on why i went to the woods...

okay, so i was at work, making a pizza, when this little poem popped into my head...it's not really good, just a sort of random thing...still...enjoy!

Oh, Thoreau, what did you do
out in the woods all alone?
"I sat and thought of things unseen,
"of God and men and earth and trees."
Good Thoreau, my dearest friend,
what happens in the night and rain?
"I cannot tell you that, young dear,
"for 'tis to each his own out here."
Still, I do but ask in all respect:
why did you go into the woods?
"That, young child, is for you to find
as you search in the Wood."

i thought it was a funny little thing, so here it is! yeah, that was all I really wanted to post about...

time for words from a rambling mind...

i was sitting in my room when this came to me...and i just had to write it down...it's sort of meaningless, but i'll put it here anyway...

Science has caught up with belief, I think. Instead of disproving the existence of God, or of some higher being, it has, instead, only given reasons to strengthen such belief. Science tells of atoms, which are, in themselves, created of the same components. We believe these tiny components hide behind no covering or skin, merely generate their own fields with which they use to keep themselves independent of the others. And yet, thinking in such a way, could one not assume that everything, then, is connected? That, despite our skins, the only things separating ourselves from the very around us are minuscule fields generated by the rotation of things so tiny we cannot ever hope to see? We believe they exist, we assume. And yet, even this basis in science is, itself, merely a belief, a blind faith of the inner workings of the universe. I myself cannot profess to understand the mysteries of either science or religion, and yet I know there lies a connection between the two. In this post-modern world, we can reconcile the two. And, yet, do we truly understand? Can we stop for a moment and ponder the enormity of what we follow? Still, should we have to? Blind faith should be simply that: blind. And yet we, as humans, question everything daily. We question the existence of the world, of the universe, of God. We believe something on faith, believing because we were told. And yet when science brings forth belief of another thing, we reject it, unwilling to open our minds to the possibility. Stubbornness, too, can rise just as surely as faith. We wish to keep science separate from belief, and belief separate from science. And yet both depend on the other. So why can we not accept things as they are? But perhaps, somehow, we do. Our faiths slowly changed, evolved, to cope with the wonders of the modern world. As our understandings of the world grew, so did our acceptance of those wonders. Science works on a series of steps and theories, yet proves nothing. A leap of faith is needed to accept what we believed was impossible. And is not religion based on the same leap? Science peels back the layers surrounding old mysteries, even as religion draws a veil over them. Two such warring actions can never come together. And yet they can, if only one believes.

so we walk alone on our paths, wondering if the road is just a road...

self-centered and horrid, two words which, at this moment, i might use to describe myself...but only facets...and this mysterious accusation is irrelevant in any case. Not only do they stem from two different conversations, they really have nothing to do with each other...in the mean time, i must express my deep and sincere regret that i didn't pay more attention to the sky today. Normally, on cloudy days such as this, my attention is captured by the contrast of the stone-gray clouds against the dark mountains, or how sometimes, if you look at just the right moment, mist rises from those dark forms and bleeds into the sky, the color of damp, ruinous stones...i want to be in a smaller house. odd thought, seeing as my house is small anyway...but i mean, when i debut into the real world, almost completely independent from the previous generation, i want a smaller house. i like warm things. i want a tiny house with one room and a teeny living room and a cramped kitchen. i want to smile at every single corner, with yellow rooms and wooden rooms and windows with curtains i can fling back just as the sun is rising...i want to be content. I don't necessarily want complete happiness, for how can i know if such happiness will be anything more than a simple, fleeting thing? but, then, i suppose all things are like that...wow...the sun just came out...funny how it makes me want to laugh...and then the clouds move over it again, plunging things suddenly into the dim. hmm...i'm hungry. i think i shall go and find something to eat...oh, i've just rediscovered robert frost...i had forgotten how much i liked his poetry...my favorites, by far, are "Fire and Ice" and "Nothing Gold Can Stay..." but i do also enjoy "Atmosphere..." and the sun's out again.

