that language...grr...i hate me...well, not really...i just annoy the crap out of myself sometimes...now, am i going to base it off the english language structure, or get down into the latin languages? or i could go completely random and base it off of something else...hmm...must think on this...

cry into the night's rain

when it rains, we touch a sky lowered by sorrow. gray and filled with clouds, that hidden, endless expanse reflects a troubled heart with such ease--even as the cool air seeps through imagined barriers. but in the rain lies a secret triumph. drops of water, so crystalline and glimmering, hide what tears we shed. so the world remains happy in the face of a crowded emptiness.can you imagine the horror of the rain in a solitude world? the water drips, eerie and loud, against ears no longer used to laughter. do not leave us in the rain alone, friend of mine. we cannot bear to dance in this dim without your light.

but the rain, as always, passes, lifting the pall that grips our hearts. yet, without you, Oh glimmering Star, the world continues on, not as bright, not as glorious as before the storm. so do not blink out, do not fail those dreams you set. for if your wishes flicker and disappear, how will we find our way back to the memories you gave? we ask not for a new sun in the dark, but rather a candle in the night. confort us again, i beg, and leave us not alone in this desperate, starless night. though we clasp the hands of others, we cannot coax the moon to rise without youe smile.

please, mind not the rainstorm we harbor. think only of your own troubled seas. we will follow when these clouds clear again.

such a pity it is my voice cannot wing its way to your wounded heart.

ahh...the bliss of summer...

yeah. right. my first official weekday of summer break and everything is sooo confusing. i woke up this morning to angry phone messages from my stepdad demanding why no one is answering the phone. my mom is nowhere to be seen...so i wander around, investigating. i find her outside, with my brothers, playing with the ground. so i go back in, grab the phone, and demand she call my stepdad because he, apparently, has something important to tell her. so she gets on and tells him to leave her alone because she's digging. oooookay...so my stepdad comes home for lunch and goes and asks her why she's digging. apparently, she doesn't have a reason. she just wants to dig a hole. yeah. welcome to my life. isn't it just completely logical? see why i can never be normal? i mean, my mother digs holes...for fun...and my dad is off somewhere, being all computer-geeky, playing a song, or...well, he doesn't do much else...
oh, yeah...life after high school is starting out beautifully...well, i should go...

And now comes the eventide

so my last day of school wasn't as completely devastating as i thought it would be. in fact, the only times i almost cried were when i read kriegy's little message and when mrs. durbin started to cry...school today was pretty normal, really...except for the inordinate amount of hugs i got...now, off to the wonderful before-college-summer where there will be much working and contemplating of existenc-ness...yeah...
oh! i took off from school about twenty minutes early so that angela, jennifer, liz, and i could go and see The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian. very good movie by the way, even though there were some deviations...but they were good, really, and made the whole thing just a tad more in depth...there was, of course, the typical hollywood romance going on (just a teeny bit...three glances, a rescue, and a kiss), but it was okay. speaking of, caspian was very sexy...
well, anyway, though this be the end of the AP class, i shall continue on with my blog, even if the updates come further from each other than before...
well, bye all!

The Last Days

so i have two more days (not including the graduation practice crap)! yeah...and they continue to go by like a snail trapped in amber. but wait! apprehension is setting in (like, i'm gonna trip on my way to get my diploma, aren't i?). isn't it wonderful? ah, but i still have to go to work.
haha...debbie, my boss, asked me if i was going to work full time this summer. ... ... ... like hell. no WAY am i going to work full time when that place sucks the life out of you in just four hours. sure, it'd be nice to get benefits. but i'm not willing to be in the hospital all the time to get them (it'd happen, i know it would; those nursing homes have all kind of random illnesses floating around, waiting for a young person to pounce on). besides, i'll probably be quitting halfway through the summer anyway. as i have no car and am probably getting a job on campus, having a job in blairsville would be idiotic. not to mention annoying to anyone i roped in to driving me (probably angela or liz. poor things. they drive me around enough as it is).

all right. onto the juicy bits. the AP test. I can't tell anyone anything about the multiple choice...EVER (but i think i can say that i thought them easier than the lit questions). And I can't discuss the essay questions until friday (really, what do they think our teachers are going to do in that two-day after period? hunt down our essays and change them? quick e-mail the questions to their study-buddies in other states?). but i will say that i think my strongest essay was my synthesis essay. i feel pretty good about that one.
what sucks most about the AP test (you mean besides the fact that it's so long so early in the morning?). well, we won't get the results back until july. that SUCKS. really, we deserve immediate results just for showing up.

well, i suppose i should stop where i am; i have to put icing on two more cupcakes and then they'll be ready. bye!

wait, here's a trivia question: what's worse than having the AP exam first thing in the morning?
A: having two japanese songs (one in which "PEACH" is yelled out a billion times) and "rebelde" stuck in my head while taking the AP exam.

oops

so i haven't updated in a while...a week, right? well, i'm sorry. i've been working a lot and then there were other things that occupied my mind. forgive me if i forgot. oh! i started another fan fic...which i might just go and see about continuing in a moment...yeah, i should probably do that.
well, today has been an interesting day, certainly. this morning, we had our reading checks and, for the life of me, i couldn't remember anything but random details which didn't help me. Like, i completely flaked on the rally and i'm pretty sure that i got the childbirth thing wrong...but, hey, at least i remembered that Davy was the third son, even if i didn't remember his name.
all right...so the update is complete. now, onto other things...like spanish, where i'll want to fall asleep (and likely will!). bye now.

so it all ends with a trill

prom was fun. at least, i thought it was. my group might have made quite a lot of people feel awkward or freaked out but, hey, that's what we do. so i danced with a complete stranger (once...he sorta freaked me out...) and danced with some other guys, too...like walker, and steven, and mugen, and will (once and only because he seemed like he was having fun). and i danced with liz, angela, beth, ellie, and a few others...which was fun...our group also got into a giant circle more than once for the slow dances...which gave us much amusement (i think we had eleven or twelve people at one point!). after prom was kinda fun--in that sedate, all-we-want-to-do-is-fall-down sorta way...we ended up getting to the cabin and collapsing on the couches (after divesting ourselves of our prom attire) to watch tv. we watched beverly hills cop. and with will there, it was even more hysterical. we all made random comments while angela and i dozed off (i remember waking up every couple of minutes to throw out random sentences which, most likely, didn't make any sense). well, angela and i finally crawled upstairs and started watching the craft...in lieu of roots. i believe ellie, kaitlyn, and ashley came up after that, and we all kinda drifted off to the movie. this morning was fun, tho...we all woke up about ten (earlier for maybe three people, tho)...and went downstairs to bug each other. we all ended up strewn about the sitting room, watching Kong and eating oreos. we also poked, tickled, and threated each other as much as possible (in between the jokes and hilarity). so, all in all, it was pretty fun...despite how my saturday went (asthma attack, allergic reaction, benedryl mishap, no water, cold shower, argument with parentals over my non-dating status during prom...).
okay...so i'm going to attempt to find the latest three episodes of bleach...grr. some people are putting up fake episodes just to mess with us who are devoted...i hate them all!
well, bye!

