i'll weep as apples fall from the sky

i might be getting a car. might. as in, probably won't happen but i'll cross my fingers anyway. it's an '03 Acura RSX (i think). so, i'll be hoping for that. it's white and, while normal people wouldn't see the paint mistakes, i have...they taped it off totally incorrectly and they didn't take off the fenders to paint those, either, so they messed up there. luckily, however, if i do get it, my stepdad will paint it for me...hopefully without any embellishes...because i know he's gonna insist on doing a flame job and it's going to take a lot to convince him not to...anyway, like i said; it's not set in stone, not at all. well, i've seen it and my stepdad and i looked at the tires (which are really good; the tread is fabulous), and the engine, too...still looks pretty damn good...the stereo, however, could be better but it works...i'm not too worried about it. i think, if i get it, i'll like it very much. it will work well for me...and it's small! isn't that great...yes, small is on the top of my list; i am a teeny person and do not want to be driving around in a big, hulking vehicle. not at all. hell, if it was bigger, i'd feel like a four-year-old in it. so small is good for a car. still, like i said, it's not definite, so i shouldn't get my hopes up.
now, that's all i really wanted to say, so i'm gonna go, kay? bye

Exceptional fortitude is just a kinder way of saying "obstinancy"

so i've nothing to do. but that doesn't prove any different than most other days...in fact, i'm simply stating the obvious at this point. uggh...i want to go braid my hair. i think i will in a few minutes. and i'll probably wear it up tomorrow. i'm to the point where i want to hack all my hair off but i'm not going to because who knows what it's going to look like as it grows out? so i'll leave it alone and just let it get longer...hah...years and years from now, i'll be one of those old women with long, gray hair always in a braid straight down their backs, walking around in long, poofy skirts and outrageously colored shirts. yep. that's my plan.
so i'll probably ramble on for a bit of a turn, simply because boredom snuck up on me and is now attempting to play chess...
it needs to warm up. after all, it feels like spring. funny, how can you explain that? spring always reminds me of my grandmother's house. not the one i lived with, the other one. i would stay in this little white room with a little bed covered in floral patterns. everything smelled like my grandmother but i never minded; she smells good. i don't know how to explain it. and it smelled like powder in there, too, because my grandmother had this old powder container on my dresser, filled with baby powder, and there was this wonderful feathery thing resting there, like it was a cradle. anyway, in the mornings, i would wake up to the sun filling up the little room and birds chirping just outside the window, like they were trying to tell me how wonderful it was going to be that day. i always felt so happy when i was over there, so bright. i don't know what to say about it. it makes me smile, the memory does. ah, but i was talking about spring, yes? it's there, in the air, waiting for me when i wake up and, despite the cold, spring lingers in the trees, the sky, as i step outside. and i can't help but smile. regardless of the temperatures, spring is coming and it makes me feel like...waiting. spring is anticipation, i think...and bright green. it's wonderful.
hmm...i just ordered more books from amzon...it was a bit troublesome at first but totally worth it...i bought a book for my AP book project thingie and a couple others (i just couldn't resist!) now i have to wait for a couple of days for them to get here...and then i can read them! yay!
well, i should go now. bye.

i want to make a dinosuar from an emu!

nothing's been happening. nothing at all, really. ah! but, we're getting to work on pathways! which is good; we've made all our selections and have begun to put the magazine together (building pages and whatnot). it's been hard getting everything sorted out; we had to have everyone vote on stuff; we had to sort that into folders, type them up, put them in new folders, re-sort them into categories depending on their original categories, and, once used, must put them all into separate folders labeled with their proper categories and the term "used." oh! and we need more essays. the only essays we have are from angela and myself...so, please! give us essays! it would be awesome...okay, well, i can't report much else to you besides the fact that we've picked a cover. and it's pretty good...i'm excited about it, as is everyone else...of course, it was our second pick; we wanted to do another one but, because we're not doing a full-color cover this year, we had to abandon that plan. but just know it was the best cover ever! still, like i said, the newer one rocks, too.
well, i know nobody cares. oh, but i'd like to thank ed for submitting all of his prose in...they were awesome and every single one was voted in. yay! okay...moving on...i haven't put any chapstick on in three hours; i'm getting antsy. oh! i've been looking up stuff on Twilight, mainly because i'm bored. It's a good series, to be sure. not exactly the best ever, but still wonderful. and it's getting a lot of people to read, which is good, you know? i think we finally have at least two of our twenty copies back on the library shelves. they've been checked out forever. well, enough of that. what else should i talk about? well, i can lament about the fact that none of my regular mangas have been updated in a while. i should probably go watch some more bleach but, oddly enough, i don't feel like it. i've missed like eight episodes...well, i'll go see about them...eventually...actually, i think i'll let them build up for a bit more before tackling them...that way i can get a bunch of them in one fell swoop.
ack! i have to rewrite some of my stories...there goes 140+ pages to rifle through and edit. see why i've not opened the document up since i finished it three years ago. wow. three years. that's insane. i can't believe that was three years ago. wow. i don't think i WANT to read what's in there; i might die of grammatical shock. there are a lot of things i need to fix...uggh...i had to completely toss out one of my earlier stories...simply because i don't think i could EVER make it work...oh, and i should finish that one story...i mean, it's on like page 170...i really SHOULD finish it...but, i don't feel like it...and then there's the witch story...i've trashed the eight chapters i had and am now starting from the beginning. not to mention there are a couple of fanfics i should be working on...i'm thinking of an epilogue for my ouran fic...but, yet again, i don't feel like it. ah! but there are maybe fifty or so stories i've written a first chapter for...and never got beyond that...and there's the eight-page history which doesn't belong to anything...it's just some random history written in the middle of a high fever...it's actually quite good, i think...and i can detect a hint of a story there...post-apocalyptic type, a bit further removed than most, though.
well, enough of that stuff...i'm just listing things in order to get everything sorted out in my head...sometimes things cross and i have to trash some stories because they've morphed into a more recent and interesting story. i recycle a lot of my themes and many different elements from older stories...jeez...i really should get to editing Shadowed Path. there are a couple of things which are just sort of sitting there at the back of my brain, screaming that they need to be fixed.
okay. i'll be going, now...ciao!

Apathy does NOT control my life...

angela was out today! it's been like six days since i saw her last! wow. that makes me sad. she fell prey to the plague. that's right; i'm calling it a plague. might as well be one; you come back from it feeling like the undead. well, i've been out, as everyone knows...maybe...and came back today. lucky me, i developed an extremely stuffy nose and sore throat this morning and now, joy of joys, my cold is miving into my chest--where it will probably settle in for a month or two. wonderful, isn't it? jeez, at least it isn't like when i had bronchitis. i had that AND a staph infection at the same time. talk about irritating. talk about absolutely death-worthy. not really. but i was out for nearly three weeks for that...yep, that was back in middle school when i missed an average of like thirty+ days a year...go me. but now, in high school, i'm never given the proper time to get better. which only keeps me sick and tired all the time. at least i had breaks in between sicknesses in middle school. now it's always there. but hey...it's all good. i'm only sick so often because my lungs and sinuses are wonky and retarded and love to throw sinus and random-illness parties.
but! enough of that. i think i might just go and play final fantasy or something. possibly a more violent game. after all, rpg battles are just not violent enough. although FFXII isn't turnbase like the others, which is pretty cool. and i don't have to rely on magic nearly as much in this game; i only use cure and stuff like that. i mean, seriously...using magic sucks. my philosophy has always been something pertaining to the following: if you can kill it with an extremely wicked-awesome sword, why the hell use magic?
but, really...i should go disinfect my room or something...and my hoodie. no, better make that ALL my hoodies.
so, sayonara! i must be off!

I've never felt this random before

okay, so the world is a wonderful, awesome place filled with awesome individuals who do awesome things. but, i must admit, people are violent, deranged, and evil. that's right. and they scare me. ugh. i can't even think about more than like twenty people without wanting to build a bomb shelter and spend the rest of my life underground. which sucks, because i really like looking out the window at the world. i mean, nature is beautiful. and, while nature has so much movement, so much life, i'm not threatened. not nearly as much as i am by people. it's a problem, i admit, but it's all good. if i just stay in my own little world, nothing can hurt me...excpet for POLITICS getting so damned IDIOTIC! all right, the american system might have worked wonderfully when there were only a handful of states, but now it's just ridiculous. i mean, does anyone ever get anything done? there are too many politicians, each with their own individual agendas and to hell with the rest of the citizens. but let's not get into a political rant, shall we? that would be unproductive (not that i get much done anyway).
so i wanna work with old people. yep...i wanna work at the nursing home. why? well, so i can continue my assimilation of the old person persona. that's right. i'm an old person at heart. all i want to do is snuggle up on top of a heated matress, under a heated blanket, bake all day, read all day, and weave. oh, and stare out the window mumbling stories to myself. and if i have to walk anywhere, by god, i'm going to shuffle around. thank god i haven't gone so far as to wear socks on my feet, or all i'd need is to be hunched over and i'd be mistaken for an actual old person.
well, if you haven't noticed, i've gone a bit crazy here all by myself. yes. it's sad but, let's face it, this was going to happen eventually. luckily, i'll be back to my normal-yet-not-normal self tomorrow when i get back to school. and actually have something to do. yes. speaking of, i think i'll go and write up the terms i'm sure i missed in economics. and, luckily, i won't have to make those cupcakes i dreamt i had to make for economics last night.
oh! but tomorrow i'm baking those chocolate chip muffins for the VD party. i can't wait. i love chocolate chip muffins. but, sorry...i won't be making any healthy muffins for the party b/c i've already made them...and ate them all...hey, i was sick and i wanted muffins.
okay, so i doubt anyone read this, but, hey, it's cool. anyway, i'll say goodbye nonetheless. after all, i have to sign off somehow...i can't just stop in the middle of a sentence...it would be...