Sunday post

okay...so how did my fall break go? to tell you the truth, can't really remember much. this whole week has been nothing but reading, writing, and watching movies...oh, and there's always been music in the background. saturday i read and watched movies then went to work...sunday i read and watched movies and went to work...monday i wrote, read, and watched movies, went to work, and then went to angela's house and watched heroes...tuesday i went food shopping with angela, watched movies, and then went to see Elizabeth...wednesday, i read and watched movies, went home, read and watched movies...thursday, i wrote, read, and went to work...friday i read, watched movies, and read some more...yesterday i read and wrote (a lot!), and watched Mists of Avalon (good movie, there! and book, too!), then went to work...and watched that episode of Avatar: the Last Airbender I missed...and today has been devoted entirely to manga and to writing more of my fanfic. later I shall go to work. my life is a study of monotony...with wonderful kidnappings by angela every other week or so...it's a bit sad, really, but I don't mind. i mean, really. if you notice, reading, writing, and watching movies is just a giant escape. technically, i have had the most exciting week ever. i get to talk with ancient greeks and celts, meet merlin, travel to avalon, have fun on the beach with Fire Nation friends, hang out with werewolves, and basically go wherever I want. whenever i want, too. And when i surface, I can sit and watch the sunlight dance on my desk, or the moon shine becomingly in the night sky. I can watch cardinals hop around in trees and listen to birds sing. And I can smile as shadow leaves shift and sway on the curtains. All this seen from the haven of my little gray box, seemingly more boring than any other...but then you look inside and the walls are murals with a thousand changing scenes. It's nice.
So, my fall break was uneventful (though angela and i went to search out halloween stuff, which was fun!), and I'm eager to get back to school. But i'm glad i got some rest, even if my imagination wouldn't sleep.

Gasp! is it true?????

apparently, yes. Apparently the rumors (and speculative fanfics) are right: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is gay. Yep, it's undoubtedly true, as J.K. Rowling herself admitted before a full house at Carnegie Hall. And Dumbledore's secret crush was none other than his friend and foe Gellert Grindelwald (hehehe...his name sounds like Grendel...Grendel chomp chomp, Grendel chomp chomp...)! Ah, perhaps this will finally put an end to all of the Dumbledore-McGonagall fanfics out there (probably not, there will be one or two really crappy ones where Dumbledore realizes he's only been fooling himself and was really in love with McGonagall the whole time...). Well, Jo's announcement was met with applause and cheers. And the out comes after Jo's recent declaration that she regards her books as a "prolonged argument for tolerance" and wants her fans to "question authority." So wow. The thought that Dumbledore was gay never really crossed my mind. But now, even more than before, I believe that Sir Ian McKellan should have taken over when the first Dumbledore passed away. I mean, my parents already get Dumbledore and Gandalf confused. And I think McKellan would be a bit truer to my depiction of Dumbledore anyway, especially since Dumbledore always sort of reflected Gandalf. Anyway, this announcement is cool. A bit shocking, yes, but cool nonetheless. Well, i have to go...my kitty looks so cute, i just have to go and pet her...

no title here today

my mom woke me up at 7:00 this morning. She was about to have a panic attack, or I might have gotten mad. But she woke me up because two of my dogs attacked our barn cat. You see, we have four big dogs we keep inside the house with us. We let them out into their little fenced-in part of our yard all the time and whatnot. And these dogs really are big. Our oldest dog, Bruno, is half rottweiler, half Australian shepherd. He's big, he's lumbering, he's fluffy and thinks he's only 12 pounds instead of 130. Our next biggest dog, Greta, is a lab. A fat lab. A fat lab who likes nothing more than wiggling around until we give her another dog biscuit. Then there are our two smallest dogs, each over 50 pounds. The first, Puppy, is a lab-terrier-border collie mix who used to be really, really hyper but now just sort of lays around all day looking pretty. The last, Maggie, is part boxer, part chow and surprisingly pretty; her tongue is splotched with black. So those are my dogs, spoiled rotten to the bone. Outside our house, we have various other animals. We have geese, we have a cat (or cats, we think), field mice, an oppossum, random pretty birds, cows, and rabbits. Now my cat, Kissandra, is a pretty little tabby with lovely tawny eyes. The nicest thing ever, if a bit skittish. She loves nothing more than to jump the fence and go into my dogs' yard so that she can sleep in the shed right beside our house. I've always disliked that and I've always disliked the fact that my parents decided our dogs should have a yard that encircles that shed. Well, anyway, Maggie and Greta attacked poor Kissandra this morning. Luckily, my mom was able to get them away and into the house. But she woke me up and I went out, got Kissandra, and told my mom to close off our sunroom. She did and I brought Kissandra inside and now I'm just watching her to make sure she's all right. While my mom cries and goes back and forth from the sunroom and the rest of the house, blaming herself about the whole thing. Really, it's not her fault our dogs finally decided they were actually going to do something other than sleep.
I'm still more shocked about them actually getting up the energy to run after Kissandra than about Kissandra getting hurt. Luckily, however, Kissandra's not bleeding. I don't know if she's really okay, but we're going to wait a little while before taking her to the vet. She just seems to be a little woozy right now. I hope she's all right.
All right, so now that I'm trappd in here on kitty-watch, I might as well use my time to my advantage and watch some anime or work on some of my stories and such...maybe some monty python...

