Tucked amidst the pages of time itself...

i hate books. not really. i only hate them because i really cannot stop buying them. i was doing pretty good this month. and then liz and a new book series just kicked the shit out of that endeavor. still, there is nothing quite so alluring as losing oneself into the vague obscurity of the written word. just the act of opening a book is akin to unwrapping the most delectable of chocolates. you sit there, fingers tingling as they brush the cover, the faint scent of book and dried ink swathing you in a shroud of anticipation. though the book barely brushes against your skin, you imagine the feel of the story within, of the headiness which can consume your mind just as readily as any drug, should you let it. No greater temptation exists than to sink yourself into the pages, to allow yourself to pool like a pond of silver in the very heart of the book you hold. The feeling is indescribable and yet i sit here, trying to form words eloquent and yet primitive enough to encompass such a marvelous sensation. the closest experience i have had to this bittersweet high is drifting to sleep on the wings of the best drug, an angel singing of lost worlds. this, i suppose, is why drugs have never, ever appealed to me. why do such a thing when i can simply peruse the collection of a book store. it's not only healthier (still debated), but cheaper. books hold within their bindings a thousand words, a thousand moving pictures of which there can be no worries, except concern for the characters within the tale. books lure, like sirens, whispering of forgotten things, of things the deepest corner of the heart surely yearns for. i lose myself willingly, as surely as any alcoholic or drug addict, to such ethereal seduction. and so i both love and hate books, for who does not secretly hate their own vices?

...uggh...i do rather go on, do i not? i find this to be a rather perfect oddity. though i never meant it to be so, this does seem a bit ostentatious. however, i do like my book rant and so i shall post it. though if anyone reaches this little note here, i shall be most surprised.
oh no. my speech has gone weirdy. i must rectify this at once...now! off to find some teen-culture references which shall surely place me in the correct state of mind to be a perfectly umitigated grammatical horror...(*the samll creature shuffles off to find afore mentioned teen-culture references. "the mask of sanity must be preserved!"*)
now...speaking of masks...i wrote this little passage for my latest story, but the imagery didn't quite fit the feel of the story, but i still like it. anway, the backstory is mainly that the main character is attending a masquerade ball which has been thrown in honor of her seinsa, her teacher/master of sorts. and she's just arrived. tell me what you think..."Her gaze traveled the familiar room, now framed by the eyes of an unfamilair face. Patrons gathered together, whispering from behind illusory smiles and glassy cheeks, shadowed eyes speculative in the dim light."
neh. it's a bit too flowery, i think...

are breakdowns spreading?

i'm not really one for emotional highs. or lows. normally, i stay the same, super-weird, bubbly, slightly violent person i am. but i almost had a breakdown friday, though it wasn't really school related, more people related (in fact, i started my calculus homework right in the middle of said breakdown). and my breakdown wasn't even that breakdown-ish. i calmly walked out of the chorus room (this was after school during drama), sat down in the hall, and played with my chapstick. before i knew it, i was on the verge of tears and so i went in and got my calculus homework. and then angela came out and we left. my breakdown ended and a slight depression settled in (puntuated with cynical and sarcastic comments directed at no one in particular). the depression lasted until the next morning when angela and i went off and had lunch, drove around, etc. i was normal stephanie again.
really, i'm not one to understand people's emotional happenings. i'm very in tune with other's emotions when they're trying to hide them, however, thus allowing me to avoid them for a time. as a person, i believe i'm rather unsympathetic and self-centered, though oddly polite. it baffles me.
while people are becoming nervous and hysterical over college and grades, i'm sitting quietly in my chair, stressing out over my m&m's not being proper and muttering that i can't write a story until i've completed its language, history, and boundaries...and map. i can't forget my map. strangely enough, i'm mostly unruffled...and strangely down at the same time. low self-esteem some would call it, but not really. i am, by no means, modest. still, i just don't worry. things work out; i know from experience. even if something horrible happens, there's always that something which will make you shrug and move on. bad memories pop up from time to time, but you accept them and go forward. there's no real point in dwelling on the past; it's happened and it can't be changed (that still doesn't keep me from wincing, however, when extremely embarassing memories pop up. and believe me, they are frequent).
i should say i'm an odd mix of self-depricating sarcasm and apathetic optimism. a cynical romantic, if you would. something bothers me, it dwells in my mind for a while and tumbles out on paper, sometimes without my realizing it. i suppose, too, that i could be more than i am, but i am content being second. i have a nice, cozy niche that i rarely leave willingly (thought, i must admit, sometimes i find myself outside, wondering how i've gotten there). but, then again, my analysis of myself could be completely wrong. i could be annoying to most people, seem to exciteable, or just deadpan. like i've said before...people have their opinions of me and i have opinions of myself. if the two match, then i guess it's true, but for the most part, i take both with a grain of salt. it's just easier that way.
but this all came about from angela's post. people do put a lot of pressure on her, myself included. but that really shouldn't be so bothersome. the thing that's hard is the pressure one puts on one's self. still, i suppose my views don't work for everyone. i mean, i tend to have a lot of time and often ruminate over such things. a bit sad, really.
well, this is where i sign off. remember: life was never solved by just picking up the coconut; you have to open it, too