Ack! the shame of such a one...

it's official...i have caught whatever's been going around the school. and it's a relief. i mean, i knew i was going to catch it at some point, but I didn't know when. so i was just waiting. and wondering. for a time there, it felt like a piano suspended above my head. luckily, i started getting sick on thursday night instead of monday night. because if it had've been monday, i would have been out for the whole week instead of just today. let me tell you, i'm sick most of the time (i always seem to pick up every cold that goes around in between sinus infections), but it doesn't normally drain me so much as this. normally, when i get really sick, i start crying randomly. but this time, i'm crying irrationally. like last night, i was sleeping and then one of my dogs woke me up. and then i was too hot to go back to sleep (imagine that!) so i shoved all my blankets off of my bed and started crying. because i couldn't get comfortable. and the tv was too loud. and my mom wouldn't go to bed and leave the house silent. and my puppy wasn't in my room. yep. cried for an hour. and today, i didn't want to go to the book nook (gasp!). yeah, i know. my mom even offered to pay for a book. yeah, i said "no." and i sat home all day and watched superman. i did. three superman films in a row. and i'm about to watch another. i hate superman. i scare myself when i get this sick and cranky. and i scare my mom, too. because i don't ever really cry unless i'm majorly sick. so she's checking on me like every five minutes...
well, i should go; my fever's coming back and i want brownies. which i'll have to make. oh! i'm baking muffins for the VD party on thursday. i hope everyone likes chocolate chip. but if you don't, i'll probably supply like a couple of banana muffins, too...if i remember. they're actually quite good. well, bye.

because shrieking bats live in my house...

i just went and voted. yep. i am officially a voter. who did i vote for? ah, i'll leave that up to you. okay. so did you know that you can vote for people who have dropped out of the race? yeah, they had john edwards and john kerry on the balot. nice. they also had a couple of random people whose names i didn't ever remember hearing...oh! i voted for SPLOST. yep. we're getting a bigger library! well, blairsville is. i think i'd go there to see the new booka. but i doubt that i'd actually get any. yes, that's right. our libarary sucks.
well, anyway...i'm gonna go. bye now!

Lacrimosa

so i officially quit chorus...again. it makes me really sad. i love to sing, really i do. it's really amazing when notes rise out of you and tumble out into the world. i love that feeling, you know? but it's not like i have much opportunity to sing. i can't even sing at home. and not because i don't want to. no, my mom tells me often how much my voice creeps her out. it makes the hair on the back of her neck rise and "not in a good way." thanks mom. at least i can carry a tune. but, you know, she says my voice is really pretty, she just hates it. that's about the worst thing someone--especially your mother--could say to you, i think. but, i have, at least, gotten one compliment on my singing from a family member. yeah, it was about three or four years ago from my older brother. we were sitting in the car and i was just randomly singing and then he just complimented me. it was weird and i was incredibly happy. and now he insults me everytime he hears me. but, hey, at least he did actually give me a compliment. there was this other time that someone told me i would do very wel at opera, but i'm not sure i like that compliment as much. still, i'm very sad about my decision, but it had to be done. but we were going to sing some of my favorite songs!!!!!! but it's okay, really. i can always catch some time to sing when no one's home. and then quietly in a corner at school if everyone is loud enough. see, i hate singing in front of people. i mean, i do but i don't. i want to sing so much it makes me cry. but, hey. no worries, right? after all, i still have my writing, which is all good, really. and chocolate. chocolate always lifts anyone's spirits.

oh, on a brighter note, this semester isn't so bad, although i really liked last semester better. ah! i also now have a whole class devoted simply to the library--you know, instead of having a class where i did like eight days' work the whole semester and ran down to the library for the rest of the class. ah, the wonderfulness of newspaper. only that class has gone majorly downhill since my freshman year. i was supposed to be in it this semester, too, but luckily they had to drop the entire class so mrs. payne could teach more trig. i used to love newspaper, but i just wanted to escape that class after a while. really. there were only a couple of people in that class that actually cared. the rest just lazed around or wandered about the school and made sure our deadlines were blown to pieces. but i shouldn't be so harsh. i don't know exactly why they took the class. ack! this semester, i have a good amount of work to do, like always, but it seems as if i'm not doing anything at all. i like AP, of course, but not as much as i liked the other class (maybe it's the poetry). economics is better than i expected and i like it, but there's no real...i don't know how to describe it...it feels like there's a lot of empty space in there...or something, you know? and then there's third block. the library! i love it. i don't do as much in there, really, as in other classes, but angela and i are working hard on pathways. so much so that i'm afraid no one else is going to get the opportunity. But! we have some really great prose this year. yep, ed and erika, ellie and...well, angela and i...god. every year, i am completely surprised by the amount of my stuff that makes it into the 'yes' pile. is my stuff really that good, or is it just that i turn more stuff in than anyone else? well, whatever. i'm just worried that, because i'm an editor, people think i just put my stuff in pathways, regardless of what people say. and that's absolutely not true. if it were up to me, nothing of mine would get put in pathways. but, unfortunately, due (in large part) to peer pressure, i put my stuff in. oh! we voted on a cover, and the choice makes me incredibly happy. i won't reveal anything else; if you want to find out all the awesome stuff we have for pathways this year, you'll just have to buy it (yep, that's right, i'm trying to up our sales through use of my blog).

well, i've kept you all long enough (as if anyone's actually going to read this, seeing as how my blog has weirded out). so, sadly, i must say goodbye and end this blog on a happy note. bye!

tales from the forest of gnomes

okay, it's a song title, i admit it...but i like it! anyway...i'm not at school today. my lungs aren't doing too well. it's not too surprising, as i've been having a bit of trouble all week, but today they're just bad, so i stayed home. and snuggled under my electric blanket to sleep more. ah! but don't worry; my lungs only stay this bad for a day or so. luckily, it's friday so if they stay like this, i won't miss more shcool days. i guess this is my lungs' retribution over the fact that i can stop my asthma attacks. weird, but true. all i have to do is stay calm and take small, measured breaths. it normally works, mainly because they're not like major or anything. so yeah. my lungs like to freak out when the temperature changes a lot. and this week the temperatures have been a bit odd. but for that, i just stay home and laze around all day. it's pretty nice. and my mom always tends to take me out around 2:00 to get some sweets or a new book. so yeah. that's why i'm not in school today. well, let me get back to breathing in vicks vaporub...believe me it helps a lot...bye!

if i wasn't a freak...i think i'd be dull

well, i don't think i'm EVER donating blood again...i am, apparently, too affected by the blood loss. i get loopy...and giggly. and random things seem funny or fun when they really aren't. and then, i get all weirdie and moody. like, i got home and was giggling like mad, and then i got hungry for some cake or something of the sort. and when my mom told me we didn't have sweets of any kind, i burst into tears and made my brother go to the convienience store across the street to get me some food. and when he came back without any food, i started crying again, only to stop when i stood up to get my robe (as i was freezing, tho the house is exceptionally warm today). yeah...i burst out laughing and didn't stop for a good half hour. adn then i slowly got better and looked back on the previous four hours with growing horror. yeah...like i said, i don't think i'm going to donate any more blood. it might not be a good idea...but at least i can move my arm, which is a good sign. i really thought that dropping my bookbag on my arm was going to make it hurt longer, but i guess not.
well, i should go. i have to yell at Tsukushi for a couple of minutes. yeah, that character's being an idiot. bye!

apples in may

okay, so i went to young harris today and did the whole tour thing. it's pretty cool there, so i think i'll like it...we got to sit in one of the professors' classrooms and he gave us a little mini-lesson. it was social politics...or something of the sort...it was actually a pretty good session; the subject was rather interesting. i think i will really like it there. so. yeah...though sometimes i think people'll look down on me a bit for going to Young Harris. but, really, it's a good school. and i know enough about myself to realize that if i ever went to a bigger school, i'd have trouble. i just couldn't handle that many people all around, you know? besides. at least at young harris, i can sit and stare at the clouds and stars and watch the sun rise over the mountains and such without too much trouble. you know, 'cuz i'm a bit loony like that...and that's something i like. besides, it's a good college, really. and the classes sound like they'd be a bit harder with smaller classes. i mean, mainly because the professors will know the students and will probably teach with more...idk, passion, maybe? in any case, it'll probably be like an AP class, so i'm game.
well, angela and liz were there, too. so that was fun, even tho we weren't in the same tour groups...liz and i kept passing each other, tho. well, in any case, i was walking up some stairs, you know, with the tour guy dude and whatever, and i felt like the whole thing was just a continuation of now. but, then, everything's a continuation of now, isn't it? oh look! ivy's grown in through the window! sorry, random. so i feel happy. well, not completely, wonderfully, bubbly happy. yeah, because that would probably be indicative of a stupid decision coming my way...or at least a hastily made one...
ack! the days are too long, too long! and the weeks seem so short! all right, well, i suppose this is the end of my post. oh, and i hear we're supposed to get some snow and freezing rain tonight. hopefully, we won't miss anymore school.
all right. so i'm off to watch the rest of Hana Kimi. or, rather, Hanazakari no Kimitachi e, as it's the japanese version...bye!

If feathers from the wings of an angel fell would i think them naught but snow?

i see the world from my window. and imagine how it would be if i was more of one thing and less like another. would i dare to step out in the snow, arms lifted to catch the whisper-soft flakes? would i smile and let my head tilt back so that i could glimpse eternity in the falling white? would a laugh escape my lips as the cold touched my cheeks? or would i lose the imagined delight to the sensibilities which lay beyond my window? sometimes i wish i could stay in my room forever, never disturbed, so that i could gaze out my window forever. and what would i glimpse, from that small portal there? i could witness the passage of time and keep the illusion that i am still unchanged. the land would change, people would come, towers would be built. and yet i would stay there, unmoving, unblinking, until at last i find myself without form, a figure silent and sad, still gazing from the window. But that's too sad, isn't it? i didn't, however, mean it to be sad. i was simply thoughtful. after all, thinking remains my only means of escape from the walls i willingly built. but enough of that. though i cannot seem to stop myself, i shall try. no one deserves too many glimpses of so strange a mind. should the strings that hold me ever fail, will i fall into the depths until the end? maybe. but, then, i've always been able to keep myself afloat. ah, it's truly a pity i can't sink beneath the surface. i think being crazy would offer a freedom few of us ever have the opportunity to experience. and that thought alone will keep me sane. i haven't figured out yet whether this is a good or bad thing. maybe the entire world needs a bit of insanity now and then...to pull them--at least for a moment--from the nonsensical. after all, the world never makes sense when you're sane.
oh, but have you ever stood and looked up as the snow fell? it's like you're falling too. the world seems to spin, ever so slightly, beneath you...though you barely feel it because the ground no longer matters. you're there, with the snow, drifting witht he wind. sometimes it's fast, or slow, like a dream. and the world narrows. in the daytime, everything's white and grey, gentle, drifting...but at night...! at night it's as if you're encased in this own little separate realm and things are so focused. nothing matters but those snow flakes fluttering down. nothing. it's a...narrowing of everything...but an expansion, too. it's not something which can be entirely explained, you know? that's why when it snows, i dream of angels' wings. and i dream of things i could never hope to express. i want to keep those moments close...more so than most any other. because...well...have you ever felt everything? i mean, have you ever thought of something far away, of strangers moving around their own little world, doing things entirely separate from you? have you felt, for just a split second, that there was no space? that you could reach out your hand and touch the petal of a flower thousands of miles away and yet at the same time feel the cool, feathery touch of a snowflake? it's like that. only, your encounters are never limited. you know? but, yet again, i babble. needless to say, i love the snow. that should suffice for now...
well, bye!

would the world still be beautiful at its end or more so because of its fragility?