Ack!

Boredom. It is only the first day of Fall Break and already I am bored out of my mind. I'm stuck at home and so confused as to what I want to do. And not a new book in sight! But, luckily, out of boredom comes great inspiration. Over the course of the last two days, I've had no fewer than five ideas for various stories. And I'm feeling good about that hundred-and-thirty page monstrosity that's been waiting on file. I think I can finally get past that one character...but I'll have to sit and stew for a bit longer. I should probably get cracking on rewriting the story I keep promising myself I'll rewrite. Nothing big, mind you, just some things I need to edit and such...but I really don't want to. I finished the story, it's over, no more work needed. except it needs to be edited. grrrrrr...Well, I have a week to play around with...and then I have to read Kriegy's essays. that's not too bad; I've already read a couple. The Darwin thing and the Communist Manifesto were surprisingly good reads...But what to do in the meantime, when my brain is all jumbled up with multiple storylines? hmmm...I'm so very bored...perhaps I shall go eat something...ramen, maybe...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to start a story? well, for me, I mean. First, i get a sense of a character. And then their story slowly unfolds. But do I just pick a random name and start writing? No! I have to go into lengthy detail about the smallest things which have hardly any relevance to anything besides my own peace of mind...and the name? it has to actually mean something to me. The name must suit the character somewhat. All that insanity is why I was up until five this morning, scribbling in some random notebook...with hardly any of my latest story written out. Because my little background had to be completed before I could write past the first couple of pages.
I'm excited about the Pathways contest. Did you know that I've won third place in the prose contest since my freshman year? yep, random little fact. I hope I get third place this year (no aiming for the top for me!)...it will complete my highschool acomplishments (not counting, of course, the biggest accomplishment of all: graduation). You know, not many people have entered anything into the Pathways contest. It's sad. Now, ready yourself for blatant advertising...
The Pathways Contest is once again being held and the deadline is almost up! If you have any poems, songs, artwork, or prose (stories, essays, etc.), then submit them to Pathways! You might just win some extra cash. Not only that, but all winners will be published in the Pathways Literary Magazine of 2008!!! and if your work shows up, you get a free copy!!!!! So please, please submit your works to Mrs. Durbin in the Library!
All right. My blatant advertising is now over. You can breathe a sigh of relief...
...well, that took up a couple of minutes...now, to tackle the rest of the day...

so what happens now?

Reading about the Katrina essays yesterday made me wonder; what would I decide if I had to make a decision regarding the rebuilding of New Orleans? And I must say that I am not entirely certain I would be capable of giving a clear and decisive answer. After all, I am quite divided on the issue. For the most part, I say yes, rebuild. All that history, all that color, cannot go to waster. Besides, some of my favorite vampire novels take place in New Orleans and what shall happen if New Orleans is left in ruins. Poor, sorrowful Lestat. and Nick will never forgive Acheron, not in a million years. I can almost see it, that idealistic, wonderful version of New Orleans, where even the ghost seem to be flesh and blood. And I want that rebuilt. I want to see it. There is, however, another side of me entirely, which believes that we shouldn't mess with such ruin. Though some might not think it, there is a slight beauty to the destruction of a great city, despite what filth remains when the water recedes. If, for a moment, you step away from the reality, if only for a moment, you can almost see the macabre frailty of a city which once thrived. Yes, the ground is discolored with moss and mold, yes there is a sodden house, its once white facade grey and cracking. But there might also be a silent tree, twisted and bare, which no longer whispers in the breeze. And there is a sad beauty in that. But once the picture fades, you are left with reality: the sea swept through New Orleans and revealed what lay beneath the vibrant surface.
Is it really worth rebuilding? Can we truly hope to harness the power of nature? We thought we had when the levees were built and, yet, they created more problems than they helped. By building levees, we raised the river. Silt collected and built up the land beneath the water. The river grew and yet the surrounding land did not. Yes, we can build levees which we believe will never break, but what point is there to that? The river has cut a path through America for far longer than we have lived. The delta shifts and moves with every year in a cycle as old as the earth. Do we truly believe that we are in the right to disturb such a pattern?
So New Orleans might be rebuilt. But whatever glory it might reestablish, whatever mask it might don, it can no longer hide its face. We have seen the dregs; everything has been laid bare. Even if we rebuild, will it ever recover its former facade?
I hope New Orleans is rebuilt. And, then again, I hope it's not. For the sake of those who will not move on, I hope the home they remember returns. But, by rebuilding, will we not be inviting the inevitable?

sorry for going into such a long spiel. Like I said, I'm torn on the issue, but I'm leaning a bit more towards just letting whoever have their way. Like I said, I'd hate to have to make such a decision.