ahhh! the dreams of fairies!

so i got to look after the two cutest kids ever...well, almost ever. arien and aidan were over today (3-year-old and 7 mo. old...in that order))...their dad came to fish and his wife made him bring them...and they're so cute! awww...both have blonde hair...but arien has blue-green eyes and riotous blond curls while aiden has blue-gray eyes and dark blonde hair (which will most likely turn to brown when he's older). and this right after having to deal with old people. but, hey...the kids were well-behaved (well, aidan slept most of the time, being his baby-self in the middle of the day). and all i had to do was entertain arien a bit (by painting her nails and letting her send undecipherable messages to angela). well, it was a fun afternoon to spend, despite my being completely drained. so i'm gonna go and watch some tv and hope i fall asleep quick.
well, bye!

when i'm off chasing butterflies...

all right. i have nothing new to report, no exciting news or anything like that...wait...i got string cheese!!!! yeah, not that exciting. so, though hopes are being toppled by the world, i've been alarmingly cheerful. i think it's a side effect of too many hot pockets. or the weather. it could be the weather, not that i'm outside enough to know.
yey! my spring break started today! yes! three days of total, unbelievable freedom!isn't it great? ah, i found another anime to obsess over. i know everyone cares, so i'll fill you in. you and the ivy that has begun to twine around my computer desk...yeah, that stuff has successfully infiltrated. it should be congratulated. anyway...back to the anime. i had started on fullmetal alchemist (which, for normal anime-junkies, is one of the first to watch) but then i moved onto DN Angel, which is pretty good...although someday, after i've rewatched all 160+ episodes of bleach and the entire Mobile Suit Gundam Wing (for the third time), i might get back to fullmetal alchemist...first, tho, i think i might check out blood+, watch the miyazaki films again, and then maybe a few random anime movies i find on animekiosk...yep...okay, i know this is a bit weird of me, but, really, what else do i have to do? i mean, it's not like i have any new books i can read. and i've already read the ones i have three to four times (more like twenty for some of my favorites).
ah! look at the time! it's almost 12:30! my day is half done! gee...well, i'll just go and do something now...maybe talk to my family. lord knows what they've been up to since the last time we spoke. they could've done anything in the past week! well, anyway...sayonara!

Until Nefertiti is found, we can't speak of this doom

i am SO excited...about what? well, there are somethings i can tell you and one you'll have to wait a couple more days for...oh, but for the things i can tell you! oh! there's this one book that's coming out this summer that i'm really psyched about...and i just went on the author's site and found out that the book is the beginning of a four-part thingie she's embarking on (with other books in between). well, anyway...this book, which i've been looking forward to for a long, long while...well, it's leading up to this book about a character i absolutely love...even tho i've met him in only one book...but i know he's awesome...and that book will lead into the book of one of my other favorite, mysterious characters...and that will lead to a brand new (but probably totally wondermus) character...isn't it great? but, i know you don't care...yep...it's acheron, jaden, savitar, and then mystery dude...eeeek! it's so exciting...i just cannot believe it! oh, this summer is going to be so awesome for books!
this weekend has been full of work, work, work! and tomorrow i have to get up at five to get ready for work...which will totally suck...but it's all good...i'll get sleep in somehow...
well, no one pays attention beyond a certain point anyway, so i'll just say goodbye...

my words tumble forth in a manner most confusing

i'm so excited! about what, you ask? eh, nothing in particular...i'm just happy spring break is coming soon. maybe i'll get some rest, despite the fact i'll proabbly be working the whole time. but, hey, who's complaining? well, i'm in an exceptionally good mood right now, which is great...i mean, i just got attacked by a goose, for goodness' sake! yep. a goose. i don't blame it...i mean, i accidentally got too close to its nest and then it started hissing and honking right before it flew up and tried to beat me with its wings...luckily i got away...and all was well. but before that, i ended up going out onto the porch (gasp! you actually went outside?)...and talked to my mom and stepdad for a good while...i don't exactly remember the last time i did something like that...well, i should go, considering i've got a bit more of the jungle to read...bye!

blossoms, like snow, fall upon the tender grass which by monstrous boots is trodden

so i feel relieved...and guilty...i probably could've handled the situation better, but it needed to be done...and now that it is, i regret any hurt i caused...and i'm sure a i caused quite a bit...but freedom, they say, costs a bit, even if it costs a revolution of self...
so! the pathways reception was awesome...it was fun...tho it seemed shorter than usual. funny, that...and not as many people came. but, seriously, it was of major amusement for a good while. afterwards was a bit odd, but that's mainly my fault...i just had to pick that day, huh? well, it was inevitable...better now than some other less opportune time, yes? well, there's not much else to report, unfortunately, other than the fact that i feel i haven't gotten any real sleep in months...yet again, my own fault...i really should try and sleep more...but there are so many interesting books and such; i just can't leave them be for something so trivial as sleep. but i like sleep, really, i do...my dreams are quite vivid...and every bit as interesting as my books. still, books can be deliberately read again...while dreams are evanescent, fleeting. so that should cause me to choose dreams over books, right? well, books are tangible...and they smell good.
well, i must say goodnight; it is getting late...midnight, you know...and i have to be up early tomorrow...

when chapstick runs away

so Love Monster and Vampire Knight were updated. yay! i've been waiting for those two manga chapters forever! well, not forever...more like a month and a half. but, hey! they updated! it's so wonderful. and, yes, i know no one cares. but i just had to say it. so exciting.
well, my weekend was nice. i learned a couple of things and my resolve about something in particular ended up strengthened...so a good weekend after all...and then there were one or two things i did...yep...but i'm not gonna tell! no, really, nothing happened. i might as well be in boreville. except that angela and liz were with me, so things were quite lively.
oh! that reminds me. i made whiskey cakes this weekend with angela. yep. they were so fluffy and yummy, it was unbelievable! now i just have to figure out a measurement for the amount of whiskey to put in. oh, don't worry; you can't put too much in or the cakes won't bake right. just think of them as something comparable to rum cake...only with whiskey. so, no getting drunk off of cake!
well, there's not much else i can babble about, so i guess i'll head out now...well, bye!

like lightning!

so my head's going to explode but, hey...there are worse ways to go. my life, sadly, is swinging precariously on a cliff and the ground is three feet down. it's scary. no, not really. actually, things are going fine, though i must admit, i'd like everything to be a bit more...lively. my life, such as it is, is really, really boring. but, hey! it's St. Patrick's Day! if only i didn't feel so bad...i really shouldn't have gone into that basement...too much dust down there...and now my sinuses are trying to kill me...what a shame.
on a lighter note, i've nothing to report, really. life has remained the same. no horrid surprises or whatnot...yep...so, that's my post for today...bye!

