Woe be to Bonaparte

So, i talked to Dr. Lawrence (the new director of the honors program, and also the literary magazine person) and found out that i could do a project from the class of my choice to fill in for the other honors requirement. So of course I picked my survey of civ class...and i'm doing a paper on Napoleon Bonaparte. Yep. I'm thinking of focusing it on his military endeavors, especially his brash march into Russia. i'm really quite excited about it. oddly enough, i rather like writing essays and such. it's a fun (well, besides the MLA thing. ick). Yep. I also have term papers in my geography class and my music appreciation class. in geography, i'm probably going to do something relating to the ice age (probably possible causes of a new ice age and what would be the consequences of that). and i'm not sure what my topic is in music appreciation yet (because it's going to be about a composer, and mr. bauman has yet to tell us any hint about it...but i'm waiting).

so, i'm going to go and find some ebooks on bonaparte (because i don't want to leave my dorm room to go to the library) and start on my research. i think i might just also begin my geo. research as well (more so that i can get a general idea of my topic than anything else).

ja ne!

In absolute insanity

okay, so i've started classes. yay! finally. and i nearly gave the parsimonious scot in me a stroke by getting all of my books ($652 in total) in one day. yikes. luckily, tho, it was paid for by my scholarships and stuff (note to self: remember to light candles every year for wonderful scholarship people). Well, I've already been given a written assignment. For honors music appreciation. We had to type up this half-page comparison paper...and i went a little overboard. oh, it didn't go over a page, but i still went all out for it. three paragraphs and no be-verbs to speak of. sigh. really, i should learn to control myself. i think it's okay, though, because the honors music appreciation class works in conjunction with the honors english 101 (which i'm not in...so i have to go and speak to someone about additional projects or something). Angela and I are also on the hunt for Ms. Louisa Franklin, the woman in charge of the literary magazine here...but, she hasn't been in her posted locations, so it's hard to pin her down (incidentally, she is the one i have to talk to about those honors projects).
my schedule is rather nice. i have three classes on monday (plus a two+ hour lab to go with my science class), two class on tuesday, three on wednesday, one on thursday, and three on friday...yep. i have five classes. 16 hours. my mom was complaining that the load would be too much, but i think i can handle it...until that mental breakdown. then things could get hairy.
our dorm is nice, if lacking in any sort of color...uggh, so many white walls. luckily for us, tho, we had a giant poster of ireland we pinned up on the wall...and we got to hide the other walls with furniture...now, all we have to do is cover up the puke-beige of our built-in closets/drawers...

And she is lost in the garden of woe...

so, today i've been really...well, bored. haha. i'm almost always bored, right? well, i decided to do something about it today...so i watched a U2 concert, Hitchhiker's Guide, and Rent. I also, oddly enough, went around my house singing U2 songs and stuff from the Clash. my mom gave me her i-have-no-idea-WHERE-you-came-from look and then went about her business...funny stuff. but, right now, i'm reading manga and entertaining myself by bopping about to music only i can hear. you really should try it sometime; it's quite fun.
well, there's really nothing else to report, so i guess i'll go now...and try and come up with entry titles which don't seem so gloom-and-doom...

wow. such civility from such a boorish idiot...

uggh. i am so tired. okay. so i got shot up with steriods on tuesday so that the muscles around my ribcage would relax enough to let my rib settle back in place. yeah. the doctor had to give me the injection right over my unconforming rib (it hurt). at that point, once i got over the initial pain of having a giant needle shoved nearly to my bone, i thought everything would be honkey dory. but no. what they don't tell you is that having a bone "settle back in place" hurts. bad. but, fortunately, i've a had a little bit of emotional trauma this week, so everything's all balanced out. which is good. i wouldn't want to feel emotionally exultant with my ribs aching so much. it just wouldn't be right.
but, no. seriously. i'm fine, just really tired. i get to take aspirin if i hurt too much so i'm only ever in discomfort rather than real pain. and it really does feel as if my rib has decided to conform. so this will all be over soon. i hope. what really baffles me still, though, is how exactly it got that way in the first place. it's a real mystery.
okay, on the non-health issues...my younger brother went back to school yesterday. such a weird feeling not to have started the first day of school with him. but, you know, i got over it. i've been home sick so many times that it doesn't bother me when he's at school and i'm not. oh, but he's a senior. and hopefully he won't fail any classes this year. if he does, he won't have enough credits to graduate, poor thing. and then we'd have to explain to my grandmother why he isn't graduating. well, my mother will. and she would not be happy about that, let me assure you.
so, i move in to the dorms a week from now. i really can't wait, mainly because it's this "i'm so close it's getting annoying" waiting is just hard. still, not too eager to begin the rest of my life. a bit intimidating, i can assure you. but, things will work out. now whether it comes out bad or good has yet to be seen.