do-re-mi...

all right. yesterday,we were supposed to find out who got which solos. well, there were a couple of ties, one of which was for "Think of Me," the solo I tried out for. well, it was a tie between Hannah and I, so the chorus had to vote again (during which one girl behind me asked, "who's stephanie" and then grew horribly embarrassed that i was right in front of her). i surprised myself by being totally and completely calm during the entire process (mainly because i didn't have to sing a second audition). and cov said we'd find out the results on Tuesday. Well, today is tuesday.
So, i walk into the chorus room this morning, put down my thin, and then turn to sign in. I glance at the board and guess what i see? the results for the solos! and do you know who got the "Think of Me" solo? yep. that's right. Hannah. Okay, not really. I got the solo. which makes me both happy and terrified. I'm one of those people that secretly feel guilty when they mess up and I'm not certain I'd be able to handle it if i messed up the solo during the concert. It would be embarrassing, certainly, but I'd make the chorus look bad. that thought just makes me quake in my shoes. but! i can do this...hopefully. I mean, it's the shortest solo in the whole concert (which is why it seemed so appealing to me at the time of the try-outs).
Well, despite my mixed emotions, I'm having a fairly good day...well, so far at least. Let's hope it stays that way, hmm? all right. Sadly, I must go. dakara koso sayonara nanda

don't worry; the sky should stop falling by tuesday...

college. that big, looming goal which everyone is looking towards but not necessarily looking forward to. you know, i had this dream last night...it had to do with college. i was walking down the hall in the elementary school in Pennsylvania I used to go to (ringing rocks elementary) with my books in hand, just randomly, as if it was normal for me to go to highschool in an elementary school far, far away. well, i was walking down the hall and everyone around me (apparently, i had moved the whole of our high school into this teeny elementary school)was freaking out. Some were pulling their hair, others were banging their heads up against the wall, muttering about how they didn't like that flower right next to chapel on their prospective college campus...stuff like that. and here i was, just humming a happy tune, looking for my next class. i think that's indicative of something...do i not worry enough?
i'm pretty laid back, i think. i mean, everyone's all worried about their majors and their colleges and everything, and i'm just off in lala land, thinking that i shouldn't let that one character sneak into my story even though they're a great character (sorry, but you just sort of put the story on hold and throw everything into chaos, palladia!) yes, i worry, but not as much as everyone else, i think. and maybe that's bad. worrying can be quite healthy sometimes. i mean, it makes people get right on things instead of horribly procrastinating.
while college, for some, is beginning to take on the shape of this giant, monstrous fortress, where everything is dark, gloomy, and overwhelming, i'm walking along, ignoring it all. the onyl thing on my mind is tuition, and even that's a vague sort of worry, really. still, i can work myself into a state if i really want to. i have a horribly defeatist attitude. *sigh* i'm one of those people who don't care to notice things until they're right on top of me...or i've been in the same place for a few months. one day i look around and say, "hey! this is odd. oh, look...the tiles are different than in the other hallway..." and go right back to floating around...change doesn't necessarily bother me.
and yet, in the middle of the night, poor, horrid defeatist stephanie crawls out and takes my place, muttering gloom and doom tales about the failure in life ahead. she goes and mutters to anyone who'll listen. thank god my mom has an equally defeatist attitude (towards me) and gets me angry enough to snap out of the glum attitude. she does it on purpose.
oh! yesterday i watched My Neighbor Totoro. i forgot how much i love that movie. i haven't really seen it since i was seven...that was the last time i was ever able to watch it because my brothers ruined my second copy of the movie...but, anyway...miyazaki is so cool. i love his films. they're hard to make sense of sometimes, but really great. Oh, I also watched Princess Mononoke, which i had never seen before, further establishing my love for all things hayao miyazaki. he made one of my favorite movies ever--Howl's Moving Castle--which just so happened to be a wonderful book beforehand. He introduced me to such wonderful characters as Totoro, Calcifer, Beep-boop, Haku, No-Face, Ashitaka, Howl, and, of course, Turnip Head.
well, i must go now...i'm off to investigate more manga...perhaps Ouran High School Host Club has been updated, though, with the way thigns are going, Naruto will end before I get to read another chapter of the Host Club...sad, really. What will I do? i've finished death note and fruits basket...*sniff* the manga must go on!
well, i'd say that's enough randomness for today. i shall be off. so long!

to continue...

i got a new computer!!!!! yay!!!!!! it's brand new and it was uber expensive (not really. it was like $400 or something like that...my mom finally got the money from the electric company!!!!). we also got a new stereo, which has speakers that light up blue!!!! so cool. anyway...since my people are out bowling, i'm stuck trying to install all of the programs and stuff and right now, my computer is not wanting to install my printer...what is up with that? really, seriously. the printer's only like a couple months old. well, no more complaints. i really like this computer, even though it has windows vista, which is sorta weird. but! it's all good. well, welcome back online stephanie...and writer stephanie (i have been absolutely dying because i haven't been able to post any new chapters on my fanfics!). so, wish me luck with my printer!