Absence makes the heart grow weak

so i watched 10,000 BC...it was pretty good, despite the huge historical inacuracy. i would actually go watch it again. it was wonderfully done and the story itself was quite interesting. it really was excellent, and i'm glad i went and watched it. well, as i've nothing else to report, i suppose i shall leave now. bye.

sing to the skies, my dear, and nothing shall harm you...

so today was a pretty good day. i spent first/third block watching Peter Pan (the newer version), and then in second/fourth, i spent the block helping to make pancakes...and watching Rebelde. And, while Rebelde isn't one of those shows i'd ever really watch, once you start, you can't really not watch it...it's like the doramas i watch...so, yeah...and then we all went home in the middle of the day...which has messed up my perception of time...all i really want to do now is listen to music and maybe go to sleep...but that's never going to happen. so i'll go search for something to watch...well, bye!

Not ready to admit the obvious

i tend to surround myself in dreams, cloaking my thoughts from myself, afraid of what lurks beneath...or something of that nature. no, really...i love my dreams...but sometimes they tend to rule my thoughts. they're such interesting dreams, after all. i want to remember them all. and, while they are vivid enough to last a few days, i forget a good portion. i don't like that. yes, there are some which make no sense whatsoever, but i still like them! still, i should be less consumed with dreams and more consumed with the reality which nevertheless continues to enshroud me in a pall of normalcy. or so it seems.
okay, but no one wants to hear that. in fact, no one wants to hear anything besides something about themselves...humans are narcissists at heart, i think. secretly, of course. because it's against society to be narcissistic...funny, huh? let us frown upon our own shadowy characters.
no one pays attention anymore (sorry, sudden shift in subject). i mean, no one catches it anymore, do they? the rippling glimmer of sunlight reflecting silver in a creek? or the snatches of gold which seem to peek through. no one pays attention to the water's whisper anymore. they no longer care. there's blood in the trees, you see...but no one believes. not that i'm a big environmentalist. not anymore, at least. oh, when i was eight, i was completely informed (or so i thought) on the state of the environment. i wanted to grow up and save the world. and now all i want to do is sit back and watch. i want to watch as everything fades, because there's beauty in that, too. a sad beauty, yes, but beauty all the same.
oh! gosh...i'm bored...and even more miserable because i feel listless...i really don't want to do anything. that, i think, is worse than anything...but, to go and find something to do (hopefully). adieu!

Sing me now asleep/then to your offices and let me rest

so today at the nursing home was pretty nice...i like it there. i sat with a nice woman today at dinner and met some other charming residents. once i get to know everyone and everything like that, i am sure to really enjoy working there. what else? well, there's nothing much more to say, really. only that i'm going to go eat some dinner...
hey! i have several new ideas for a story, but i'll let them stay in my head and ferment a bit...they need to be a bit stronger before i try to write them down. but i can tell you that i find them of great interest--not that this means everyone else will...and i still have not gotten to any of my other stories; possibly because i'm lazy...that could be a determining factor there.
well, i'm going to leave now...bye!

no time for fly-by dives

so one of my dogs was put down today. poor bruno...he's had cancer since last april and has just been going along the best he could...but he's been getting really bad lately, so...yeah...it makes me a little sad; i mean, bruno's been with my mom longer than i have...so she's quite upset. my step-dad, too...poor bruno. he was such a giant, bigg, fluffy, awesome, let-me-sit-in-your-lap dog. he was half australian shepherd and half rottie...and so loveable!
but! enough of the melancholy. i can't spend the rest of my life in mourning--for anyone. it's impractical. well, listen to me, prattling on about the impracticality of mourning. don't i sound horribly apathetic? but that's just me. i handle losses well--or at least people say i do. and it's not because i don't care, or that i don't feel the loss. i do...it's simply that i want to spend my time thinking about the ones who are left. because, after all, they're important, too. let the lost stay in prayers, i think, and in memories. if i mourned the loss of everyone in my family--dead or simply gone--then i'd do nothing but mourn. and who really wants to do that? as i said; it's impratical. besides, i remember them just as easily when i'm happy as when i'm sad.
wow...i said i'd get off that subject, didn't i? well, forgive me, please. i get around to thinking about things and just go around and around...well, onto lighter stuff (finally). daylight saving's time. horrible time of the year. everyone's irritable and just plain tired. we should do away with daylight saving's time and stop messing with our already skewed perceptions of the subject. really.
ah! i'm reading this cool economics book on china. it's pretty interesting, actually. i just bought it at the book nook on a whim but i actually find it quite informative.
bah, i shouldn't be rambling on so long; no one cares, after all, in the long run. do they? well, in any case, Auf Wiedersehen!

my life as a rainy day

there are some points in your life when you think, "this can't be happening, it's not real." but what if it was always like that? and i don't mean to ask, "what if your whole life was bad?" no. i mean, what if, sitting on the couch, watching tv, suddenly seemed the least real thing in the world? sometimes, i just stop whatever i'm doing and i just look around. and i get this feeling that nothing's real; it's all a dream. maybe because colors are so...soft outside of my dreams. when i sleep, colors have a deeper tone to them, like there's more depth to them; almost as if i'm not just seeing them. but it's a ridiculous thought, isn't it? that everything's a dream. still, everything's too...i don't know. don't listen to me; i'm just off in i-have-nothing-to-do-except-sit-and-think-of-random-things land...
ivy is growing in my house. yep. ivy. it came in through the window...we live in this old house and the wood is kinda cracked and aging, which lets ivy creep in all the time. there's even ivy growing out of one of the light sockets! that's supposed to be good luck. but, i can't really determine whether i've had good luck or not. i don't think i have...but, then, perhaps it works over the long run...and bad things that happen have happened because they needed to in order to get better...sort of like when you're sick, i suppose. well, anyway...my little ivy vines keep me company here, creeping in away from the outside...i don't know why it'd want to be in here, though...the outside world is so much more beautiful...well, at least here it is...we have those nice grassy yards with tall, stately trees growing at nice intervals, with their shadows just barely touching each other. it's nice. but i miss my old house, too...we had woods there. it was nice. it rendered a different sort of feeling than this one does...similar, but different. but they make me smile.
well, enough of that nonsense! i must go back to honey and clover, my newest drama-obsession...it has one of my favorite actors in it and i bet none of you have heard of him (well, almost none of you)...well, bye!