Ukrainians?

I sent an e-mail to a Ukrainian student today. yes...the writer's club is participating in a pen-pal program set up by a woman in the Peace Corps. i'm so excited; i hope they reply soon. i don't exactly know who i sent the e-mail to, but i suppose i'll find out when they answer. so, in the meantime, i'll just write odd little...
OMG!!!! i was in AP this afternoon, working on a little writing project for one of the stories i'm developing (mainly i was making the language, rules of the world, history, etc., etc.) and i realized: one of these days i'm going to be one of those crazy old women who no one sees except when she dies and when people come into my house, they're going to find everything all perfect and picturesque until they get to this one room where the walls are completely filled with papers and sticky notes, with string running all around and charts hanging from the ceiling...and will all be for one book that i never actually get around to writing because i have to write down everything about the story. yeah...i have this problem that, either before or in the middle of my story, i have to write a history for its world because i can't just leave it without a history. so, normally i create a timeline and events that have happened, which normally exapnd across a great gap of time. sometimes, too, i have to write lists of the monarchs. i have to write down their full names, all their children, their spouses, etc., etc. and i have to write when they were born, how and when they died, what they did during their reign. it hardly ever ends...well, it only ends when i lose interest and start in on another story.
so anyway...i was sitting there, doing all of that stuff when i looked up (because i was listening to the Lord of the Rings thing, too) and i realized. "hey! i'm nearly as odd as tolkien." whereas angela turned around (because she heard rustling papers and me muttering to myself) and told me that i was just crazy. when i told her my whole old lady theory, she smiled and just said that she'd write my story if i died before writing it. she'd just use all my material (well, not all because i'm pretty sure a lot of it isn't necessary at all to anyone but myself). i laughed and returned to my muttering (well, after going into a lengthy tirade about the story i was going to get around to writing eventually).
well, basically, after only two days of having this story in my head, i already have a notebook full of stuff and a budding language i have to get back to. bye!

p.s. please tell me i'm not crazy

hehe...giggle!

i am in a really good mood today, but i don't know why. i just randomly wanting to start squeaking (which, horribly enough, i tend to do when i'm excited). or giggle. yes, i could definitely giggle. i'm so oddly happy even tho my day hasn't necessarily been the best ever. and now i'm bored. i'm sitting here in the library, waiting for lunch and i have absolutely no idea of what to do. so, i'll write to you ppl. of what, i cannot say. perhaps i'll simply rant on about something or other...but i'm not entirely angry at anything. i am a bit embarrassed, however, that i type so loudly. and fast. really, it sort of sounds like a machine gun going off in the silence of the library and i am quite certain that people find it disconcerting.
ooh! i'm going grocery shopping tomorrow, isn't it great? it is. i actually like grocery shopping. mainly, i'm going because my mom never gets anything that i want to eat so i figure that, if i just do it myself, i won't have to bother my mom. and she doesn't really mind. after all, she doesn't have to buy it. and, when i'm not home to yell at anyone touching my food, she and my family get to have free reign over what's in the kitchen, even though i have told them again and again not to touch my food. grr. why do they do that? if i buy something, they have to immediately open it up and take what they want. i don't necessarily order them not to have my food, but i do ask them quietly to refrain themselves. but do they listen? of course not! and they always eat all of my cookies, too!
well. now that that's out, i think i can go and get lunch now...bye!