Singing Update (no actual singing involved)

okay...we had our solo tryouts this morning...mine went...okay...well, i got up there (because we have to sing in front of the whole class) and Erika Bunpumkoon (?) went before me. and she was nervous, which made me nervous. i was shaking really, really bad. then it was my turn. so i started singing....i did fairly well...until i forgot how to breathe. right in the middle of the solo, i was suddenly like, "oh my god. i just forgot how to breathe!" so i faded out on a part but managed to finish. that was good. so, needless to say, i probably didn't get the solo, but that's all right. it wasn't a life-altering, live-or-die sort of thing. i'll get over it. luckily for everyone else, only one other person freaked out. poor ashley loyd. she got so nervous and panicky. i think she was having a panic attack, but she went up to sing, and that was good. she managed to get out a few notes before turning red and stopping. i hope she's all right. really, she puts too much pressure on herself, i think.
so my morning was so-so. luckily, though, i got to eat a brownie right after my solo, so i'm good. all hail the wonderful ability of chocolate to make me giddy enough to forget mortifying mistakes like forgetting how to breathe! chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!!!!!!!!! all right, enough of that. let's move on to my trip to the book nook. i got my three books. and angela got a giant stack of music. yep. jeff (white-haired guy at the book nook) gave Angela the music dorothy (jeff's wife who is a professor at North Georgia Tech) promised she'd give her. so, all in all, it was a good little shopping trip there. worth the wait.
all right. lunch is soon so i have to go...

The cloud moves and starlight shines through the curtains

okay...after a whole entire night of babying my throat, i am able to sing today...though if someone looked at my throat, they would probably want to rush me to the doctor's. it's okay, though...i'm rather used to it...you know, i don't think my throat has stopped hurting (besides a week or two of shining moments in which my lungs overshadow my throat) in the last four years...well, that's rather dramamtic. no, actually, it's not constant, just off and on. i get a lot of sinus infections and i get a lot of colds because my immune system isn't up to par. or i don't eat correctly (according to my parents who think that lots of meat fat and weird food combinations are the way to go...in actuality, i eat better than they do...more fruits and vegetables and less meat, meat, meat!) anyway...first it was my toncils, which my rather inept doctor (i stopped going to that one a while ago) insisted there was nothing wrong. and then my sinuses and toncils. and then i got my toncils taken out and now it's just my sinuses. hopefully that'll go away soon. but, really, it's all just allergy stuff. and i'm not surprised. i mean, i have no less than four dogs, a cat, a mouse, and several bunnies roaming around my yard and house and whatnot. and smoke. smoke is there as well...and my brothers are obsessed with those horrid body sprays which have warning labels about people with asthma. so...in a year or two, i'll leave and have clean air!!!! yay!!!!!
so what did i do to help my poor throat? i drank three cups of tea, a cup of hot chocolate, milk (which i'm not really supposed to drink because it messes with my sinuses...causing too much drainage or something), and some soup. i also ate m&m's, and had a LOT of cough drops. and...voila! i can sing!!!!!! good thing, too, because tryouts for solos are tomorrow and i'm hoping to get that one, teeny tiny one smack dab in the middle of phantom.
there are other bright spots. today (possibly), i'll go to the book nook and buy 3 (count them...THREE) books (to make up for september) and read them all!!!!! how wonderful is that? i'm also in a strangely good mood today...and i was in a strangely good mood last night...i suspect it shall last until tomorrow...but not exactly die because Writer's club is tomorrow!!! eeeek!!!!! okay. that's out...but not really because i'm still thinking about last night's episode of heroes...wonderful show...ahhh! but i can't watch house or bones tonight...sad. well, farewell!!!!! i shall see you all in ten minutes (give or take).

luck is for beginners...