desperation lasts for only a measure

Why does the heart beat slow to those rhythms we never notice? And why does it quicken, draw our attention when we wish for time to stop? footsteps beat patiently across floors, though our paces grow restless, uneasy. where do those footsteps lead? and why can we not see their purpose? we can never know, i think, where we are meant to walk, but that abscence of knowledge still wounds, still saddens. and the heart, despite its yearnings, grows weary with every frantic, searching thought. things flicker to life from shadowy, unknown corners and we cry to soften their slow burn. we would seek to stop the endless, blazing fear that loneliness will take us. Why does the heart beat so strongly when it seems so weak? And how can we urge the nocturne which sounds in the deepest part of ourselves into a trilling, triumphant symphony? Ah, but such fanfare only makes the contrast of a longing heart sharper. What but a graceful sonata can warm us? Still, time cares little for the notes our hearts play. It listens only in fervent devotion to the endless beat of our footfalls, pacing itself to always outdistance us. For time sees all things and pulls us inexorably towards the fates we unwittingly choose. So where do we stand, heartbroken and weary? Where else but against the wind, the triumph of our lives tugging at our lips?

The thing that Haunts us

so i read breaking dawn...it was pretty good. not to mention there were a few surprising moments for me, which is quite rare in books for me these days. i won't reveal anything here, of course, but i was bouncing off the walls just reading it. i'm probably going to re-read it tonight. it was THAT good. i've only ever re-read one other book the same day i first read it (maybe two, i can't remember).
so other than that, i had a nice day. well, mostly. at least until a couple of minutes ago. "sigh." parentals, especially non-parental-parentals, can be sooooo pissy. and moody. but, whatever. not my problem. i'll just be glad to get away for a while...it will calm my constitution. hah. kind of archaic, using the word "constitution" to mean my temperament and state of mind. well, no big deal, i think. i can be archaic if i so choose.
okay. well, there was something else i wanted to mention, but i seem to have forgotten. funny, when thinking of constitutions. but, i've got books on the brain. what was it i was thinking in the car on the way home? something like books being actual things to love? i think that was it; i can't remember too much because it was this morning. but, think about it. it's so easy to have a love-affair with a book, to close off the rest of the world and just dive in, emersing yourself in the energy of the story. words dance on off-white paper, beckoning the eyes. your fingers touch the pages and--especially with a good book--your desire to turn to the next part, the next chapter, is almost a compulsion. ah, but if a book seduces, then a bibliophile surely falls willingly. you get drawn in and the very earth could drop away. little else matters beyond going forward, exploring more. ah, so funny that words carry such double meanings. one simple word, one tiny phrase, can raise the awareness, can evoke a most unlimited response from an already captive heart.
ah, but i say all those things after just having spent a good eight hours with a wonderful book. so i must say i'm a bit biased. so, i'm going to go now, and find some other type of inanimate object to rhapsodize about...