broadway is grand...

ok. in chorus, we're singing broadwat songs. we have Phantom songs and songs from Wicked, The Music Man, Grease, and Les Miserables. We have songs such as "There's No Business Liek Show Business," "On Broadway," "Anything Goes," "Edelweiss," "Thoroughly Modern Millie," and "Why We Sing." Needless to say, i have a lot of songs running through my head and it's no wonder that i'm randomly belting out show tunes. I love singing, i really do, despite the fact that my voice is just "pretty." but i'm not really supposed to be singing. my throat is very odd. i have to have a drink with me nearly all the time, but i can't drink water (flavored water [in small sips] and ice-water being the only exceptions), milk (i can, oddly enough, drink half-and-half), and most juices. not only that, but i have a lot of difficulty singing lower than a D. because i have so many problems with my throat, i was advised not to take chorus. but i love singing, so i did anyway.
you know, we're singing a medley of Phantom of the Opera songs and there are quite a number of solos available in it. i'm thinking of trying for this one, but i'm not too sure. in fact, i'll be debating the matter for quite some time. But anyway...my favorite song, i think (besides Phantom), is "Foor Good," from Wicked.
actually, chorus is a lot harder than most people think. it's almost like being in band, but you have to learn how to properly relax your throat, how to properly articulate words, how to breathe properly, and how to pronounce things (because, believe it or not, 50+ people with southern accents just don't sound good when sound travels a while. vowels tend to get over exaggerated). and then there's the fact that there is always one person who is completely tone deaf and they always seem to sit either right behind me or to the side of me. and they think they're the best singer in the choir.
you know, the real reason i'm in chorus is for the christmas songs. i love christmas carols. my favorites are "The Coventry Carol" and "A Christmas Song;" they're just so pretty. this is also the reason why i'm only in chorus for the first semester. i can barely tolerate most of the spring music.
you know, on most days, i have up to three songs playing in my head but it seems that, in chorus, they're always at least five. which gets very confusing, by the way. luckily, to preserve my sanity, one song normally plays over the others and i hum it to myself every now and then (the only bad thing is that i'm normally stuck with some odd little nursery rhyme like "Ring Around the Rosie" or "Ba Ba Black Sheep" in my head during tests). And then there are the stories and poems just sitting there, brewing in the back of my mind. Needless to say, my brain is hardly ever quiet (or seems to function correctly).
well, enough. i must move on...

err...jellybeans?

you know, i'm oddly obsessive about food. i love food. food is grand. during the summer, i eat almost constantly. and i am one of those lucky people who hardly gain any weight. but about my food obsession. normally, a random food simply pops into my head, regardless of whether i want to eat it or not, and then begins to run around my brain 24/7.over the summer, it was applesauce. after about two and a half months, applesauce faded away and i was left blessedly alone. and then, just the other day, jellybeans popped into my head (mainly because i remembered the whole little song, "A,B,C,D,E,F,G...jellybeans are chasing me. one is blue and one is red, oh my god one ate my head"). i don't really like jellybeans. they are not my favorite kind of candy. they remind me too much of skittles, and i don't like those either. give me m&m's or give me cake! still, i do wonder why i just happen to become obsessive about a certain food. *sigh* oh well...guess i'll never know...
you know, my life is very bland, i think. i wake up, go to school, and come home. if i don't have to work, i usually read a book or go online and read manga, or mindlessly watch the history channel. on my weekends, i'm normally at angela's house (because my mom just randomly kicks me out. "go away for the weekend, okay stephanie?" i normally agree because i'm bored out of my wits and would rather not have to have much contact with my family). if not, then my weekends are spent holed up in my room. guess what? i'm reading books. occasionally, though, i get to work at the book nook, but only if senator zell miller is doing a book signing. sadly, that's ended until around thanksgiving, so my source of free books is gone. *sigh* and i promised myself i would obstain from buying books this month...i don't think i can make it. really, i don't.
that's it. i have no life. but it's my personal decision, i must admit. i would much rather sequester myself inmy room, reading and imagining myself in my books than go out and about to face people...that's slightly pathetic, i think, but it suits me. hopefully, i'll gather enough courage to go to college, get a nice job, and then retire early to go live in the middle of nowehere with my cats beezlebub and hecate. i think i'll have a dog, too, and name her kita. that's a pretty name. she'll be a border collie. yes...and i'll have a nice, fenced-in backyard (the wooden fences people can't really see through) which will be my lovely, wonderful garden and my front yard will be overgrown in order to discourage those who might dare to venture forth...
wow...went off ranting again. i should stop that. hmm...i smell food. must go find source...