okay...i know i haven't written in a while and there's a reason for that. my mom got another computer to replace the one that burst into flames and guess what? that one just kicked the bucket. won't even go past the startup page. so i have no computer. again. and i have to wait another couple of weeks before i can get another computer. sucks, huh? not to mention this weirdie throat thing. this weekend, it seemed as if i was getting over it, but then i woke up this morning and now my throat hurts worse than before...only now i can actually talk...which makes it hurt more. wonderful, isn't it? and i can't go to the doctor because my insurance is all messed up and my mom has "no time" to get it straightened out. yeah, right. she quit her job a couple of months ago and does nothing but sit at home all day and she doesn't have time? either that or she just says, "sorry, honey, i completely forgot about it." and i don't even have any of my regular medicines, either, so naturally i'm going to be sicker than normal. ok. my medicines are, like, uber expensive. just one--one, mind you--costs a hundred and fifty bucks. a month. so, needless to say, i feel miserable all the time. but, really, that's okay. the only thing i'm really worried about right now is whether or not i'll be able to sing. people really don't think of me as a singer, but i sing all the time. and it's really, really horrible that i haven't been able to sing anything in the past couple of weeks. so right now, i'm focused on that. well, anyway, i've talked enough. goodbye!

Tucked amidst the pages of time itself...

i hate books. not really. i only hate them because i really cannot stop buying them. i was doing pretty good this month. and then liz and a new book series just kicked the shit out of that endeavor. still, there is nothing quite so alluring as losing oneself into the vague obscurity of the written word. just the act of opening a book is akin to unwrapping the most delectable of chocolates. you sit there, fingers tingling as they brush the cover, the faint scent of book and dried ink swathing you in a shroud of anticipation. though the book barely brushes against your skin, you imagine the feel of the story within, of the headiness which can consume your mind just as readily as any drug, should you let it. No greater temptation exists than to sink yourself into the pages, to allow yourself to pool like a pond of silver in the very heart of the book you hold. The feeling is indescribable and yet i sit here, trying to form words eloquent and yet primitive enough to encompass such a marvelous sensation. the closest experience i have had to this bittersweet high is drifting to sleep on the wings of the best drug, an angel singing of lost worlds. this, i suppose, is why drugs have never, ever appealed to me. why do such a thing when i can simply peruse the collection of a book store. it's not only healthier (still debated), but cheaper. books hold within their bindings a thousand words, a thousand moving pictures of which there can be no worries, except concern for the characters within the tale. books lure, like sirens, whispering of forgotten things, of things the deepest corner of the heart surely yearns for. i lose myself willingly, as surely as any alcoholic or drug addict, to such ethereal seduction. and so i both love and hate books, for who does not secretly hate their own vices?

...uggh...i do rather go on, do i not? i find this to be a rather perfect oddity. though i never meant it to be so, this does seem a bit ostentatious. however, i do like my book rant and so i shall post it. though if anyone reaches this little note here, i shall be most surprised.
oh no. my speech has gone weirdy. i must rectify this at once...now! off to find some teen-culture references which shall surely place me in the correct state of mind to be a perfectly umitigated grammatical horror...(*the samll creature shuffles off to find afore mentioned teen-culture references. "the mask of sanity must be preserved!"*)
now...speaking of masks...i wrote this little passage for my latest story, but the imagery didn't quite fit the feel of the story, but i still like it. anway, the backstory is mainly that the main character is attending a masquerade ball which has been thrown in honor of her seinsa, her teacher/master of sorts. and she's just arrived. tell me what you think..."Her gaze traveled the familiar room, now framed by the eyes of an unfamilair face. Patrons gathered together, whispering from behind illusory smiles and glassy cheeks, shadowed eyes speculative in the dim light."
neh. it's a bit too flowery, i think...

are breakdowns spreading?