The annoyance is clear

so, my week has gone pretty well, i think. of course, i can't remember much (it went by so slowly, so quickly). now i am just waiting for a certain e-mail...and reading a new book that i got (yay!!!!!). i'm getting a new book tomorrow, too. exciting, huh? ahh...so much drama unfolds around me, you'd think i'd be affected. but, it doesn't really work that way. my life is hardly touched by things around me, mainly because i'm either not paying attention or my mind is centered on other things (mainly my own problems...does that make me vain and self-centered? if i am, then i'm too selfish to worry about it. so there). sometimes, i mainly wonder if i've buried myself so deep that people don't see me. which may or may not be a good thing.
ah, but these little things are not important. especially when humans are self-centered creatures at heart. everything everyone does (i must admit, there can be exceptions) is done in order to satisfy some feeling or want...so people hardly care about the deeper feelings of others; those deeper, shadowy emotions frighten them. or confuse them. it's much easier to look at everything from the surface. thus the basis of morality and society today. if that makes any sense.
well, look at me, babbling on when no one cares...well, i should go...bye!

when the loop breaks free

i'm busy watching heroes. well, obviously not so busy that i can't post. have you ever wondered about the nature of the world? i don't mean the molecules or atoms which make it up, or anything like that. no, i'm talking about the sense of it all. the feeling behind it. every little thing evokes an emotion. now, it is a possibility that our brains are trained to react to certain stimuli in such a way that a certain feeling is prompted when looking at a specific object or sight. however, what, in the nature of such an object/sight prompts the evocation of the stimuli? what basic aspect or principle of a flower brings a smile to tug at the lips? and how was such a reflex born? i want that, the history of it, the rudimentary building of ideas and circumstances which built a foundation for it. i want to glimpse that first domino among millions, that single push which is still causing those tiny ivory pieces to topple.
history. much like those first halting responses of a prehistoric mind, creates a base upon which we stand. but is it really a building so much as a tapestry, where each single thread builds into the next to create a complex system whose single purpose is to build a single design? i want to see those woven cords, the interlocking features which create the pattern. but, is it odd not to want to view the whole of it? everyone wants that picture, that image which, when viewed in one piece, will reveal the reason, the secret. but i don't. is it odd to want to stay among the threads, to immerse myself in them until the picture doesn't matter. because, as much as we crave that whole meaning, the real meaning lies beneath. the real mystery lies with the weaver.

ah. i went off on some non-linear thinking pattern. sorry. heroes can do that. well, if you got through the mess i just wrote, i should congratulate you. after all, it must be very boring...ciao.

not-so-happy 100th

i went to the doctor's today. one of my ribs separated from the others and is out of place. so i'm on muscle relaxers now. plus, i've lost ten pounds since the beginning of summer. my own fault, really. i've been having trouble with my stomach and haven't been eating as much as i should. my stepdad blames it on the fact that i'm a picky eater. he basically told me i was lying when i said that i get sick when i eat "heavy foods." "what's a heavy food?" ... duh. any red meats, anything considered rich. and fish. don't know what's wrong with me that i don't like fish, but the smell of it makes me nauseous. i hardly even eat chocolate anymore (excepting the wonderful pocky). but, yeah. apparently (according to good-ol' stepdad), it's all in my head. and the getting physically ill part is just my imagination. thanks for the vote of confidence. I'M NOT A FREAKING HYPOCHONDRIAC!!! i know when something's wrong with me, and i'm normally right, too. whatever. i probably should go and get some x-rays at some point, so i'll do that in a couple of weeks. oh. yeah. and milk messing with my sinuses is, i've just heard, "a lame excuse to not get calcium." ...okaaay...no. really, i like calcium. it's a nice thing to have; it's in yogurt, and cheese, ice cream, and cake. see? it's just milk i have a problem with. or, as my stepdad would say, "problem" with.
but, on a lighter note (not really lighter), the prescription for my glasses is to a -9 now. nice.
so, i'll just go and take my muscle relaxer now and play around with my rib for a bit (i'm supposed to stretch and whatnot, see if it gets better...he also doesn't want it to get stuck where it is...because then i'd have to get it broken and reset...)
well, bye!

accidentals

I had a very unusual dream last night...but i won't bore you with the details. ah! i had to go to the dentist today. yikes, right? well, i have to get a filling and the dentist gave me some toothpaste to help strengthen my teeth (because he says i drink too many sugary drinks). but, other than that, it was all fine. on thursday, though, i have to go to the eye doctor's. i don't really want to. who knows how bad they'll tell me my eyesight is? and after that, i have to go to the doctor because of my ribs. my mom's worried about it, even though i think my ribs just came out of place again. still, it's good i'm going. i was due for a checkup, anyway.
well, here's to health. and a dream bandroom located in the deepest part of a manufactured cavern...
well, bye. i have to go write more fanfic stuff...