hmmm...

it is something to ponder, i think. titles, i mean. if i hadn't been fretting about my essay (or its title), i wouldn't have been thinking of titles at all. but that's neither here nor there. right now, i simply want to point out titles. can the titles of blog posts help to determine the personality of those who write them? i mean, kriegy's posts all have some odd yet profound title while dakota's all sound like the titles of unusual songs or poems. angela's are simply bred from her thoughts. and mine...well, mine are simply sounds. random sounds i sometimes randomly spit out when bored. such as blarg. halfway between blah and arghh, it's a perfect combination of both frustration and abject boredom. or ni!, an alusion to Monty Python, which will squeak out when angela is poking me. and then there's others such as tra-la-la or hmmm or even eeek. all in all, i wonder what that would say about my personality. perhaps it means that my whole life is boring yet full of randomness. that is possible. but is it probable? about as probable as my innerself replaying potter puppet pals or reciting whole lines from pirates of the caribbean (which means pretty likely).
oh! i was eating lunch today and staring down at the corn on my purple tray when i looked up and asked, "why don't we have yellow trays?" beth adams looked up and gave a small look of confusion and i thus decided to reiterate. "our school colors are purple and gold and we have purple trays. so why don't we have yellow, too?" then, without allowing anyone else to say anything, i promptly answered myself. "i guess it's because there aren't hat many purple foods we could put on our trays to complete the 'school colors' scheme. i mean, corn and pineapple are very easy to come by, are they not?" and that was the end of that.
well, anyway. this is the end of my pondering. you must tune in later, i suppose, to learn anything else...addio!

eeek!

it's been about three weeks since i found out my forty-something aunt is pregnant (the announcement came not even a month after her wedding...which had been an on-again, off-again affair for three years). and i still can't believe it. on the one hand, i'm very excited...and on the other i'm worried. my aunt has always wanted a little baby girl, and i'm glad she's pregnant, but she's like forty-two and has had tons of problems with cysts on her ovaries and stuff, too. well, anyway...aunt laura's about three months pregnant and she's already gone to the doctor to have tests done. the baby's a girl and seems perfectly healthy, if not a bit small, so that's a relief. still, my aunt's going to have a hard time of things. miss morgan-and-stanley will probably become a stay-at-home mom, helping my grandmother run things at the local republican headquarters, all the while trying to deal with menoupause. i don't think my aunt realizes that she will be sixty years old when her daughter graduates high school. can you imagine that? but i'm very happy for her. my aunt's had a lot of problems over the years and she's always wanted her little girl. now she has the dream house and husband, a nice step-son, and a daughter on the way. i just hope nothing goes wrong.
now...about the excitement...i am finally getting a first cousin!!! it's so great. well, actually i already have first cousins but i don't think they count because my aunt candy's not really my aunt. i mean, my grandfather adopted her after her parents died, but she's really his niece. or something like that. so what would that make her to me? besides, i've never met her. and i haven't heard from my dad's side of the family in years.
oooh! i can't wait until my new cousin is born! i want to buy all these cute little outfits for her and send her lots of little baby presents. in fact, i was thinking of going to college in pennsylvania so that i could visit her once in a while. i want to spoil her rotten. i guess, though, that i'm acting more like an aunt, which is sorta appropriate. after all, i'm so much older than her. it makes me think of my cousins scott and greg. my earliest memories of them was when they were in their early twenties. scott had just gotten married and my cousin megan had just been born. they seemed more like my uncles than my cousins.
well, after my little cousin is born, i shall have to visit my aunt and my grandparents (my mom's side, by the way) more often.
well, i meant to expound on my inner excitement but ended up talking about my family...it's all good. guess i'll go now...