Of all the things to wish against...

my stupid mother is being a stupid mother. again. as usual, she's asking the "what are you going to do...?" question in order to avoid all responsibility. you know, she actually had the audacity today to use me as an excuse as to why she "couldn't" get a job. lovely. i just absolutely love it when i'm used as an escape clause. but, that's not the real issue here. and i shouldn't be ragging on my mom so much. i understand that she has her flaws and there aren't really that many things i can do to jog her out of her rut without permanently hurting her feelings. i'd rather do that when i didn't rely on her so much...it would make things easier. well, at least a little bit, anyway. I'd still feel horribly guilty for the rest of my life, i'm afraid...
okay, on to happier subjects. like pillows. a pillow sounds really nice. a giant, wonderful, fluffy one that smells like chocolate and detergent. and a blanket--no, make that a quilt. a big, wonderful down-filled one that never stops poofing unless you wedge it between two three-ton rocks for forty years. yes...and a nice cup of hot chocolate with those teeny marshmallows. and a book. an all-engrossing, fantastical, wondermus book that never ends. a small, white room with late-spring sunlight streaming through billowing, gauzy curtains...and the smell of flowers floating in through the open windows...
oh! you know what my favorite flowers are? lilies and daffodils. they're like total opposites. lillies are elagant, with bold lines and delicate colors. but daffodils are durable, bright, peppy flowers. yep, totally unalike but my favorite flowers anyway. i can't wait until my daffodils grow in. my step-dad had better not mow them down this time.
well, i'm going to go now. bye-bye!

In Loving Memory of the Untamed

i've nothing much to report, i'm afraid. other than i've made cupcakes. they were good, too. oh, hey...does anyone know the difference between dusk and twilight? the dictionary defines twilight as "The time of the day when the sun is just below the horizon, especially the period between sunset and dark" and dusk as "the state or period of partial darkness between day and night; the dark part of twilight." so, i suppose the only difference is that twilight encompases dusk. hmm...i've always thought of twilight as more a dark blue and dusk more gray...or, at least that moment when the colors from the sunset have faded but darkness hasn't quite come yet...so, i guess i'm thinking that dusk is before twilight...like right now--or in a minute or two--would be dusk and twilight would be just seconds before darkness envelopes the world...or something to that effect. but, i guess no one's really thought about that too much, hmm? you know, twilight can be applied to the morning, as well, when dusk cannot. it's simply that twilight is more commonly associated with sunset rather than sunrise. isn't that odd? but, i'm probably boring you...
ah! this year is a great year for books, i think. five books i've been waiting to read come out this year...and all within three months! the first comes in july, two more come in august, and then the last two are in september...i'm so happy and can't wait.
okay, well i've babbled enough. it's time to go...

in taking back the lies

eeeeek! okay, sorry about that, but i'm reading a totally wonderful Gundam Wing fanfic! oh, i'm so excited. i haven't found one this wonderfully written in ages! oh, it makes me smile! oh, and i got my latest fanfic chapter finished; i just have to send it for proofreading and then i can update! i'm so happy. yep, squeaking up a storm here...do you know how hard it is to find a decent fanfic nowadays? it's tough. really. you have to sift through all the junk until you find that one glimmering star, halfheartedly shining in all its faded glory. but, well, i have to go finish it...and highly praise the authors! sayonara!

after everything, appearances must be kept

so my mother is going bitchy. not crazy, mind you. just bitchy. more than usual, actually, so it's a bit hard not to slam her for everything she's not doing whenever she starts yelling at me for no apparent reason. still, i am, if nothing else, secretly nice, and don't want to hurt her frail little emotions. not directly, anyway. guilt's a horrid thing to live with, you know? and i have enough for the moment, thank you. well, besides that, there's not much else to say. there's not really been much of an update in my life, beyond the fact that time keeps moving without me. all right, well, i'm off to go write some more on my fanfic...before people lose interest in the story...buh-bye now.

"there's always a catch," said the cynic

pathways is almost finished!!!!! yay! but, then, there are changes to be made, especially if people who haven't done anything before now keep trying to change everything at the last minute. and they make them because they don't really understand what we've done. and why don't they know? because, even though they have time, they have decided not to do ANYTHING to help. well, besides help judge some of the artwork. yeah, real nice. grr...but, being the nice, wonderful people that we are, angela and i decided to accomodate these people and shifted half the pages in pathways so that these people could have their better-late-than-never way. jeez. i wouldn't mind so much if they'd actually TALKED to angela and i about their "suggestions," but they didn't. Instead, they went to mrs. durbin about it. and then there's the fact that they haven't actually WORKED on anything even remotely pertaining to pathways; unless you count their submissions. ugh. it makes me angry. Still, one of them was truly well-founded in their complaint. i understand completely. but the other two...they're just pissy because the only two people who have actually done anything can't anticipate their every whim and desire. so we're not psychic. yeah, take out a stick and beat us for it. stupid, freaking, mumble mumble...if it weren't for them, i'd be working on the index right now...
grrrrr...but! tomorrow is our writer's club picture and we get to have cupcakes for breakfast! woohoo!
well, have fun, everyone! as for me, well, i'm leaving. bye now!

i'll weep as apples fall from the sky

i might be getting a car. might. as in, probably won't happen but i'll cross my fingers anyway. it's an '03 Acura RSX (i think). so, i'll be hoping for that. it's white and, while normal people wouldn't see the paint mistakes, i have...they taped it off totally incorrectly and they didn't take off the fenders to paint those, either, so they messed up there. luckily, however, if i do get it, my stepdad will paint it for me...hopefully without any embellishes...because i know he's gonna insist on doing a flame job and it's going to take a lot to convince him not to...anyway, like i said; it's not set in stone, not at all. well, i've seen it and my stepdad and i looked at the tires (which are really good; the tread is fabulous), and the engine, too...still looks pretty damn good...the stereo, however, could be better but it works...i'm not too worried about it. i think, if i get it, i'll like it very much. it will work well for me...and it's small! isn't that great...yes, small is on the top of my list; i am a teeny person and do not want to be driving around in a big, hulking vehicle. not at all. hell, if it was bigger, i'd feel like a four-year-old in it. so small is good for a car. still, like i said, it's not definite, so i shouldn't get my hopes up.
now, that's all i really wanted to say, so i'm gonna go, kay? bye