Through the utter despair

ugh. if it weren't for the fact that the show was so awesome and the finale so kick ass, i could hate the creators of Avatar: the Last Airbender. really, i mean, i could hate them for the loose ends not tied, the fact that the series has ended (despite network and fan complaints), and the fact that they completely decimated zutara. i really think i could hate them for that last one. But, really, i loved the two-hour finale--it was so masterfully done--and i can tell that, even if they don't continue Aang's story, the producers of the show will at least move on with other characters...and the avatar idea. it makes me sad, though, that this particular show has ended. the artistry was beautiful, the story incredible, and the execution nearly perfect. ah, but i always have hope. the DVD's are coming out soon...and by 2010, M. Night Shyamalan should release his take on the mini epic. so complete and utter despair hasn't quite taken me yet (though i was pretty close for a minute). of course, i didn't get to watch the finale live--my family wouldn't DARE allow me 2 hours of prime time with the television--but i woke up at about 7:30 this morning (after falling asleep around 4-something) in order to watch the recording. all in all, i enjoyed watching it...and i couldn't stop smiling! i just hope that the producers of the show will make good on their hint of another avatar story...
still, i'm crying over an animated television show. it's a bit embarassing. i don't normally cry unless devastating things happen and yet i feel horrible about the ending of avatar. aww...so sad. it was a great show, highly rated, and it could have gone on for a long while. but, the story was such that it had to come to a conclusion. it took its basis in anime and, like that genre, Avatar was always set to be a closed circle. perhaps that, in a sense, is what made the show so good--that sense of a complete story, not just a jumble of random adventures. like its influences--lord of the rings and star wars--it tells its story in an epic fashion. and there are not many shows like that. i think that's what i'm going to miss the most.
well, enough lamenting. i have some fanfiction to write, because i AM going to make zutara happen, even if i have to write it myself. ja ne!

in a daze

okay, so i went to START weekend at YHC...it was pretty damn fun, i must admit. i had a great time, especially after the little pizza party. we went to a rave (which wasn't a rave at all, more like a teeny dance party with a strobe light and non-rave music). and then i wandered around with some of the other kids when angela went to her room. i met this kid named christian. he's pretty cool...he likes anime and manga and went to japan. still don't know what i think about him, tho. anyway, i wandered around the campus until two thirty and then went to play pool and dominoes...and then i went to sleep about 3:30. not that late, actually, since i had been up until 8 in the morning the day before...
ah! registered for my classes. i'm taking honor's music appreciation, intro to computers, intro to public speaking, physical geography, and survey of civilization II. of course, i'm supposed to be taking two honors courses but, as i exempted out of english 101, they didn't sign me up for it...so i have to talk to louisa franklin, the woman in charge, and see what other project or class i would have to take this semester in order to stay in the honors program. so complicated, isn't it?
well, i should get back to my lounging around...ja!

so the spell ends...

i've decided... ... ... what have i decided? to take out one of my stories, dust it off, and begin writing it again. it's one of my most...resilient? pervasive?...stories; it jsut keeps drawing me back...and angela likes it. i've decided it's been on the shelf for a long while, so i'm trying to write it down, but i've had so many first versions of it, it's hard to start again and pick it up. still, i'm trying.
well, i'm off to write and brainstorm. bye!

a bookery dream

so my parents returned early from their trip. not that they didn't absolutely enjoy themselves. no, in fact, they loved it up in virginia. they said the only reason they came back early was because, if they hadn't, they would have come back to tell us we were moving. my parents are like that. they're not impulsive buyers...except when it comes to houses. and i have no doubt they would have come back with the deed to a new house. in fact, while they were gone, i half expected it. good thing they left early, huh?
well, they brought back scores of pictures from their journey on the blue ridge parkway. and it's beautiful. absolutely beautiful. i wish i had gone. but, alas, i was left home. still, there's always hope. my parents are promising they will move up there at some point. so, nothing to worry about.
okay, so that's all for today...bye!