blarg

okay. so the mystery of the hotpocket has been solved and i can now eat in peace. as for some of my other questions, such as why i like quantum mechanics and hate regular mechanics, they will have to be solved at some other time. basically, right now, i'm simply bored out of my mind and, though i really, really, really want to read more death note (a highly addictive manga which i haven't been able to stop reading), i've decided that catering to such addictions can't be good for my health. now, for the most part, i've been pretty good where my addictions are concerned. i mean, i've decided that i will not go to the book nook this whole entire month...well, not to buy a book anyway. and, despite the fact that there's a couple of books that i really want to order, i haven't gone and ordered them. now, i think that's a good thing, don't you?
gosh. cody and dustin are in the little TV studio here in the library, doing some sort of karaoke thing and it's rather loud. and really country. that's okay, though. at least it's a good country song. i mean, i'm not one for country, but there are a number of songs that i find to be good. besides, cody and dustin are rather good singers. they are, after all, in chorus with me. you know, i've always wondered why there aren't more guys in chorus. after all, it's a whole entire block full of sixty girls and all you really have to do for the class is learn the music. not so hard, right? but then i remember that boys are a bit touchy about participating in things they consider "girlie" that's why there are not many male cheerleaders around. you think they'd like tumbling around with girls better than tackling each other on the field, but guys are curious creatures, not that i'm discriminating against guys. girls have their quirks, too. but i'll not go into that right now. well, i shall leave you all, for the class bell is looming and i'd rather get to kriegy's class early.

tra-la-la

you know, when i first started a blog (gosh, it was on livejournal in...freshman year!), i thought it would be sort of difficult to sit there and spill out my guts to the world. but, oddly enough, it's just like talking to yourself and i do plenty of that. not out loud, of course. that would make me crazy. but i think everyone talks to themselves at least a little bit (well, now i hope so because i've just admitted i talk to myself). i mean, i guess that's what the whole thought process thingie is about (yes, i said thingie). but at least i'm not completely ADD about it. take butterflies, for instance. not the monarchs or other definable little things, but the little blue and yellow ones. you know, the ones that you always see in movies flitting around a field full of flowers in which children are giggling happily. anyway, these little butterflies flit from one flower to another. i never really see them land and stay somewhere for more than a couple minutes. though i think that might be a survival thing, considering there are birds all over the place and birds do happen to eat butterflies. oh! guess what? i got home from work last night and there was a slug on my walk, just moving along. my mom thought she stepped on it, so i had to go and get a flashlight to make sure it was okay. i mean, i would feel really, really guilty if i was party to a slug killing. and before everyone mentally goes "ewwww!", i want to say that, as long as you don't touch the slug, there's nothing disgusting about it. i mean, yes, it leaves a little slime trail but that's because the poor thing can't just go around drying out. and, believe it or not, it helps them move better, so there!
...wow. that went sort of off topic. what did i say about not being ADD? must've been lying or something...well, as long as i'm being random, i want to ask about hot pockets. what is their deal? i mean, i love them, but there's always that cold spot right in the middle so that, when you're eating, you have to rush through this little spot so you can continue eating the warm goodness of the rest of the hotpocket. but if you buy the cheaper ones, or even the lean pockets, they cook better. why is that? you'd think the more expensive ones would've solved this "cold-in-the-middle" dilema, but no. how odd.
hmm. i should probably stop now. i've got things to do, manga to read...