Exceptional fortitude is just a kinder way of saying "obstinancy"

so i've nothing to do. but that doesn't prove any different than most other days...in fact, i'm simply stating the obvious at this point. uggh...i want to go braid my hair. i think i will in a few minutes. and i'll probably wear it up tomorrow. i'm to the point where i want to hack all my hair off but i'm not going to because who knows what it's going to look like as it grows out? so i'll leave it alone and just let it get longer...hah...years and years from now, i'll be one of those old women with long, gray hair always in a braid straight down their backs, walking around in long, poofy skirts and outrageously colored shirts. yep. that's my plan.
so i'll probably ramble on for a bit of a turn, simply because boredom snuck up on me and is now attempting to play chess...
it needs to warm up. after all, it feels like spring. funny, how can you explain that? spring always reminds me of my grandmother's house. not the one i lived with, the other one. i would stay in this little white room with a little bed covered in floral patterns. everything smelled like my grandmother but i never minded; she smells good. i don't know how to explain it. and it smelled like powder in there, too, because my grandmother had this old powder container on my dresser, filled with baby powder, and there was this wonderful feathery thing resting there, like it was a cradle. anyway, in the mornings, i would wake up to the sun filling up the little room and birds chirping just outside the window, like they were trying to tell me how wonderful it was going to be that day. i always felt so happy when i was over there, so bright. i don't know what to say about it. it makes me smile, the memory does. ah, but i was talking about spring, yes? it's there, in the air, waiting for me when i wake up and, despite the cold, spring lingers in the trees, the sky, as i step outside. and i can't help but smile. regardless of the temperatures, spring is coming and it makes me feel like...waiting. spring is anticipation, i think...and bright green. it's wonderful.
hmm...i just ordered more books from amzon...it was a bit troublesome at first but totally worth it...i bought a book for my AP book project thingie and a couple others (i just couldn't resist!) now i have to wait for a couple of days for them to get here...and then i can read them! yay!
well, i should go now. bye.

i want to make a dinosuar from an emu!

nothing's been happening. nothing at all, really. ah! but, we're getting to work on pathways! which is good; we've made all our selections and have begun to put the magazine together (building pages and whatnot). it's been hard getting everything sorted out; we had to have everyone vote on stuff; we had to sort that into folders, type them up, put them in new folders, re-sort them into categories depending on their original categories, and, once used, must put them all into separate folders labeled with their proper categories and the term "used." oh! and we need more essays. the only essays we have are from angela and myself...so, please! give us essays! it would be awesome...okay, well, i can't report much else to you besides the fact that we've picked a cover. and it's pretty good...i'm excited about it, as is everyone else...of course, it was our second pick; we wanted to do another one but, because we're not doing a full-color cover this year, we had to abandon that plan. but just know it was the best cover ever! still, like i said, the newer one rocks, too.
well, i know nobody cares. oh, but i'd like to thank ed for submitting all of his prose in...they were awesome and every single one was voted in. yay! okay...moving on...i haven't put any chapstick on in three hours; i'm getting antsy. oh! i've been looking up stuff on Twilight, mainly because i'm bored. It's a good series, to be sure. not exactly the best ever, but still wonderful. and it's getting a lot of people to read, which is good, you know? i think we finally have at least two of our twenty copies back on the library shelves. they've been checked out forever. well, enough of that. what else should i talk about? well, i can lament about the fact that none of my regular mangas have been updated in a while. i should probably go watch some more bleach but, oddly enough, i don't feel like it. i've missed like eight episodes...well, i'll go see about them...eventually...actually, i think i'll let them build up for a bit more before tackling them...that way i can get a bunch of them in one fell swoop.
ack! i have to rewrite some of my stories...there goes 140+ pages to rifle through and edit. see why i've not opened the document up since i finished it three years ago. wow. three years. that's insane. i can't believe that was three years ago. wow. i don't think i WANT to read what's in there; i might die of grammatical shock. there are a lot of things i need to fix...uggh...i had to completely toss out one of my earlier stories...simply because i don't think i could EVER make it work...oh, and i should finish that one story...i mean, it's on like page 170...i really SHOULD finish it...but, i don't feel like it...and then there's the witch story...i've trashed the eight chapters i had and am now starting from the beginning. not to mention there are a couple of fanfics i should be working on...i'm thinking of an epilogue for my ouran fic...but, yet again, i don't feel like it. ah! but there are maybe fifty or so stories i've written a first chapter for...and never got beyond that...and there's the eight-page history which doesn't belong to anything...it's just some random history written in the middle of a high fever...it's actually quite good, i think...and i can detect a hint of a story there...post-apocalyptic type, a bit further removed than most, though.
well, enough of that stuff...i'm just listing things in order to get everything sorted out in my head...sometimes things cross and i have to trash some stories because they've morphed into a more recent and interesting story. i recycle a lot of my themes and many different elements from older stories...jeez...i really should get to editing Shadowed Path. there are a couple of things which are just sort of sitting there at the back of my brain, screaming that they need to be fixed.
okay. i'll be going, now...ciao!

Apathy does NOT control my life...

angela was out today! it's been like six days since i saw her last! wow. that makes me sad. she fell prey to the plague. that's right; i'm calling it a plague. might as well be one; you come back from it feeling like the undead. well, i've been out, as everyone knows...maybe...and came back today. lucky me, i developed an extremely stuffy nose and sore throat this morning and now, joy of joys, my cold is miving into my chest--where it will probably settle in for a month or two. wonderful, isn't it? jeez, at least it isn't like when i had bronchitis. i had that AND a staph infection at the same time. talk about irritating. talk about absolutely death-worthy. not really. but i was out for nearly three weeks for that...yep, that was back in middle school when i missed an average of like thirty+ days a year...go me. but now, in high school, i'm never given the proper time to get better. which only keeps me sick and tired all the time. at least i had breaks in between sicknesses in middle school. now it's always there. but hey...it's all good. i'm only sick so often because my lungs and sinuses are wonky and retarded and love to throw sinus and random-illness parties.
but! enough of that. i think i might just go and play final fantasy or something. possibly a more violent game. after all, rpg battles are just not violent enough. although FFXII isn't turnbase like the others, which is pretty cool. and i don't have to rely on magic nearly as much in this game; i only use cure and stuff like that. i mean, seriously...using magic sucks. my philosophy has always been something pertaining to the following: if you can kill it with an extremely wicked-awesome sword, why the hell use magic?
but, really...i should go disinfect my room or something...and my hoodie. no, better make that ALL my hoodies.
so, sayonara! i must be off!