So I can't tell you why my heart warms when it rains. But I can tell you it matters. It might not later, but it does now. You know...I never mean to spout out such nonsense. Well...perhaps others should find it nonsense. I, however, often find amusement in my odd ramblings and questions. Sometimes I look back on them and wonder just where they came from...which often sends me careening off into another hastily-documented musing. Should I consider these thoughts as an escape? After all, they could be observed as such. However, they might simply be honest reactions to the world around me. Then again, I could be crazy and someone will eventually use them as evidence to my lack of stability and sanity. Still, who would care enough to do so?
Things in life are quite fleeting. If you think on it, we humans are little more than tiny sparks in an endless darkness. Time, oddly enough, is the only thing truly timeless. But let's not go off on some tangent regarding time and all its mysteries (as I've done so before...). After all, time is not my main point (though it does play some part...and can I truly admit to having an actual point?). I suppose my point would be true beauty...and the nature of such a subject. Beauty, I feel, can be observed in that which is most fleeting, in that which has no true copy.
Think of a waterfall. It can be quite beautiful, ne? It glistens in the sun, tumbling white and silver, cascading down to disappear into a cloud of thunderous mist. Not water, really, but rather a collection of crystalline droplets, vying for freedom, only to disappear at the end. And the water falling down into such a sight? Ech inch of water is never the same as before. Constantly moving, constantly nothing but an evanescent tumble of shimmering water.
Or perhaps you'd rather bring a flower to mind. Perhaps a cherry blossom with shades of pink and white. So delicate, it begins as a bud, its petals slowly unfurling. But each day it changes--holding a different beauty for each stage of its life--until finally it gives up its tenuous hold on the branch that bore it and floats gently to earth, joining a shower of its kin. And is ever that cherry blosson so beautiful as when it rains down, reaching to embrace the ground which bore its parent? In that final dance, the blossom drifts down, a petal pulling away, and then another, and then another, until the flower lies on a dusting of its fallen companions, less than it was before and yet carrying so much more meaning. There is glory in the fall, glory in such gentle release. But can words capture it? Can words do anything but invoke a pale and fruitless copy of such a scene?
But I have digressed. I meant to write of beauty. But I cannot accept that I have. For there never can be any real beauty, can there? What I see may never compare to the sight of others. For my soul is not that of another.
I have questions. Many and for always. But who does not? Sometimes I can believe we were placed on earth merely to wonder at its mysteries. What is beauty? What is love? Will I ever fall in love? This is not guaranteed. After all, love, in my opinion (which doesn't count, seeing as i am quite young in the scheme of things), is a blending of souls--a kinship, perhaps. And my sould, I am afraid, is quite already enamored of the intangible.
So, when it comes to beauty, or love, or perhaps even the world's more enigmatic subjects, you must decide for yourself. I am only my own judge, after all, and can find only answers for myself. Do not look to others for your understanding; your heart alone knows what you struggle with.

the stars are out when the sun still shines

can people be so engrossed in the "bigger things" that they no longer see those small details? would very many people sit softly on the grass, a wilting petal in their palm, wondering over the tiny, hair-fine lines running like stream beds over its silky surface? but that's too random and dreamy, isn't it? i think, for most people, there's always a time when they find themselves too busy to do something simple like that...or even think about doing that. is it a good thing, i wonder, that we clutter up our lives with an excess of trappings, that we continuously move about, never letting our minds truly rest? what do your dreams consist of, i wonder? what images does your mind play in the dark silence of night? does your imagination soar over impossibly beautiful and colorful dreams? or are you lost in a world filled with the day-to-day jumble of moments?
can you describe, with a word, something you saw, some pretty thing you observed? for me, it's hard. for all my use of words, for all my time spent writing down scores of stories and poems, when i see something, i can't describe it. feelings, i think, can't be limited to a few words, they're all-encompasing, filling the heart and spreading from there, until the slowly fade, like ripples on a pond. but can you describe them? can you flip through a dictionary and pinpoint the world which describes how you felt, what you saw? i don't know if i'm capable. sometimes, i wish i was a painter. or that i could write music.two things without words that limit. odd that i feel this way and the thing i do with the most proficiency involves nothing but words. if you had the choice, right now, to be either a writer, a painter, or a composer, which would you choose?
ah, but i musn't look down on writing. with simple rhythms, and words, you can invoke anything. you can spread chills or warmth, elicit laughter or tears. well, i should stop questioning things, shouldn't i? it could get a bit gnarled down the road if i continue. still, if only we could diresctly demonstrate to people our own feelings, instead of using mediums...this world, i think, might be quite a bit different.
okay, i've written enough odd and unusual things...i shall say goodbye now...sayonara!

am i supposed to feel older now?

my birthday is tomorrow...or, rather, today...yep, i turn eighteen today. isn't it exciting? not really. my parents have been saying this whole week, "how does it feel to be almost eighteen?" in these really conspiratorial voices...and then they get all disappointed or alienated when i say, "it's a birthday, no big deal...i feel the same as yesterday..." it's a fact that i probably won't feel eighteen for another couple of months...but, you know, parents expect an answer...no noncommittal shrugs for them...they simply won't have it...
well, anyway, i'm here at angela's house, having a nice, eventful, GH/anime-filled sleepover...only it's like five in the morning and no sleeping has actually taken place...it's mostly been action all night. later today i shall go back home to my family and celebrate this "monumental" birthday, amidst idiotic comments and "advice" which sounds more like the firm belief of failure in life. you know, they think they're helping but, really, they're only making me wish i didn't have to leave my room and talk to them. i know they're trying to help and be useful, but i have commonsense! actually, it seems i got all of my brothers' commonsense, too, so i have my fair share...they don't need the whole, "even though you're not incredibly smart like your brothers (who, in fact, are not smarter than i am, if only because they are smart in only one area), and even if you don't have much of a chance, you really shouldn't get too depressed...you'll end up happy someday...maybe you'll settle down and have a nice bunch of kids..." yeah. because all that applies to me. i don't get depressed. it's not practical. why get depressed? after all, my life isn't nearly as bad as it could possibly be, what with all the possibilities in the world. and i don't care about whether or not i end up "happy" because that's not the point. and to settle down...sounds like a horribloe damper in my alone-with-books time...
needless to say, being eighteen isn't that great, if only because i don't care too much...should i care? should i be like every other student and immediately mark my eighteen-ness with some tattoo or random piercing? let's go wild and impulsive merely because we've hit some sort of wonderful number in our lives...IT'S A NUMBER!!!!! WHO CARES?????? okay, just wanted to get that out...your age doesn't really matter beyond the boundaries of the law...i mean, really...as long as you feel yourself, it's okay, right? numbers don't define you, do they? not unless your confidence is wavering...oh...and what's up with 40? yeah, it's one of those scary, up-there numbers but think: people live to like 100 now...forty isn't even halfway...don't complain about being old until you can't get yourself out of bed...
ah, sorry...didn't mean to go on a tangeant...i just think 40 is a pretty number and it's horrible the way people malign it...well, happy birthday to me...and everyone else who shares my birthday...

Tales from the new year

i went to the book nook today...i'm so glad...i mean, i haven't bought any new books in like a week...i was feeling pretty bad...i picked up Snakecharm by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, Peony in Love by Lisa See (author of Snow Flower and the Secret Fan), and I bought a collection of the Brothers Grimm...yep...all in all, i'd say it was a good little book spree and a wonderful way to start out the new year...yes, so anyway, we didn't have school today and i hear we aren't having school tomorrow, either...oh, how awful! here i was looking forward to finally escaping boredom-land and get back to school but now it has been delayed...what a shame...no sarcasm intended, really. i don't know what i'm goign to do for another day...i can't stand it...if it weren't so cold, i'd go through with some dramatic escape plan just to amuse myself...you know, make rope out of bed linens, dig holes in the walls, bribe the "guard" dogs...the whole shebang...well, i'm gonna go now...i have more boredom to endure...bye!

so marks the end of bleach...for now

meh, i just finished watching the last episode of bleach...well, it's not really the last episode, i simply caught up with all 154 of the japanese releases...and the next episode doesn't come out until january 9th!!!! and avatar is on a break, too...sigh...maybe i should go back to watching naruto: shippuden...i think i'm like five episodes behind...or something like that...waah! and all my favorite manga haven't been updated in a while (or, like hanazakari no kimitachi e, are completed)...it makes me sad, it does. now how am i going to amuse myself in my free time? i should just watch death note...i mean, that was a pretty awesome manga...still, it's depressing...you know how many things i have to keep up with? all right. i'm keeping up with vampire knight, bleach, naruto (anime and manga), avatar: the last airbender, ouran high school host club, and several other randoms here and there...ack! there's a new bleach movie called "diamond dust rebellion" that just came out in the japanese theatres on the 22nd, and it's totally awesome-looking! it's about my favorite character: hitsugaya toshirou...and, even tho it's out already, i have to wait months to see it! all because it has to come out in stores and then be translated (tho i'm sure there're going to be a few pirated versions, but those'll be crappy quality so no point even looking for those...)! it makes me sad...hmmm...there was a naruto: shippuden movie coming out, tho i don't know when that was...perhaps i'll go check that out...bye, all!