i'm not really one for emotional highs. or lows. normally, i stay the same, super-weird, bubbly, slightly violent person i am. but i almost had a breakdown friday, though it wasn't really school related, more people related (in fact, i started my calculus homework right in the middle of said breakdown). and my breakdown wasn't even that breakdown-ish. i calmly walked out of the chorus room (this was after school during drama), sat down in the hall, and played with my chapstick. before i knew it, i was on the verge of tears and so i went in and got my calculus homework. and then angela came out and we left. my breakdown ended and a slight depression settled in (puntuated with cynical and sarcastic comments directed at no one in particular). the depression lasted until the next morning when angela and i went off and had lunch, drove around, etc. i was normal stephanie again.
really, i'm not one to understand people's emotional happenings. i'm very in tune with other's emotions when they're trying to hide them, however, thus allowing me to avoid them for a time. as a person, i believe i'm rather unsympathetic and self-centered, though oddly polite. it baffles me.
while people are becoming nervous and hysterical over college and grades, i'm sitting quietly in my chair, stressing out over my m&m's not being proper and muttering that i can't write a story until i've completed its language, history, and boundaries...and map. i can't forget my map. strangely enough, i'm mostly unruffled...and strangely down at the same time. low self-esteem some would call it, but not really. i am, by no means, modest. still, i just don't worry. things work out; i know from experience. even if something horrible happens, there's always that something which will make you shrug and move on. bad memories pop up from time to time, but you accept them and go forward. there's no real point in dwelling on the past; it's happened and it can't be changed (that still doesn't keep me from wincing, however, when extremely embarassing memories pop up. and believe me, they are frequent).
i should say i'm an odd mix of self-depricating sarcasm and apathetic optimism. a cynical romantic, if you would. something bothers me, it dwells in my mind for a while and tumbles out on paper, sometimes without my realizing it. i suppose, too, that i could be more than i am, but i am content being second. i have a nice, cozy niche that i rarely leave willingly (thought, i must admit, sometimes i find myself outside, wondering how i've gotten there). but, then again, my analysis of myself could be completely wrong. i could be annoying to most people, seem to exciteable, or just deadpan. like i've said before...people have their opinions of me and i have opinions of myself. if the two match, then i guess it's true, but for the most part, i take both with a grain of salt. it's just easier that way.
but this all came about from angela's post. people do put a lot of pressure on her, myself included. but that really shouldn't be so bothersome. the thing that's hard is the pressure one puts on one's self. still, i suppose my views don't work for everyone. i mean, i tend to have a lot of time and often ruminate over such things. a bit sad, really.
well, this is where i sign off. remember: life was never solved by just picking up the coconut; you have to open it, too

Ukrainians?

I sent an e-mail to a Ukrainian student today. yes...the writer's club is participating in a pen-pal program set up by a woman in the Peace Corps. i'm so excited; i hope they reply soon. i don't exactly know who i sent the e-mail to, but i suppose i'll find out when they answer. so, in the meantime, i'll just write odd little...
OMG!!!! i was in AP this afternoon, working on a little writing project for one of the stories i'm developing (mainly i was making the language, rules of the world, history, etc., etc.) and i realized: one of these days i'm going to be one of those crazy old women who no one sees except when she dies and when people come into my house, they're going to find everything all perfect and picturesque until they get to this one room where the walls are completely filled with papers and sticky notes, with string running all around and charts hanging from the ceiling...and will all be for one book that i never actually get around to writing because i have to write down everything about the story. yeah...i have this problem that, either before or in the middle of my story, i have to write a history for its world because i can't just leave it without a history. so, normally i create a timeline and events that have happened, which normally exapnd across a great gap of time. sometimes, too, i have to write lists of the monarchs. i have to write down their full names, all their children, their spouses, etc., etc. and i have to write when they were born, how and when they died, what they did during their reign. it hardly ever ends...well, it only ends when i lose interest and start in on another story.
so anyway...i was sitting there, doing all of that stuff when i looked up (because i was listening to the Lord of the Rings thing, too) and i realized. "hey! i'm nearly as odd as tolkien." whereas angela turned around (because she heard rustling papers and me muttering to myself) and told me that i was just crazy. when i told her my whole old lady theory, she smiled and just said that she'd write my story if i died before writing it. she'd just use all my material (well, not all because i'm pretty sure a lot of it isn't necessary at all to anyone but myself). i laughed and returned to my muttering (well, after going into a lengthy tirade about the story i was going to get around to writing eventually).
well, basically, after only two days of having this story in my head, i already have a notebook full of stuff and a budding language i have to get back to. bye!

p.s. please tell me i'm not crazy

hehe...giggle!

i am in a really good mood today, but i don't know why. i just randomly wanting to start squeaking (which, horribly enough, i tend to do when i'm excited). or giggle. yes, i could definitely giggle. i'm so oddly happy even tho my day hasn't necessarily been the best ever. and now i'm bored. i'm sitting here in the library, waiting for lunch and i have absolutely no idea of what to do. so, i'll write to you ppl. of what, i cannot say. perhaps i'll simply rant on about something or other...but i'm not entirely angry at anything. i am a bit embarrassed, however, that i type so loudly. and fast. really, it sort of sounds like a machine gun going off in the silence of the library and i am quite certain that people find it disconcerting.
ooh! i'm going grocery shopping tomorrow, isn't it great? it is. i actually like grocery shopping. mainly, i'm going because my mom never gets anything that i want to eat so i figure that, if i just do it myself, i won't have to bother my mom. and she doesn't really mind. after all, she doesn't have to buy it. and, when i'm not home to yell at anyone touching my food, she and my family get to have free reign over what's in the kitchen, even though i have told them again and again not to touch my food. grr. why do they do that? if i buy something, they have to immediately open it up and take what they want. i don't necessarily order them not to have my food, but i do ask them quietly to refrain themselves. but do they listen? of course not! and they always eat all of my cookies, too!
well. now that that's out, i think i can go and get lunch now...bye!