I've never felt this random before

okay, so the world is a wonderful, awesome place filled with awesome individuals who do awesome things. but, i must admit, people are violent, deranged, and evil. that's right. and they scare me. ugh. i can't even think about more than like twenty people without wanting to build a bomb shelter and spend the rest of my life underground. which sucks, because i really like looking out the window at the world. i mean, nature is beautiful. and, while nature has so much movement, so much life, i'm not threatened. not nearly as much as i am by people. it's a problem, i admit, but it's all good. if i just stay in my own little world, nothing can hurt me...excpet for POLITICS getting so damned IDIOTIC! all right, the american system might have worked wonderfully when there were only a handful of states, but now it's just ridiculous. i mean, does anyone ever get anything done? there are too many politicians, each with their own individual agendas and to hell with the rest of the citizens. but let's not get into a political rant, shall we? that would be unproductive (not that i get much done anyway).
so i wanna work with old people. yep...i wanna work at the nursing home. why? well, so i can continue my assimilation of the old person persona. that's right. i'm an old person at heart. all i want to do is snuggle up on top of a heated matress, under a heated blanket, bake all day, read all day, and weave. oh, and stare out the window mumbling stories to myself. and if i have to walk anywhere, by god, i'm going to shuffle around. thank god i haven't gone so far as to wear socks on my feet, or all i'd need is to be hunched over and i'd be mistaken for an actual old person.
well, if you haven't noticed, i've gone a bit crazy here all by myself. yes. it's sad but, let's face it, this was going to happen eventually. luckily, i'll be back to my normal-yet-not-normal self tomorrow when i get back to school. and actually have something to do. yes. speaking of, i think i'll go and write up the terms i'm sure i missed in economics. and, luckily, i won't have to make those cupcakes i dreamt i had to make for economics last night.
oh! but tomorrow i'm baking those chocolate chip muffins for the VD party. i can't wait. i love chocolate chip muffins. but, sorry...i won't be making any healthy muffins for the party b/c i've already made them...and ate them all...hey, i was sick and i wanted muffins.
okay, so i doubt anyone read this, but, hey, it's cool. anyway, i'll say goodbye nonetheless. after all, i have to sign off somehow...i can't just stop in the middle of a sentence...it would be...

Ack! the shame of such a one...

it's official...i have caught whatever's been going around the school. and it's a relief. i mean, i knew i was going to catch it at some point, but I didn't know when. so i was just waiting. and wondering. for a time there, it felt like a piano suspended above my head. luckily, i started getting sick on thursday night instead of monday night. because if it had've been monday, i would have been out for the whole week instead of just today. let me tell you, i'm sick most of the time (i always seem to pick up every cold that goes around in between sinus infections), but it doesn't normally drain me so much as this. normally, when i get really sick, i start crying randomly. but this time, i'm crying irrationally. like last night, i was sleeping and then one of my dogs woke me up. and then i was too hot to go back to sleep (imagine that!) so i shoved all my blankets off of my bed and started crying. because i couldn't get comfortable. and the tv was too loud. and my mom wouldn't go to bed and leave the house silent. and my puppy wasn't in my room. yep. cried for an hour. and today, i didn't want to go to the book nook (gasp!). yeah, i know. my mom even offered to pay for a book. yeah, i said "no." and i sat home all day and watched superman. i did. three superman films in a row. and i'm about to watch another. i hate superman. i scare myself when i get this sick and cranky. and i scare my mom, too. because i don't ever really cry unless i'm majorly sick. so she's checking on me like every five minutes...
well, i should go; my fever's coming back and i want brownies. which i'll have to make. oh! i'm baking muffins for the VD party on thursday. i hope everyone likes chocolate chip. but if you don't, i'll probably supply like a couple of banana muffins, too...if i remember. they're actually quite good. well, bye.

because shrieking bats live in my house...

i just went and voted. yep. i am officially a voter. who did i vote for? ah, i'll leave that up to you. okay. so did you know that you can vote for people who have dropped out of the race? yeah, they had john edwards and john kerry on the balot. nice. they also had a couple of random people whose names i didn't ever remember hearing...oh! i voted for SPLOST. yep. we're getting a bigger library! well, blairsville is. i think i'd go there to see the new booka. but i doubt that i'd actually get any. yes, that's right. our libarary sucks.
well, anyway...i'm gonna go. bye now!

Lacrimosa

so i officially quit chorus...again. it makes me really sad. i love to sing, really i do. it's really amazing when notes rise out of you and tumble out into the world. i love that feeling, you know? but it's not like i have much opportunity to sing. i can't even sing at home. and not because i don't want to. no, my mom tells me often how much my voice creeps her out. it makes the hair on the back of her neck rise and "not in a good way." thanks mom. at least i can carry a tune. but, you know, she says my voice is really pretty, she just hates it. that's about the worst thing someone--especially your mother--could say to you, i think. but, i have, at least, gotten one compliment on my singing from a family member. yeah, it was about three or four years ago from my older brother. we were sitting in the car and i was just randomly singing and then he just complimented me. it was weird and i was incredibly happy. and now he insults me everytime he hears me. but, hey, at least he did actually give me a compliment. there was this other time that someone told me i would do very wel at opera, but i'm not sure i like that compliment as much. still, i'm very sad about my decision, but it had to be done. but we were going to sing some of my favorite songs!!!!!! but it's okay, really. i can always catch some time to sing when no one's home. and then quietly in a corner at school if everyone is loud enough. see, i hate singing in front of people. i mean, i do but i don't. i want to sing so much it makes me cry. but, hey. no worries, right? after all, i still have my writing, which is all good, really. and chocolate. chocolate always lifts anyone's spirits.

oh, on a brighter note, this semester isn't so bad, although i really liked last semester better. ah! i also now have a whole class devoted simply to the library--you know, instead of having a class where i did like eight days' work the whole semester and ran down to the library for the rest of the class. ah, the wonderfulness of newspaper. only that class has gone majorly downhill since my freshman year. i was supposed to be in it this semester, too, but luckily they had to drop the entire class so mrs. payne could teach more trig. i used to love newspaper, but i just wanted to escape that class after a while. really. there were only a couple of people in that class that actually cared. the rest just lazed around or wandered about the school and made sure our deadlines were blown to pieces. but i shouldn't be so harsh. i don't know exactly why they took the class. ack! this semester, i have a good amount of work to do, like always, but it seems as if i'm not doing anything at all. i like AP, of course, but not as much as i liked the other class (maybe it's the poetry). economics is better than i expected and i like it, but there's no real...i don't know how to describe it...it feels like there's a lot of empty space in there...or something, you know? and then there's third block. the library! i love it. i don't do as much in there, really, as in other classes, but angela and i are working hard on pathways. so much so that i'm afraid no one else is going to get the opportunity. But! we have some really great prose this year. yep, ed and erika, ellie and...well, angela and i...god. every year, i am completely surprised by the amount of my stuff that makes it into the 'yes' pile. is my stuff really that good, or is it just that i turn more stuff in than anyone else? well, whatever. i'm just worried that, because i'm an editor, people think i just put my stuff in pathways, regardless of what people say. and that's absolutely not true. if it were up to me, nothing of mine would get put in pathways. but, unfortunately, due (in large part) to peer pressure, i put my stuff in. oh! we voted on a cover, and the choice makes me incredibly happy. i won't reveal anything else; if you want to find out all the awesome stuff we have for pathways this year, you'll just have to buy it (yep, that's right, i'm trying to up our sales through use of my blog).