my memory is slipshod, at best

b-109...i have to remember that...why? well, because. that's right. no real explanation...why would i need one? well, possibly to help me remember what that vague reference means. well, hopefully i'll remember without details but, then, one never knows. does anyone ever think about time? oh, i don't mean the time of day or whatever. no, i mean in the broader sense of the term. time is eternal and finite all at the same time. but does it stretch on forever or circle back? ir is it simply endless, following no direction whatsoever, simply there, as one might put it? i don't know...does anyone? then again, time, like anything else, i suppose, is what you make of it. time is the ultimate illusion and yet the only real thing we can claim. circles within circles. everything, it seems is part of a larger circle. but that doesn't necessarily hold true for time. history repeats itself, running in a never-ending cycle. but history is history and can't repeat itself. history, after all, is the collection of past moments. so it can't be repeated. no, humans, however, often repeat themselves. oh, societies and situations change, but we can't help ourselves, can we? we simply go on and on, in the same endless wheel and expect everything else to follow. so, using that logic, wouldn't time be linear? but, if one were to apply that logic to anything else, nothing would go around in circles. it would all be an illusion. which is exactly my point, as confusing as it is. we can't fathom anything goign out of the strict lines and boundaries we ourselves live by. so we automatically assume everything is as it should be and so everything is, despite how illogical things seem at a particular moment. but, i didn't mean to go off into some little rant. actually, that wasn't my intention. it just goes to show what happens when i blog without anything to say...

the christmas that almost wasn't

my christmas morning went fairly well, i think. well, despite my having woken up at 5:00 with a migraine. yeah, that kinda sucked...luckily, though, after about a half-hour debate, i managed to roll out of bed and find some aspirin. all was good. well, my mom woke me up at seven so that everyone could open their presents. i got sweaters and money and...a HEATED BLANKET!!!!! oh, it's so great! you know, i think i mentioned to my mom (as a joke, really) a couple of months ago that i was eventually going to get myself an electric blanket, considering that i'm always cold (i have, currently, seven blankets and my new heated blanket on my bed...and yet no one else is cold...go figure...). well, she got me one! isn't that awesome?!? well, i think it is, but only because i'm won over by weird things like that. i thought things would be weird, considering, but, strangely enough, my mom and i fall back into this same rhythm, and don't speak about things...it's like the whole thing is totally forgotten or, rather, didn't happen. but it did. still, my christmas so far has been great and tomorrow i'm going shopping...and then possibly i will see phil and anna in a couple of days! oh, gosh! i haven't seen phil in so long! i'm so excited. he's the best, really. he's just great, so fun and bouncy to be around.
well, anyway...i should go...last night i got hit with about three story plots, all from different angles, and now i have to go write them down. alas, if only sugar plum fairies danced in my head instead of characters from stories not yet written...

bad days always begin with good news

my cousin was born last night. yeah, she was born around nine and weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces. i heard she was really, really cute and that she already has everyone at her beck and call. after being woken up at eight in the morning with the news, my day went fairly okay. and then stuff happened. a simple sentence led to a misunderstanding and then someone blew everything way out of proportion. so i'm stuck feeling guilty when i only said one little thing. and it wasn't even mean or anything, you know? but someone took it the wrong way and now things are tumbling down. funny, though, how when bad things happen they don't hit you for a little while. in a couple of days, i'm sure i'll feel it but for right now, i'm rather calm. odd, that. so, i'll explain things when i get back to school. for right now, though, i'd rather not go into it...

if only i didn't ever have to tie my shoes...

nnh. you know, i had been feeling off for a while, but i wasn't entirely sure what was wrong. I mean, there were times when i felt like i was living out three different lives, and none were mine. have you ever felt that way? stil, since quitting my job, i really began to understand what was wrong. and, i can't really explain it, but i'll try. it was like three different colors were splashed across my life, each with it's own tangle of mangled shades and feelings. And at the center was me, lost in a sea of gray clouds. It was as if i were searching for myself in those mismatched colors, never realizing that each was me. And yet none were. but it's better now. my days aren't so cut up. i think i just needed to stop for a moment and think about it. i also have to think about cutting a few knotted strings, too...you know, random trappings which only serve to distract you. yup. you know, i would love to know what a psychiatrist would think of me. that could be interesting. but, you know, i'm probably too overdramatic. best not to overthink things. well, since i'm currently distracting myself from deep thought, i think i shall leave you all to watch bleach.
oh, but wait! there are friend/family updates: angela was in the hospital today to get her toncils taken out. everything went fine, but i think i'll have her explain the afternoon to you all; i'm sure her account would be much more amusing. i must say, tho, that my ecperience was, apparently, quite amusing. yeah...apparently, when i woke up, my world turned blue...and i remember that the "wild and crazy dreams" the doctors predicted i would have while under did not, in fact, actually happen. i had completely normal dreams. weird, huh? and i found the world, apparently, to be moving far too fast for me...i do remember, tho, that i was really cold. yeah, they had like five heated blankets on me...angela seemed cold, too. you know, she went to visit me after i had my toncils taken out...and i visited her! liz and amber came, too, and we had quite the time. we completely transformed that hospital room.
well, my aunt was supposed to have her baby over the weekend. she didn't. so she went in to the doctor's on tuesday night and they induced her. only she still hasn't had the baby. apparently she's only like six centimeters dialated and the pain medicine they gave her (that really powerful stuff they shoot right into your back) isn't working at all. so she's in a lot of pain right now. but she'll pull through. i'm confident. anyway, the doctor's going to visit her sometime this evening and if she's still not dialating correctly, they're going to give my aunt a c-section. so my cousin should be born either tonight or tomorrow. hopefully.
well, i'm going to go watch bleach now...bye!

parents can be stupid, too...mine especially

all right. i'm going to complain. seeing as how my parents are, in fact, hindering my health, i believe i have the right. you know, my parents smoke in the house, but, as i have asked, they do not smoke while i am in a room with them. so they move from room to room, depending on where i am or what i'm doing. well, apparently, my mother doesn't like that. "i am sick and tired of moving from room to room, stephanie!" she yelled a couple of minutes ago. yeah, well, i'm sick and tired of not being able to breathe like a normal person and that is, most definitely, through no fault or choice of my own...but, then, i forgot you were born craving cigarettes, mom. please, forgive me my lapse in memory...anyway, i said, "yeah, well i don't like having asthma, but there it is..." to which my stepdad replied, "you don't have asthma."
...no. i don't have asthma. i've been deluding myself for six years now. yep. and i've even tricked my doctor into believing it, too. grr. i must say, to all the parents out there, that you are not God. you are not infalliable and you must realize this. instead of getting annoyed by a child's simple request regarding their health, you really should at least listen and consider. because doing anything less makes you look like a selfish idiot.
...okay...i'm finished. really, i just needed to get that out there. i've lived around smokers my whole life...and my asthma went untreated for quite a long time...and my family wonders why i complain so much. sigh. oh well, anyway, i should probably stop this little half-rant...it does no good to rail uselessly against my parents on a blog...still, bad habits and all that...well, bye!

washing dishes makes me rant...

i both love and hate washing dishes. i love washing dishes...i just hate washing my family's dishes...okay...why can they not understand the neccesity of rinsing their plates off directly after they use them? i mean seriously. they just throw their dishes into the sink, stuff just stuck on, and walk away, letting food cake on the dishes i have to spend a lot of time cleaning. and why do i have to spend a lot of time cleaning them???? BECAUSE MY FAMILY IS A BUNCH OF SLOBS!!!!! grr! ahhhh! if i have to spend any more of my time trying to wash off gued-on syrup and BBQ sauce, i am going to do something rash (such as throwing those plates away!)! AND it's mostly food i would never in my life ever consider eating! because, ewww, they have horrid taste in food (maybe it's just me, but this is my rant and i'm not allowing any self-depricating comments here). meh! it's not so hard, really. simply turn the water on, and hold the plate under the water for a couple seconds until most of the food is fairly off. i can deal with the rest. but, no, if your entire plate is covered with an inch-thick layer of syrup (why so much syrup!!!?!?!?!?!?!), i'm going to take it that you're lazy and slovenly. yes. why, why must i be saddled with people who don't understand the word "sanitary?" sniff. the water makes my nail polish flake off...
okay, i'm done. what now? what other chore have they contrived for the now nearly-liberated stephanie? sniff. i'm cold, i want to play final fantasy XII, and my mother is screaming at the football game!!!!! i want to go back to work (i got food i liked there)! well, i don't really want to go back to work. i'm finished with the place. i'd much rather return to school.
okay, so my rant is over. you can all thank me later. well, so long!

bleh

all right. so i quit my job. that's right. well, mainly because will was fired. yup. and then there's the fact that domino's has been a bit...wretched in regards to its employees. so, i quit. and i feel really happy about it. i do feel a tiny bit guilty, tho, for having left in seemingly such a hurry. but, this now means that i'll have to find another job. not to worry, tho. i know of a couple places that are hiring. so it's not the end of the world or anything of that nature. well, i'm going to leave now, to enjoy my small independence...i think i'll go read or sleep or something...bye now!

ah, finally...something worth posting...

yesterday, my mom took me to the bank and i got a new checking account. basically b/c my mom doesn't want to have to deal with any of my college expenses (well, until she absolutely has to, that is). anyway, after that, we went to the dollar store. we were just walking around and i suddenly heard my name being called. i turned but, as i couldn't see anyone, i continued on my way until a very loud "effie" rang through the store. It was angela!!!! and mugen. they, apparently, were out with mrs. millie and brittany, shopping for stuff, too. yes. apparently, mugen smelled vanilla and immediately assumed i was in the store. and angela went and found me. well, to make a long story short, i ended up at angela's house for the night. and it was FUN. tho, we did spend a while at the gas station. yep. and MC almost ran angela and i down. not really. but she was there, too. at the gas station, that is. well, after we filled up, we went to my house and got my things. and i got...DDR! that's right. Dance Dance Revolution. so we got to angela's house and broke out DDR. after a little while of that, i switched to guitar hero...did you know that it's extremely hard to switch between those two games? it messes with the mind. well, after GH, i played DDR again. and then GH again. and then i read. but, basically, angela and i had a lot of fun messing around with DDR. and, since i never have the opportunity to play the game at my house, i gave DDR to angela. hey, DDR is HARD. especially when the mat keeps moving and so you have to migrate with it until you've come to place the whole room between yourself and the TV, not to mention a few pieces of furniture.
oh, i just texted my mom, you know, to say good morning and everything. well, she texts back and asks for my address. i'm thinking, okay, she means e-mail, right? well, when i asked her, she said, "no, like to send cards and stuff to." so, here i'm thinking i've somehow been kicked out of the house in the single night that i was away and so i call her up. well, apparently, she didn't look at the number and just thought it was my older brother who was texting her. it was horrible and funny and the same time. she kept apologizing because she felt so bad for scaring me and i was just laughing my head off. so, i'm in a fairly good mood today. but now i must go b/c i have a new, unread book (angela's book) to read. bye!