broadway is grand...

ok. in chorus, we're singing broadwat songs. we have Phantom songs and songs from Wicked, The Music Man, Grease, and Les Miserables. We have songs such as "There's No Business Liek Show Business," "On Broadway," "Anything Goes," "Edelweiss," "Thoroughly Modern Millie," and "Why We Sing." Needless to say, i have a lot of songs running through my head and it's no wonder that i'm randomly belting out show tunes. I love singing, i really do, despite the fact that my voice is just "pretty." but i'm not really supposed to be singing. my throat is very odd. i have to have a drink with me nearly all the time, but i can't drink water (flavored water [in small sips] and ice-water being the only exceptions), milk (i can, oddly enough, drink half-and-half), and most juices. not only that, but i have a lot of difficulty singing lower than a D. because i have so many problems with my throat, i was advised not to take chorus. but i love singing, so i did anyway.
you know, we're singing a medley of Phantom of the Opera songs and there are quite a number of solos available in it. i'm thinking of trying for this one, but i'm not too sure. in fact, i'll be debating the matter for quite some time. But anyway...my favorite song, i think (besides Phantom), is "Foor Good," from Wicked.
actually, chorus is a lot harder than most people think. it's almost like being in band, but you have to learn how to properly relax your throat, how to properly articulate words, how to breathe properly, and how to pronounce things (because, believe it or not, 50+ people with southern accents just don't sound good when sound travels a while. vowels tend to get over exaggerated). and then there's the fact that there is always one person who is completely tone deaf and they always seem to sit either right behind me or to the side of me. and they think they're the best singer in the choir.
you know, the real reason i'm in chorus is for the christmas songs. i love christmas carols. my favorites are "The Coventry Carol" and "A Christmas Song;" they're just so pretty. this is also the reason why i'm only in chorus for the first semester. i can barely tolerate most of the spring music.
you know, on most days, i have up to three songs playing in my head but it seems that, in chorus, they're always at least five. which gets very confusing, by the way. luckily, to preserve my sanity, one song normally plays over the others and i hum it to myself every now and then (the only bad thing is that i'm normally stuck with some odd little nursery rhyme like "Ring Around the Rosie" or "Ba Ba Black Sheep" in my head during tests). And then there are the stories and poems just sitting there, brewing in the back of my mind. Needless to say, my brain is hardly ever quiet (or seems to function correctly).
well, enough. i must move on...

err...jellybeans?

you know, i'm oddly obsessive about food. i love food. food is grand. during the summer, i eat almost constantly. and i am one of those lucky people who hardly gain any weight. but about my food obsession. normally, a random food simply pops into my head, regardless of whether i want to eat it or not, and then begins to run around my brain 24/7.over the summer, it was applesauce. after about two and a half months, applesauce faded away and i was left blessedly alone. and then, just the other day, jellybeans popped into my head (mainly because i remembered the whole little song, "A,B,C,D,E,F,G...jellybeans are chasing me. one is blue and one is red, oh my god one ate my head"). i don't really like jellybeans. they are not my favorite kind of candy. they remind me too much of skittles, and i don't like those either. give me m&m's or give me cake! still, i do wonder why i just happen to become obsessive about a certain food. *sigh* oh well...guess i'll never know...
you know, my life is very bland, i think. i wake up, go to school, and come home. if i don't have to work, i usually read a book or go online and read manga, or mindlessly watch the history channel. on my weekends, i'm normally at angela's house (because my mom just randomly kicks me out. "go away for the weekend, okay stephanie?" i normally agree because i'm bored out of my wits and would rather not have to have much contact with my family). if not, then my weekends are spent holed up in my room. guess what? i'm reading books. occasionally, though, i get to work at the book nook, but only if senator zell miller is doing a book signing. sadly, that's ended until around thanksgiving, so my source of free books is gone. *sigh* and i promised myself i would obstain from buying books this month...i don't think i can make it. really, i don't.
that's it. i have no life. but it's my personal decision, i must admit. i would much rather sequester myself inmy room, reading and imagining myself in my books than go out and about to face people...that's slightly pathetic, i think, but it suits me. hopefully, i'll gather enough courage to go to college, get a nice job, and then retire early to go live in the middle of nowehere with my cats beezlebub and hecate. i think i'll have a dog, too, and name her kita. that's a pretty name. she'll be a border collie. yes...and i'll have a nice, fenced-in backyard (the wooden fences people can't really see through) which will be my lovely, wonderful garden and my front yard will be overgrown in order to discourage those who might dare to venture forth...
wow...went off ranting again. i should stop that. hmm...i smell food. must go find source...