well, i've kept you all long enough (as if anyone's actually going to read this, seeing as how my blog has weirded out). so, sadly, i must say goodbye and end this blog on a happy note. bye!

tales from the forest of gnomes

okay, it's a song title, i admit it...but i like it! anyway...i'm not at school today. my lungs aren't doing too well. it's not too surprising, as i've been having a bit of trouble all week, but today they're just bad, so i stayed home. and snuggled under my electric blanket to sleep more. ah! but don't worry; my lungs only stay this bad for a day or so. luckily, it's friday so if they stay like this, i won't miss more shcool days. i guess this is my lungs' retribution over the fact that i can stop my asthma attacks. weird, but true. all i have to do is stay calm and take small, measured breaths. it normally works, mainly because they're not like major or anything. so yeah. my lungs like to freak out when the temperature changes a lot. and this week the temperatures have been a bit odd. but for that, i just stay home and laze around all day. it's pretty nice. and my mom always tends to take me out around 2:00 to get some sweets or a new book. so yeah. that's why i'm not in school today. well, let me get back to breathing in vicks vaporub...believe me it helps a lot...bye!

if i wasn't a freak...i think i'd be dull

well, i don't think i'm EVER donating blood again...i am, apparently, too affected by the blood loss. i get loopy...and giggly. and random things seem funny or fun when they really aren't. and then, i get all weirdie and moody. like, i got home and was giggling like mad, and then i got hungry for some cake or something of the sort. and when my mom told me we didn't have sweets of any kind, i burst into tears and made my brother go to the convienience store across the street to get me some food. and when he came back without any food, i started crying again, only to stop when i stood up to get my robe (as i was freezing, tho the house is exceptionally warm today). yeah...i burst out laughing and didn't stop for a good half hour. adn then i slowly got better and looked back on the previous four hours with growing horror. yeah...like i said, i don't think i'm going to donate any more blood. it might not be a good idea...but at least i can move my arm, which is a good sign. i really thought that dropping my bookbag on my arm was going to make it hurt longer, but i guess not.
well, i should go. i have to yell at Tsukushi for a couple of minutes. yeah, that character's being an idiot. bye!

apples in may

okay, so i went to young harris today and did the whole tour thing. it's pretty cool there, so i think i'll like it...we got to sit in one of the professors' classrooms and he gave us a little mini-lesson. it was social politics...or something of the sort...it was actually a pretty good session; the subject was rather interesting. i think i will really like it there. so. yeah...though sometimes i think people'll look down on me a bit for going to Young Harris. but, really, it's a good school. and i know enough about myself to realize that if i ever went to a bigger school, i'd have trouble. i just couldn't handle that many people all around, you know? besides. at least at young harris, i can sit and stare at the clouds and stars and watch the sun rise over the mountains and such without too much trouble. you know, 'cuz i'm a bit loony like that...and that's something i like. besides, it's a good college, really. and the classes sound like they'd be a bit harder with smaller classes. i mean, mainly because the professors will know the students and will probably teach with more...idk, passion, maybe? in any case, it'll probably be like an AP class, so i'm game.
well, angela and liz were there, too. so that was fun, even tho we weren't in the same tour groups...liz and i kept passing each other, tho. well, in any case, i was walking up some stairs, you know, with the tour guy dude and whatever, and i felt like the whole thing was just a continuation of now. but, then, everything's a continuation of now, isn't it? oh look! ivy's grown in through the window! sorry, random. so i feel happy. well, not completely, wonderfully, bubbly happy. yeah, because that would probably be indicative of a stupid decision coming my way...or at least a hastily made one...
ack! the days are too long, too long! and the weeks seem so short! all right, well, i suppose this is the end of my post. oh, and i hear we're supposed to get some snow and freezing rain tonight. hopefully, we won't miss anymore school.
all right. so i'm off to watch the rest of Hana Kimi. or, rather, Hanazakari no Kimitachi e, as it's the japanese version...bye!

If feathers from the wings of an angel fell would i think them naught but snow?

i see the world from my window. and imagine how it would be if i was more of one thing and less like another. would i dare to step out in the snow, arms lifted to catch the whisper-soft flakes? would i smile and let my head tilt back so that i could glimpse eternity in the falling white? would a laugh escape my lips as the cold touched my cheeks? or would i lose the imagined delight to the sensibilities which lay beyond my window? sometimes i wish i could stay in my room forever, never disturbed, so that i could gaze out my window forever. and what would i glimpse, from that small portal there? i could witness the passage of time and keep the illusion that i am still unchanged. the land would change, people would come, towers would be built. and yet i would stay there, unmoving, unblinking, until at last i find myself without form, a figure silent and sad, still gazing from the window. But that's too sad, isn't it? i didn't, however, mean it to be sad. i was simply thoughtful. after all, thinking remains my only means of escape from the walls i willingly built. but enough of that. though i cannot seem to stop myself, i shall try. no one deserves too many glimpses of so strange a mind. should the strings that hold me ever fail, will i fall into the depths until the end? maybe. but, then, i've always been able to keep myself afloat. ah, it's truly a pity i can't sink beneath the surface. i think being crazy would offer a freedom few of us ever have the opportunity to experience. and that thought alone will keep me sane. i haven't figured out yet whether this is a good or bad thing. maybe the entire world needs a bit of insanity now and then...to pull them--at least for a moment--from the nonsensical. after all, the world never makes sense when you're sane.
oh, but have you ever stood and looked up as the snow fell? it's like you're falling too. the world seems to spin, ever so slightly, beneath you...though you barely feel it because the ground no longer matters. you're there, with the snow, drifting witht he wind. sometimes it's fast, or slow, like a dream. and the world narrows. in the daytime, everything's white and grey, gentle, drifting...but at night...! at night it's as if you're encased in this own little separate realm and things are so focused. nothing matters but those snow flakes fluttering down. nothing. it's a...narrowing of everything...but an expansion, too. it's not something which can be entirely explained, you know? that's why when it snows, i dream of angels' wings. and i dream of things i could never hope to express. i want to keep those moments close...more so than most any other. because...well...have you ever felt everything? i mean, have you ever thought of something far away, of strangers moving around their own little world, doing things entirely separate from you? have you felt, for just a split second, that there was no space? that you could reach out your hand and touch the petal of a flower thousands of miles away and yet at the same time feel the cool, feathery touch of a snowflake? it's like that. only, your encounters are never limited. you know? but, yet again, i babble. needless to say, i love the snow. that should suffice for now...
well, bye!

would the world still be beautiful at its end or more so because of its fragility?