erm...nothing really exciting has happened to me in a while, i mean, besides the writer's club/book club party we had this morning, but that wasn't as exciting as the fact that people liked my muffins. that's right. i made chocolate chip muffins. and they're all gone. so, basically, i have nothing to blog about. oh. i braided my hair today. it took me a while to get it to look all right, but i managed. well, it's second block right now and angela and i are in the library. again. it's not so bad. since our group finished our little project thingie monday and mrs. nichols is letting everyone finish up, we decided to leave the class, but only because angela wanted peace and i wanted...well, i don't really know what i want to do. odd, huh? my life, i'm afraid, is in bad need of excitement. really. either that, or i need some new books. books. yes...mayhap my mom will take me to the book nook this afternoon if i ask her really nicely...yup. i have money, too. my great-aunt sandy just sent me some for christmas. aww...she's only ever forgotten me once. she always sends stuff. and her cards are so cute! i wonder how she's doing. i miss that side of my family. my mom is always saying that we'll go visit, but then she changes her mind at the last minute. hopefully, though, i'll be going up to pennsylvania for spring break. and then i'll get to meet my new cousin, who is definitely being born this week. yeah, the doctors told my aunt that they're going to induce her if she doesn't have the baby. They're rather concerned about her health and whatnot. but she's doing fine, i hear. and so is the baby. gosh, my grandmother is so excited. she's acting as if this is her first grandchild. aww. poor lexi. spoiled before she was even born. well, when she learns to read, i'll send her lots and lots of books. oh, lord. the poor thing, she is going to get pink-shot when she's born b/c my aunt and grandmother have done absolutely everything in pink. i'll have to send my cousin some darker shades, just to give her a bit of variety. well, the bell just rung, so i have to go. bye!

if the sky was green instead of blue, what color would the clouds be?

so i've finished my essay, well, besides a few corrections here and there, and i am rewarding myself with a marathon of Bleach. meanwhile, my mom is busy bustling around the house, putting up christmas decorations and whatnot. My stepdad has fled the house in terror of my mother's whilrwind fury, and my brother is amusing himself with some show or game or movie...football, maybe? anyway, when i get everything in order concerning my essay, i shall have to go through the unbearable process of putting it onto my e-mail and printing it out at school. lovely. which means i'll have to completely re-format it. still, it'll be fine. i'll get it together, present it to kriegy, and hope i get a decent grade. yup. mostly out of my hands. hmm.
well, to further enlighten you all about my doings and happenings, i shall continue, though i must admit from here on out it's not too exciting. i'm going to go as long as i can watching bleach (well, until i'm finally kicked off the computer or have to go to work) and then return to dominoes, where hopefully i won't explode. mugen was fired last night. and for nothing at all. it's odd, tho. mugen's been there the longest, knows everything there is to know, works fast, and does nearly everything perfectly. and yet he was fired. and replaced with a guy who shakes when he makes misshapen pizzas. makes me sad. and i won't be able to see him much at all anymore. which is extremely sad. people are quite nonsensical, really. i wonder, though, whether or not anyone can change that.
ah, i shouldn't watch the clouds too often. it fills my head with unusual questions. and, apparently, causes people to worry about me. it's sweet that they care, but i don't want to worry anyone. i'm fine, just reaching enlightenment, or going stark raving mad (well, not so much raving), or whatever. so don't worry, ne?
anyway, i should go. i must return to bleach!

"what is this?" she asked me, a smile in her sorrow-filled eyes...

so nothing happens to me, so my life propbably sucks. but i don't care. the world, i think, is a jumble of broken things, and people themselves are shards placed haphazardly together, their edges cutting those around them. but, occassionaly, there are times when the edges soften and you see in that person what they could be, if only they knew. there are moments when you look up at the sky and realize just how small you always were. and it comforts you, because the world has so many things left to see. even if you were to die tomorrow, your life will never be over, because somewhere, some place where the sky touches the earth, there are a thousand possibilities waiting for you. it's a comfort, i think, when things seem bad, when the world seems darker than the night. If people will only look around, they'll realize there's so much more than the miseries in life. anything is beautiful, i think, if you look past what is there to see.
so that didn't make sense, but believe me, i've said a great many more things which make even less sense than the above. Don't be swallowed in misery just because it's an easy thing to do.

I'm allowed to have my quirks

I can say, absolutely, that last night's hour-long episode of Avatar: the Last Airbender was just awesome! Some big secrets were revealed and, though I had already figured out most of them, I was pleasantly surprised by their having been revealed. Not to mention that it was just a cool episode. I think I liked "Day of Black Sun" more than I liked "The Puppetmaster," which totally went into an ability I and several other fanfic-writers predicted. For most people, being able to figure out all the secrets behind the show normally makes them lose interest, but Avatar is really a neat little show and figuring out evereything just makes me want to watch to see how it all plays out.
yeah, so i wanted to bubble about avatar for a bit. other than that, though, nothing much has happened to me...well, except for some very cool dreams, but, then, that always seems to be the way of my dreams.
My house is empty right now; everyone has gone off to bowling...so i can pretty much do whatever i want...it's a pity there's nothing i really want to do. sad, really. well, actually, there is something i want to do. I want to watch the next episode of Avtar. but, alas, I cannot. so i shall have to amuse myself in some other fashion...but not by reading fanfictions. there are hardly any of any realy quality, so i might as well not even look...i know! i can write another chapter on my existing Avatar fanfic and then start another! won't that be fun? it will. all right! then i shall say farewell! bye!

tales from beyond

so i was out sick today, as you already know. i don't quite understand it, really. i thought yesterday that i was getting better, but it turns out i wasn't. i woke up this morning without a voice, the ability to breathe through my nose, and the ability to walk in a straight line without running into a suddenly non-stationary wall. so i was sent back to bed. where i gladly stayed until noon. i woke up again, took some medicine my mom got me, and fell asleep three hours later (after about an hour and a half of forcing myself to stay awake). and i just woke up again half an hour ago. and i'm really, really tired. but my voice came back and i can breathe! so that's the report. now, if my brother can be quiet for more than a minute, i guess i'll go back to bed...but i should probably eat breakfast first...

I love Manga!!!

KYAHHHH!!!!!! Ouran High School Host Club has been updated and chapter 56 is now up!!! after two months!!!!oh, this is wonderful...aww, but I am sad that I have finished Hanazakari no Kimitachi E...makes me sad, but I have found two new mangas to read, too! Vampire Knights (which has more depth to it than most of the other manga fluff) and Full Moon wo Sagashite (is really fluffy but has its moments). Still, I am totally psyched about the new Host Club update! and it's all about my favorite character: Kyoya! he's so cool. He's not really the main character, or the one everyone thinks the main character is going to get involved with, but he's still a really great character. He is just presented as having so much more beneath the surface. so, anyway, I must affirm my love of manga. and anime. yep. thank god there are people willing to cater to such addictions! well, i must go. dakara sayonara!!!!

Thanksgiving fun

grr...you know, i don't understand the whole appeal of thanksgiving...well, i used to, when i went to my mommom pat's house for thanksgiving dinner. but now, it's just a holiday with turkey. it seems to have lost most of its meaning, you know? perhaps that's because my mom is so convinced that someone's going to ruin her thanksgiving that she gets really uptight. and the fact that my stepdad just cannot help but be an ass. so those two are yelling at each other all day while i hide in my room because i really don't feel like watching football all day long. my little brother hides in his room because everyone is yelling at him to get out of the way or shut up. lovely. and it never fails that, every year, during dinner, my eating habits are called into question once more. "you don't like mashed potatoes?" no. of course not. i hate mashed potatoes. you know this. i never eat mashed potatoes. "well, these mashed potatoes are real mashed potatoes...mmmm! aren't they good, honey? pete, aren't they really good?...you should really have some. go on, have some..." grr...and like four other sides are shoved in my face, too. and then, because i stay quiet and ignore everyone, my mother accuses me of ruining her thanksgiving meal. "why can't you just try some? just a little bit? everyone will leave you alone then." because the foods make me sick. i've told you this hundreds of times. you've actually witnessed the aftermath before...seriously. ah, but it's all good. at least they don't bother me about dessert...and, despite the tension and sniping, the atmosphere is pretty good...ah, makes me want to play final fantasy...
uggh...i feel horrid. my nose is all stopped up and my throat feels wretched. i want to faint every time i stand, too, which means i probably have a bit of a fever. but! the turkey shall revive me...! oh, but do you know how horrible it is to sneeze every five minutes? and not just regular sneezes. no, i mean high-pitched, throw you back two feet, bounce you off of walls sneezes. now imagine sneezing like that every five minutes while sitting in a chair that rolls. not pretty. my dogs have taken to avoiding the area around me...and, horror of horrors! i ran out of tissues!!!!! it's horrible!!!!! yep, i've already used up a giant box of tissues...
oh, i went to work last night...i never realized just how many people hate cooking the night before thanksgiving. but, as i suspected, there were lots and lots of people. and only three insiders to handle everything. i was on phones, on the makeline, at the oven...yep, it was a busy night. i'm sure people were a little aggravated with our bad times last night but, in order to make them happy, my manager and i decided to make the pizzas extremely good. i mean, like, when someone ordered a pizza with everything on it, they got it with TONS of stuff. if our owner had been there, he would have had a heart attack. those pizzas looked damn good. they were really tasty-looking. and the customers were soooooo nice! hardly anyone complained. i think they all understood. there, of course, was one person who called and complained about their order just because they wanted a free pizza, but we get calls like that all the time. i know they wanted a free pizza because they called back and said that they had paid for two pizzas and only got one. we looked back on the order and saw that we only charged them for one because they only ordered one. and i took the order. they only wanted one pizza. one pizza. it's okay, tho...they were a bit tipsy...
well, everything's quiet right now...well, except for the football game...my mom has that turned up to deafening proportions in the living room.
oh! and angela! i watched part of the chicago parade...i didn't see you in the part i watched, but i taped the rest of it. so, maybe i'll see the band later on! oh, and are you warm? i hope it wasn't too bad for you, tho it was snowing...congrats, tho, for going!

Yay for Hana Kimi!

all right! i've found my latest manga obsession! well, in my desperation for more Ouran High School Host Club, i decided to find a new manga to distract myself with...and found Hanazakari no Kimitachi E (translated to "For You In Full Blossom)!!!!! and i love it! i haven't been able to stop reading it. and, luckily, it's finished, so i won't have to wait for updates!!!! yes!!!! ah, these shoujo mangas, so addictive! mwahaha! oh, anime people are so pretty!!!!
okay...enough of the gushing...let's get to how i'm feeling...ahhhh!!!!! i feel miserable!!!! someone gave me a cold! grrr...school is nothing but a cess pool filled with germy miscreants!!! thank god for friends like angela! she understands the importance of shying away from those germy people!!!! waaah! there are so many!!!
grr...you know what? i've been reading too much manga...i've been slipping in and out of manga-talk and am even beginning to take on those sarcastic little side notes, too! waaaaay to much manga...and waaaaay too much time on my hands...hmm...i want to watch some anime...i believe there's another episode of Naruto: Shippuden out...
well, here's to anime and large-sized tissue boxes!!!

so life is falling down around my ears. luckily, i'm too busy trying not to notice to really notice. so i'll continue on, having random, angry outbursts or make vague comments here and there. and hope things'll turn around. after all, if you have a good attitude for everything but still stay cynical, not only will you not be disappointed, but you'll be okay. you'll not lose yourself when everyone else has already given up. Or they begin to wonder how exactly they got to where they are.
on the bright side, tho, i'm going to angela's house this weekend. that should be fun and distracting. you know, right now i'm listening to mozart..."lacrimosa" is the song ...it reminds me of the song they played on the lion king when mufasa died. yup. that's what it makes me think of. anyway, i really like that song. i forgot how much i enjoy classical music. i think i'll go find some more (and thank angela for reminding me that classical music does exist). you know, it also reminds me of the Lord of the Rings music and some of the older music for final fantasy. yeah...okay, so i'm off to go check my e-mail and see if my fanfic has anymore fans...speaking of, i have to start working on the next chapter (and i really should write some more on my other fanfic). okay...
oh, and gomen nasai. i didn't really mean to go off on a mini tangent at the beginning of this post.
sayonara!

Peter Pan

funny, isn't it, how time moves? sometimes it passes quickly, as if carried by silver wings. And other times it drifts lazily, like a bottle lost at sea. Time moves differently for everyone, and yet stays the same. Sit for a moment and think of the person next to you. Though you might find the day slow, to them, things move without pause. Or they walk beneath the water while you skate on the ice above. What is it, this undefinable thing which fills us? What is it that makes the very air whisper out a breathy sigh? I feel that surely the world is still, that it moves with deliberate hesitation, but the laws of science dispute such feelings. The mind, it seems, works hand in hand with the heart, to bring a world without boundaries, without laws of motion or time. Time flows around us and yet we are ever within time. Can we pause for a moment, to see in sharp clarity, the flutter of a falling leaf? Can we stop the world around twirling petals? We dig in our heels, never noticing that the sand beneath our feet has already turned to water. Time is a river, they say. But what if it isn't? What if we are all merely floating, submerged in an endless sea?

bleh. that's been brewing in me since last night. speaking of last night...yesterday i posted another chapter of my fanfic and got an even bigger response than yesterday! it makes me happy.

Peter Pan was both very foolish and very wise.

The Concert:

the chorus concert went rather well, as did my solo...tho i did have a bit of a slip up...yes, i messed up but, luckily, i acted as if nothing was wrong and went onward, righting myself as quickly as possible without messing up further...and i was also a bit confused about what to do after my solo, considering cov told me a couple of different things. so, i turned a bit and stood next to cody, singing to him like a good little christine. but, hey, i sounded good. so it's all good. i think my little mess up was a combination of nerves and the fact that the microphone in front of me was glowing a distracting shade of blue. my mind blanked for a split second right before i started singing and shouted out, "BLUE!!!!!!" still, no one really noticed. i think. but, i'm telling you all now, so i think a couple more people will know...
all the other soloist did wonderfully (except for a temporary memory lapse from dustin...and cody king's throat decided to konk out for a moment). ashley, especially, did really well, but that's expected, as always. she sand the solo for "anything goes," and her voice is perfect for it...she totally owned that song. on the part of the chorus, there were a couple mistakes; mainly when girls knew the guys' part so well they accidentally went onward...but, on the whole, it was a totally wicked awesome concert...AND NOW WE GET TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC!!!!! aren't you excited? i am. i knew i could only take one semester of chorus this year and i chose first semester because i absolutely, positively, love christmas music. i don't know; it's just so pretty. and tomorrow we learn what we're going to sing!!!!!!!!!!!! yeeeeeee! so excited. i wonder if we'll sing "coventry carol." that, in my opinion, is the prettiest christmas song ever (well, besides "silent night, "o holy night," and "the first noel." those are a given). so, congratulate for not tripping on my insanely long dress and falling flat on my face right in front of the entire audience! and congratulate me for remembering to breathe. my breathing was handled quite well during my solo, i must say. no panicky gasps or squeaks.
oh!!!! cody and dustin were so funny! right before phantom started, they put on capes and then began to run through the church, acting like the phantom! it was great! those two, while sometimes annoying, can be quite entertaining...but i still miss patric. he was the best...
and now, to end this oddly long post, i must thank those who came to the concert in support: angela and liz, without whom i would have never gotten any pictures (thankfully, my parents couldn't make it. is it wrong that i feel so very happy about that?).

Halloween!!!!!!!!

Okay...Halloween was so uber awesome! i just had the best time! we went trick-or-treating around half the square then went off on various paths for about two hours before retreating to Angela's house, where we had this really great little party on her porch (which i helped decorate). when our numbers dwindled down to five, (me, angela, liz, mugen, and will), we ordered pizza from dominoes (and guess what? they messed up on my pizza and put it on thin crust, which i absolutely refuse to even attempt to eat), and sat around a little heater listening to music and talking. afterward, we went inside. then will left and we put in Queen of the Damned, which Mugen has been dying to watch. But mugen had to leave, which left angela, liz, and i to crash (which was within twenty minutes of mugen leaving). and, out of all the vaguery, i must say that i had a really fun time. it was great. i love halloween; it's one of my favorite times of the year (christmas surpasses it only because there are better christmas songs than halloween songs).
all right, so there was the update. i hope your halloween experience was fun, too. or at least pleasant. now...i have to go and read...or sequester myself in the warm room in the library...hmm...i suppose i shall do the latter.

on why i went to the woods...

okay, so i was at work, making a pizza, when this little poem popped into my head...it's not really good, just a sort of random thing...still...enjoy!

Oh, Thoreau, what did you do
out in the woods all alone?
"I sat and thought of things unseen,
"of God and men and earth and trees."
Good Thoreau, my dearest friend,
what happens in the night and rain?
"I cannot tell you that, young dear,
"for 'tis to each his own out here."
Still, I do but ask in all respect:
why did you go into the woods?
"That, young child, is for you to find
as you search in the Wood."

i thought it was a funny little thing, so here it is! yeah, that was all I really wanted to post about...

time for words from a rambling mind...

i was sitting in my room when this came to me...and i just had to write it down...it's sort of meaningless, but i'll put it here anyway...

Science has caught up with belief, I think. Instead of disproving the existence of God, or of some higher being, it has, instead, only given reasons to strengthen such belief. Science tells of atoms, which are, in themselves, created of the same components. We believe these tiny components hide behind no covering or skin, merely generate their own fields with which they use to keep themselves independent of the others. And yet, thinking in such a way, could one not assume that everything, then, is connected? That, despite our skins, the only things separating ourselves from the very around us are minuscule fields generated by the rotation of things so tiny we cannot ever hope to see? We believe they exist, we assume. And yet, even this basis in science is, itself, merely a belief, a blind faith of the inner workings of the universe. I myself cannot profess to understand the mysteries of either science or religion, and yet I know there lies a connection between the two. In this post-modern world, we can reconcile the two. And, yet, do we truly understand? Can we stop for a moment and ponder the enormity of what we follow? Still, should we have to? Blind faith should be simply that: blind. And yet we, as humans, question everything daily. We question the existence of the world, of the universe, of God. We believe something on faith, believing because we were told. And yet when science brings forth belief of another thing, we reject it, unwilling to open our minds to the possibility. Stubbornness, too, can rise just as surely as faith. We wish to keep science separate from belief, and belief separate from science. And yet both depend on the other. So why can we not accept things as they are? But perhaps, somehow, we do. Our faiths slowly changed, evolved, to cope with the wonders of the modern world. As our understandings of the world grew, so did our acceptance of those wonders. Science works on a series of steps and theories, yet proves nothing. A leap of faith is needed to accept what we believed was impossible. And is not religion based on the same leap? Science peels back the layers surrounding old mysteries, even as religion draws a veil over them. Two such warring actions can never come together. And yet they can, if only one believes.

so we walk alone on our paths, wondering if the road is just a road...

self-centered and horrid, two words which, at this moment, i might use to describe myself...but only facets...and this mysterious accusation is irrelevant in any case. Not only do they stem from two different conversations, they really have nothing to do with each other...in the mean time, i must express my deep and sincere regret that i didn't pay more attention to the sky today. Normally, on cloudy days such as this, my attention is captured by the contrast of the stone-gray clouds against the dark mountains, or how sometimes, if you look at just the right moment, mist rises from those dark forms and bleeds into the sky, the color of damp, ruinous stones...i want to be in a smaller house. odd thought, seeing as my house is small anyway...but i mean, when i debut into the real world, almost completely independent from the previous generation, i want a smaller house. i like warm things. i want a tiny house with one room and a teeny living room and a cramped kitchen. i want to smile at every single corner, with yellow rooms and wooden rooms and windows with curtains i can fling back just as the sun is rising...i want to be content. I don't necessarily want complete happiness, for how can i know if such happiness will be anything more than a simple, fleeting thing? but, then, i suppose all things are like that...wow...the sun just came out...funny how it makes me want to laugh...and then the clouds move over it again, plunging things suddenly into the dim. hmm...i'm hungry. i think i shall go and find something to eat...oh, i've just rediscovered robert frost...i had forgotten how much i liked his poetry...my favorites, by far, are "Fire and Ice" and "Nothing Gold Can Stay..." but i do also enjoy "Atmosphere..." and the sun's out again.