So I can't tell you why my heart warms when it rains. But I can tell you it matters. It might not later, but it does now. You know...I never mean to spout out such nonsense. Well...perhaps others should find it nonsense. I, however, often find amusement in my odd ramblings and questions. Sometimes I look back on them and wonder just where they came from...which often sends me careening off into another hastily-documented musing. Should I consider these thoughts as an escape? After all, they could be observed as such. However, they might simply be honest reactions to the world around me. Then again, I could be crazy and someone will eventually use them as evidence to my lack of stability and sanity. Still, who would care enough to do so?
Things in life are quite fleeting. If you think on it, we humans are little more than tiny sparks in an endless darkness. Time, oddly enough, is the only thing truly timeless. But let's not go off on some tangent regarding time and all its mysteries (as I've done so before...). After all, time is not my main point (though it does play some part...and can I truly admit to having an actual point?). I suppose my point would be true beauty...and the nature of such a subject. Beauty, I feel, can be observed in that which is most fleeting, in that which has no true copy.
Think of a waterfall. It can be quite beautiful, ne? It glistens in the sun, tumbling white and silver, cascading down to disappear into a cloud of thunderous mist. Not water, really, but rather a collection of crystalline droplets, vying for freedom, only to disappear at the end. And the water falling down into such a sight? Ech inch of water is never the same as before. Constantly moving, constantly nothing but an evanescent tumble of shimmering water.
Or perhaps you'd rather bring a flower to mind. Perhaps a cherry blossom with shades of pink and white. So delicate, it begins as a bud, its petals slowly unfurling. But each day it changes--holding a different beauty for each stage of its life--until finally it gives up its tenuous hold on the branch that bore it and floats gently to earth, joining a shower of its kin. And is ever that cherry blosson so beautiful as when it rains down, reaching to embrace the ground which bore its parent? In that final dance, the blossom drifts down, a petal pulling away, and then another, and then another, until the flower lies on a dusting of its fallen companions, less than it was before and yet carrying so much more meaning. There is glory in the fall, glory in such gentle release. But can words capture it? Can words do anything but invoke a pale and fruitless copy of such a scene?
But I have digressed. I meant to write of beauty. But I cannot accept that I have. For there never can be any real beauty, can there? What I see may never compare to the sight of others. For my soul is not that of another.
I have questions. Many and for always. But who does not? Sometimes I can believe we were placed on earth merely to wonder at its mysteries. What is beauty? What is love? Will I ever fall in love? This is not guaranteed. After all, love, in my opinion (which doesn't count, seeing as i am quite young in the scheme of things), is a blending of souls--a kinship, perhaps. And my sould, I am afraid, is quite already enamored of the intangible.
So, when it comes to beauty, or love, or perhaps even the world's more enigmatic subjects, you must decide for yourself. I am only my own judge, after all, and can find only answers for myself. Do not look to others for your understanding; your heart alone knows what you struggle with.

the stars are out when the sun still shines

can people be so engrossed in the "bigger things" that they no longer see those small details? would very many people sit softly on the grass, a wilting petal in their palm, wondering over the tiny, hair-fine lines running like stream beds over its silky surface? but that's too random and dreamy, isn't it? i think, for most people, there's always a time when they find themselves too busy to do something simple like that...or even think about doing that. is it a good thing, i wonder, that we clutter up our lives with an excess of trappings, that we continuously move about, never letting our minds truly rest? what do your dreams consist of, i wonder? what images does your mind play in the dark silence of night? does your imagination soar over impossibly beautiful and colorful dreams? or are you lost in a world filled with the day-to-day jumble of moments?
can you describe, with a word, something you saw, some pretty thing you observed? for me, it's hard. for all my use of words, for all my time spent writing down scores of stories and poems, when i see something, i can't describe it. feelings, i think, can't be limited to a few words, they're all-encompasing, filling the heart and spreading from there, until the slowly fade, like ripples on a pond. but can you describe them? can you flip through a dictionary and pinpoint the world which describes how you felt, what you saw? i don't know if i'm capable. sometimes, i wish i was a painter. or that i could write music.two things without words that limit. odd that i feel this way and the thing i do with the most proficiency involves nothing but words. if you had the choice, right now, to be either a writer, a painter, or a composer, which would you choose?
ah, but i musn't look down on writing. with simple rhythms, and words, you can invoke anything. you can spread chills or warmth, elicit laughter or tears. well, i should stop questioning things, shouldn't i? it could get a bit gnarled down the road if i continue. still, if only we could diresctly demonstrate to people our own feelings, instead of using mediums...this world, i think, might be quite a bit different.
okay, i've written enough odd and unusual things...i shall say goodbye now...sayonara!

am i supposed to feel older now?

my birthday is tomorrow...or, rather, today...yep, i turn eighteen today. isn't it exciting? not really. my parents have been saying this whole week, "how does it feel to be almost eighteen?" in these really conspiratorial voices...and then they get all disappointed or alienated when i say, "it's a birthday, no big deal...i feel the same as yesterday..." it's a fact that i probably won't feel eighteen for another couple of months...but, you know, parents expect an answer...no noncommittal shrugs for them...they simply won't have it...
well, anyway, i'm here at angela's house, having a nice, eventful, GH/anime-filled sleepover...only it's like five in the morning and no sleeping has actually taken place...it's mostly been action all night. later today i shall go back home to my family and celebrate this "monumental" birthday, amidst idiotic comments and "advice" which sounds more like the firm belief of failure in life. you know, they think they're helping but, really, they're only making me wish i didn't have to leave my room and talk to them. i know they're trying to help and be useful, but i have commonsense! actually, it seems i got all of my brothers' commonsense, too, so i have my fair share...they don't need the whole, "even though you're not incredibly smart like your brothers (who, in fact, are not smarter than i am, if only because they are smart in only one area), and even if you don't have much of a chance, you really shouldn't get too depressed...you'll end up happy someday...maybe you'll settle down and have a nice bunch of kids..." yeah. because all that applies to me. i don't get depressed. it's not practical. why get depressed? after all, my life isn't nearly as bad as it could possibly be, what with all the possibilities in the world. and i don't care about whether or not i end up "happy" because that's not the point. and to settle down...sounds like a horribloe damper in my alone-with-books time...
needless to say, being eighteen isn't that great, if only because i don't care too much...should i care? should i be like every other student and immediately mark my eighteen-ness with some tattoo or random piercing? let's go wild and impulsive merely because we've hit some sort of wonderful number in our lives...IT'S A NUMBER!!!!! WHO CARES?????? okay, just wanted to get that out...your age doesn't really matter beyond the boundaries of the law...i mean, really...as long as you feel yourself, it's okay, right? numbers don't define you, do they? not unless your confidence is wavering...oh...and what's up with 40? yeah, it's one of those scary, up-there numbers but think: people live to like 100 now...forty isn't even halfway...don't complain about being old until you can't get yourself out of bed...
ah, sorry...didn't mean to go on a tangeant...i just think 40 is a pretty number and it's horrible the way people malign it...well, happy birthday to me...and everyone else who shares my birthday...