Sunday post

okay...so how did my fall break go? to tell you the truth, can't really remember much. this whole week has been nothing but reading, writing, and watching movies...oh, and there's always been music in the background. saturday i read and watched movies then went to work...sunday i read and watched movies and went to work...monday i wrote, read, and watched movies, went to work, and then went to angela's house and watched heroes...tuesday i went food shopping with angela, watched movies, and then went to see Elizabeth...wednesday, i read and watched movies, went home, read and watched movies...thursday, i wrote, read, and went to work...friday i read, watched movies, and read some more...yesterday i read and wrote (a lot!), and watched Mists of Avalon (good movie, there! and book, too!), then went to work...and watched that episode of Avatar: the Last Airbender I missed...and today has been devoted entirely to manga and to writing more of my fanfic. later I shall go to work. my life is a study of monotony...with wonderful kidnappings by angela every other week or so...it's a bit sad, really, but I don't mind. i mean, really. if you notice, reading, writing, and watching movies is just a giant escape. technically, i have had the most exciting week ever. i get to talk with ancient greeks and celts, meet merlin, travel to avalon, have fun on the beach with Fire Nation friends, hang out with werewolves, and basically go wherever I want. whenever i want, too. And when i surface, I can sit and watch the sunlight dance on my desk, or the moon shine becomingly in the night sky. I can watch cardinals hop around in trees and listen to birds sing. And I can smile as shadow leaves shift and sway on the curtains. All this seen from the haven of my little gray box, seemingly more boring than any other...but then you look inside and the walls are murals with a thousand changing scenes. It's nice.
So, my fall break was uneventful (though angela and i went to search out halloween stuff, which was fun!), and I'm eager to get back to school. But i'm glad i got some rest, even if my imagination wouldn't sleep.

Gasp! is it true?????

apparently, yes. Apparently the rumors (and speculative fanfics) are right: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is gay. Yep, it's undoubtedly true, as J.K. Rowling herself admitted before a full house at Carnegie Hall. And Dumbledore's secret crush was none other than his friend and foe Gellert Grindelwald (hehehe...his name sounds like Grendel...Grendel chomp chomp, Grendel chomp chomp...)! Ah, perhaps this will finally put an end to all of the Dumbledore-McGonagall fanfics out there (probably not, there will be one or two really crappy ones where Dumbledore realizes he's only been fooling himself and was really in love with McGonagall the whole time...). Well, Jo's announcement was met with applause and cheers. And the out comes after Jo's recent declaration that she regards her books as a "prolonged argument for tolerance" and wants her fans to "question authority." So wow. The thought that Dumbledore was gay never really crossed my mind. But now, even more than before, I believe that Sir Ian McKellan should have taken over when the first Dumbledore passed away. I mean, my parents already get Dumbledore and Gandalf confused. And I think McKellan would be a bit truer to my depiction of Dumbledore anyway, especially since Dumbledore always sort of reflected Gandalf. Anyway, this announcement is cool. A bit shocking, yes, but cool nonetheless. Well, i have to go...my kitty looks so cute, i just have to go and pet her...

no title here today

my mom woke me up at 7:00 this morning. She was about to have a panic attack, or I might have gotten mad. But she woke me up because two of my dogs attacked our barn cat. You see, we have four big dogs we keep inside the house with us. We let them out into their little fenced-in part of our yard all the time and whatnot. And these dogs really are big. Our oldest dog, Bruno, is half rottweiler, half Australian shepherd. He's big, he's lumbering, he's fluffy and thinks he's only 12 pounds instead of 130. Our next biggest dog, Greta, is a lab. A fat lab. A fat lab who likes nothing more than wiggling around until we give her another dog biscuit. Then there are our two smallest dogs, each over 50 pounds. The first, Puppy, is a lab-terrier-border collie mix who used to be really, really hyper but now just sort of lays around all day looking pretty. The last, Maggie, is part boxer, part chow and surprisingly pretty; her tongue is splotched with black. So those are my dogs, spoiled rotten to the bone. Outside our house, we have various other animals. We have geese, we have a cat (or cats, we think), field mice, an oppossum, random pretty birds, cows, and rabbits. Now my cat, Kissandra, is a pretty little tabby with lovely tawny eyes. The nicest thing ever, if a bit skittish. She loves nothing more than to jump the fence and go into my dogs' yard so that she can sleep in the shed right beside our house. I've always disliked that and I've always disliked the fact that my parents decided our dogs should have a yard that encircles that shed. Well, anyway, Maggie and Greta attacked poor Kissandra this morning. Luckily, my mom was able to get them away and into the house. But she woke me up and I went out, got Kissandra, and told my mom to close off our sunroom. She did and I brought Kissandra inside and now I'm just watching her to make sure she's all right. While my mom cries and goes back and forth from the sunroom and the rest of the house, blaming herself about the whole thing. Really, it's not her fault our dogs finally decided they were actually going to do something other than sleep.
I'm still more shocked about them actually getting up the energy to run after Kissandra than about Kissandra getting hurt. Luckily, however, Kissandra's not bleeding. I don't know if she's really okay, but we're going to wait a little while before taking her to the vet. She just seems to be a little woozy right now. I hope she's all right.
All right, so now that I'm trappd in here on kitty-watch, I might as well use my time to my advantage and watch some anime or work on some of my stories and such...maybe some monty python...

Ack!

Boredom. It is only the first day of Fall Break and already I am bored out of my mind. I'm stuck at home and so confused as to what I want to do. And not a new book in sight! But, luckily, out of boredom comes great inspiration. Over the course of the last two days, I've had no fewer than five ideas for various stories. And I'm feeling good about that hundred-and-thirty page monstrosity that's been waiting on file. I think I can finally get past that one character...but I'll have to sit and stew for a bit longer. I should probably get cracking on rewriting the story I keep promising myself I'll rewrite. Nothing big, mind you, just some things I need to edit and such...but I really don't want to. I finished the story, it's over, no more work needed. except it needs to be edited. grrrrrr...Well, I have a week to play around with...and then I have to read Kriegy's essays. that's not too bad; I've already read a couple. The Darwin thing and the Communist Manifesto were surprisingly good reads...But what to do in the meantime, when my brain is all jumbled up with multiple storylines? hmmm...I'm so very bored...perhaps I shall go eat something...ramen, maybe...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to start a story? well, for me, I mean. First, i get a sense of a character. And then their story slowly unfolds. But do I just pick a random name and start writing? No! I have to go into lengthy detail about the smallest things which have hardly any relevance to anything besides my own peace of mind...and the name? it has to actually mean something to me. The name must suit the character somewhat. All that insanity is why I was up until five this morning, scribbling in some random notebook...with hardly any of my latest story written out. Because my little background had to be completed before I could write past the first couple of pages.
I'm excited about the Pathways contest. Did you know that I've won third place in the prose contest since my freshman year? yep, random little fact. I hope I get third place this year (no aiming for the top for me!)...it will complete my highschool acomplishments (not counting, of course, the biggest accomplishment of all: graduation). You know, not many people have entered anything into the Pathways contest. It's sad. Now, ready yourself for blatant advertising...
The Pathways Contest is once again being held and the deadline is almost up! If you have any poems, songs, artwork, or prose (stories, essays, etc.), then submit them to Pathways! You might just win some extra cash. Not only that, but all winners will be published in the Pathways Literary Magazine of 2008!!! and if your work shows up, you get a free copy!!!!! So please, please submit your works to Mrs. Durbin in the Library!
All right. My blatant advertising is now over. You can breathe a sigh of relief...
...well, that took up a couple of minutes...now, to tackle the rest of the day...

so what happens now?

Reading about the Katrina essays yesterday made me wonder; what would I decide if I had to make a decision regarding the rebuilding of New Orleans? And I must say that I am not entirely certain I would be capable of giving a clear and decisive answer. After all, I am quite divided on the issue. For the most part, I say yes, rebuild. All that history, all that color, cannot go to waster. Besides, some of my favorite vampire novels take place in New Orleans and what shall happen if New Orleans is left in ruins. Poor, sorrowful Lestat. and Nick will never forgive Acheron, not in a million years. I can almost see it, that idealistic, wonderful version of New Orleans, where even the ghost seem to be flesh and blood. And I want that rebuilt. I want to see it. There is, however, another side of me entirely, which believes that we shouldn't mess with such ruin. Though some might not think it, there is a slight beauty to the destruction of a great city, despite what filth remains when the water recedes. If, for a moment, you step away from the reality, if only for a moment, you can almost see the macabre frailty of a city which once thrived. Yes, the ground is discolored with moss and mold, yes there is a sodden house, its once white facade grey and cracking. But there might also be a silent tree, twisted and bare, which no longer whispers in the breeze. And there is a sad beauty in that. But once the picture fades, you are left with reality: the sea swept through New Orleans and revealed what lay beneath the vibrant surface.
Is it really worth rebuilding? Can we truly hope to harness the power of nature? We thought we had when the levees were built and, yet, they created more problems than they helped. By building levees, we raised the river. Silt collected and built up the land beneath the water. The river grew and yet the surrounding land did not. Yes, we can build levees which we believe will never break, but what point is there to that? The river has cut a path through America for far longer than we have lived. The delta shifts and moves with every year in a cycle as old as the earth. Do we truly believe that we are in the right to disturb such a pattern?
So New Orleans might be rebuilt. But whatever glory it might reestablish, whatever mask it might don, it can no longer hide its face. We have seen the dregs; everything has been laid bare. Even if we rebuild, will it ever recover its former facade?
I hope New Orleans is rebuilt. And, then again, I hope it's not. For the sake of those who will not move on, I hope the home they remember returns. But, by rebuilding, will we not be inviting the inevitable?

sorry for going into such a long spiel. Like I said, I'm torn on the issue, but I'm leaning a bit more towards just letting whoever have their way. Like I said, I'd hate to have to make such a decision.

do-re-mi...

all right. yesterday,we were supposed to find out who got which solos. well, there were a couple of ties, one of which was for "Think of Me," the solo I tried out for. well, it was a tie between Hannah and I, so the chorus had to vote again (during which one girl behind me asked, "who's stephanie" and then grew horribly embarrassed that i was right in front of her). i surprised myself by being totally and completely calm during the entire process (mainly because i didn't have to sing a second audition). and cov said we'd find out the results on Tuesday. Well, today is tuesday.
So, i walk into the chorus room this morning, put down my thin, and then turn to sign in. I glance at the board and guess what i see? the results for the solos! and do you know who got the "Think of Me" solo? yep. that's right. Hannah. Okay, not really. I got the solo. which makes me both happy and terrified. I'm one of those people that secretly feel guilty when they mess up and I'm not certain I'd be able to handle it if i messed up the solo during the concert. It would be embarrassing, certainly, but I'd make the chorus look bad. that thought just makes me quake in my shoes. but! i can do this...hopefully. I mean, it's the shortest solo in the whole concert (which is why it seemed so appealing to me at the time of the try-outs).
Well, despite my mixed emotions, I'm having a fairly good day...well, so far at least. Let's hope it stays that way, hmm? all right. Sadly, I must go. dakara koso sayonara nanda

don't worry; the sky should stop falling by tuesday...

college. that big, looming goal which everyone is looking towards but not necessarily looking forward to. you know, i had this dream last night...it had to do with college. i was walking down the hall in the elementary school in Pennsylvania I used to go to (ringing rocks elementary) with my books in hand, just randomly, as if it was normal for me to go to highschool in an elementary school far, far away. well, i was walking down the hall and everyone around me (apparently, i had moved the whole of our high school into this teeny elementary school)was freaking out. Some were pulling their hair, others were banging their heads up against the wall, muttering about how they didn't like that flower right next to chapel on their prospective college campus...stuff like that. and here i was, just humming a happy tune, looking for my next class. i think that's indicative of something...do i not worry enough?
i'm pretty laid back, i think. i mean, everyone's all worried about their majors and their colleges and everything, and i'm just off in lala land, thinking that i shouldn't let that one character sneak into my story even though they're a great character (sorry, but you just sort of put the story on hold and throw everything into chaos, palladia!) yes, i worry, but not as much as everyone else, i think. and maybe that's bad. worrying can be quite healthy sometimes. i mean, it makes people get right on things instead of horribly procrastinating.
while college, for some, is beginning to take on the shape of this giant, monstrous fortress, where everything is dark, gloomy, and overwhelming, i'm walking along, ignoring it all. the onyl thing on my mind is tuition, and even that's a vague sort of worry, really. still, i can work myself into a state if i really want to. i have a horribly defeatist attitude. *sigh* i'm one of those people who don't care to notice things until they're right on top of me...or i've been in the same place for a few months. one day i look around and say, "hey! this is odd. oh, look...the tiles are different than in the other hallway..." and go right back to floating around...change doesn't necessarily bother me.
and yet, in the middle of the night, poor, horrid defeatist stephanie crawls out and takes my place, muttering gloom and doom tales about the failure in life ahead. she goes and mutters to anyone who'll listen. thank god my mom has an equally defeatist attitude (towards me) and gets me angry enough to snap out of the glum attitude. she does it on purpose.
oh! yesterday i watched My Neighbor Totoro. i forgot how much i love that movie. i haven't really seen it since i was seven...that was the last time i was ever able to watch it because my brothers ruined my second copy of the movie...but, anyway...miyazaki is so cool. i love his films. they're hard to make sense of sometimes, but really great. Oh, I also watched Princess Mononoke, which i had never seen before, further establishing my love for all things hayao miyazaki. he made one of my favorite movies ever--Howl's Moving Castle--which just so happened to be a wonderful book beforehand. He introduced me to such wonderful characters as Totoro, Calcifer, Beep-boop, Haku, No-Face, Ashitaka, Howl, and, of course, Turnip Head.
well, i must go now...i'm off to investigate more manga...perhaps Ouran High School Host Club has been updated, though, with the way thigns are going, Naruto will end before I get to read another chapter of the Host Club...sad, really. What will I do? i've finished death note and fruits basket...*sniff* the manga must go on!
well, i'd say that's enough randomness for today. i shall be off. so long!

to continue...

i got a new computer!!!!! yay!!!!!! it's brand new and it was uber expensive (not really. it was like $400 or something like that...my mom finally got the money from the electric company!!!!). we also got a new stereo, which has speakers that light up blue!!!! so cool. anyway...since my people are out bowling, i'm stuck trying to install all of the programs and stuff and right now, my computer is not wanting to install my printer...what is up with that? really, seriously. the printer's only like a couple months old. well, no more complaints. i really like this computer, even though it has windows vista, which is sorta weird. but! it's all good. well, welcome back online stephanie...and writer stephanie (i have been absolutely dying because i haven't been able to post any new chapters on my fanfics!). so, wish me luck with my printer!

Singing Update (no actual singing involved)

okay...we had our solo tryouts this morning...mine went...okay...well, i got up there (because we have to sing in front of the whole class) and Erika Bunpumkoon (?) went before me. and she was nervous, which made me nervous. i was shaking really, really bad. then it was my turn. so i started singing....i did fairly well...until i forgot how to breathe. right in the middle of the solo, i was suddenly like, "oh my god. i just forgot how to breathe!" so i faded out on a part but managed to finish. that was good. so, needless to say, i probably didn't get the solo, but that's all right. it wasn't a life-altering, live-or-die sort of thing. i'll get over it. luckily for everyone else, only one other person freaked out. poor ashley loyd. she got so nervous and panicky. i think she was having a panic attack, but she went up to sing, and that was good. she managed to get out a few notes before turning red and stopping. i hope she's all right. really, she puts too much pressure on herself, i think.
so my morning was so-so. luckily, though, i got to eat a brownie right after my solo, so i'm good. all hail the wonderful ability of chocolate to make me giddy enough to forget mortifying mistakes like forgetting how to breathe! chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!!!!!!!!! all right, enough of that. let's move on to my trip to the book nook. i got my three books. and angela got a giant stack of music. yep. jeff (white-haired guy at the book nook) gave Angela the music dorothy (jeff's wife who is a professor at North Georgia Tech) promised she'd give her. so, all in all, it was a good little shopping trip there. worth the wait.
all right. lunch is soon so i have to go...

The cloud moves and starlight shines through the curtains

okay...after a whole entire night of babying my throat, i am able to sing today...though if someone looked at my throat, they would probably want to rush me to the doctor's. it's okay, though...i'm rather used to it...you know, i don't think my throat has stopped hurting (besides a week or two of shining moments in which my lungs overshadow my throat) in the last four years...well, that's rather dramamtic. no, actually, it's not constant, just off and on. i get a lot of sinus infections and i get a lot of colds because my immune system isn't up to par. or i don't eat correctly (according to my parents who think that lots of meat fat and weird food combinations are the way to go...in actuality, i eat better than they do...more fruits and vegetables and less meat, meat, meat!) anyway...first it was my toncils, which my rather inept doctor (i stopped going to that one a while ago) insisted there was nothing wrong. and then my sinuses and toncils. and then i got my toncils taken out and now it's just my sinuses. hopefully that'll go away soon. but, really, it's all just allergy stuff. and i'm not surprised. i mean, i have no less than four dogs, a cat, a mouse, and several bunnies roaming around my yard and house and whatnot. and smoke. smoke is there as well...and my brothers are obsessed with those horrid body sprays which have warning labels about people with asthma. so...in a year or two, i'll leave and have clean air!!!! yay!!!!!
so what did i do to help my poor throat? i drank three cups of tea, a cup of hot chocolate, milk (which i'm not really supposed to drink because it messes with my sinuses...causing too much drainage or something), and some soup. i also ate m&m's, and had a LOT of cough drops. and...voila! i can sing!!!!!! good thing, too, because tryouts for solos are tomorrow and i'm hoping to get that one, teeny tiny one smack dab in the middle of phantom.
there are other bright spots. today (possibly), i'll go to the book nook and buy 3 (count them...THREE) books (to make up for september) and read them all!!!!! how wonderful is that? i'm also in a strangely good mood today...and i was in a strangely good mood last night...i suspect it shall last until tomorrow...but not exactly die because Writer's club is tomorrow!!! eeeek!!!!! okay. that's out...but not really because i'm still thinking about last night's episode of heroes...wonderful show...ahhh! but i can't watch house or bones tonight...sad. well, farewell!!!!! i shall see you all in ten minutes (give or take).

luck is for beginners...

okay...i know i haven't written in a while and there's a reason for that. my mom got another computer to replace the one that burst into flames and guess what? that one just kicked the bucket. won't even go past the startup page. so i have no computer. again. and i have to wait another couple of weeks before i can get another computer. sucks, huh? not to mention this weirdie throat thing. this weekend, it seemed as if i was getting over it, but then i woke up this morning and now my throat hurts worse than before...only now i can actually talk...which makes it hurt more. wonderful, isn't it? and i can't go to the doctor because my insurance is all messed up and my mom has "no time" to get it straightened out. yeah, right. she quit her job a couple of months ago and does nothing but sit at home all day and she doesn't have time? either that or she just says, "sorry, honey, i completely forgot about it." and i don't even have any of my regular medicines, either, so naturally i'm going to be sicker than normal. ok. my medicines are, like, uber expensive. just one--one, mind you--costs a hundred and fifty bucks. a month. so, needless to say, i feel miserable all the time. but, really, that's okay. the only thing i'm really worried about right now is whether or not i'll be able to sing. people really don't think of me as a singer, but i sing all the time. and it's really, really horrible that i haven't been able to sing anything in the past couple of weeks. so right now, i'm focused on that. well, anyway, i've talked enough. goodbye!