broken sunshine

so...bored...
my parents left on some road trip, the first real trip they've taken without us...ever. it's fine with me; i hardly notice it. but i'm not allowed to go anywhere while they're gone. which sucks. i mean, i can only find so much amusement online.
ugh. all right. today is what, the thirtieth? last day of june? monday, right? yeah...all weekend with just my brothers has driven me up the wall...but, really, they're more afraid of me when my parents aren't home than when they are. so at least they're being more behaved than usual. still, the first of july is tomorrow...and, while i'm glad that the summer is nearly half over (seriously. you just don't understand how boring my summers tend to be...well, on a day-to-day basis. white water rafting was fun), i'm getting antsy. a whole bunch of much-anticipated books come out this summer...at the end of july. in august. so far away, really...still, i'm sure the time will fly...and soon enough, i'll find myself walking around the college, tearing my hair out over the fact that i have so much to do...i'll be wishing for the large amounts of free time i have on my hands right now...even if it is boring.
in the meantime, i've been amusing myself by looking up gothloli stuff...not that i'd actually get anything...still, it's pretty cool. but, unfortunately, all the good costumes are sold in japan and are really, really expensive...not to mention the shipping...so, yet again, never going to get anything...
all right, enough rambling. i'm off to find something to keep me occupied for a while...maybe i'll go and watch more monty python (nobody expects the spanish inquisition!). bye!

finite nuances

i got my laptop! yay! finally. i'm pretty happy. yeah, but it seems like my laptop is going ot be the cause of many a sleepless night. my laptop now allows my brain to go faster when it wants to randomly make things up. i mean, i type waaaay faster than i can actually write...so last night was long...and i managed to get a lot of things done, oddly enough. it also might give me neck and back problems, as i was leaning down to see the screen for nearly four hours straight...sitting hunched over is not good for posture, apparently. huh. who knew?
well, other than that, i'm about to freak out because i can't find a whole bunch of my files. yep. i had them on a cd and the cd just up and disappeared. can't find it anywhere...that disk is like five years worth of creative work and it's nowhere to be found. and i have to find it because the files on my old computer won't convert, and i don't exactly feel like taking forever to simply copy and paste the work into some other program. believe me; it takes a while. so, i guess i'm going to have to tear apart my house looking for it.
oh, my parents are gone for the weekend/week. yep...woke up at like four this morning and went off on their little road trip. and my mom HAD to wake me up. she came in, shook me awake, and told me they were about to leave. and they left. yeah, after about an hour of going in and out of the house, slamming the door each and everytime, stomping around the house, and generally making as much noise as possible. lovely. so i've been up for a while...with very little sleep last night, as my laptop kept me amused and awake for a good long time.
well, i should leave now...i've got more things to do...ja na.

lonely but for the faerie raft beneath...

darkness creeps, nary a hint of sun, as she leans from the window, gazing in wonder at the stars whose colors shine with a different light. and what does her frame lay upon but a hill filled with shining hopes? those thoughts and dreams twine about her and sink below to fill halls of silver and gold, where the fairest dwell in ease. a mighty court, dressed in finery and word-spun silk, gaze up at those threads which bring to them the world. and so well did her heart beat they stole her from the hilltop, whispering lullabies along the way. so forever did she stay beneath, still form dressed in colors unknown, to sleep and dream for the eternal fae.
dreams are but whispers in the ears of time, slowly drifting as observers, helpless in sleep, are swept up with the current. sleep not upon hills of impossible green for who knows what visions lurk beneath?

dancing in moonlight

so the solstice is tonight. i have no real special plans...but, gosh...the full moon was yesterday, wasn't it? so close. but, back to solstice plans...you know, every year my mom and i get invited to this big midsummer festival out in the midwest. i'm going to go one year, i swear. unfortunately, lack of funds keeps me pretty much stationary...awww...and it looked so fun this year, too! well, like i said: someday...for now, i can only have small celebrations. but, sadly, as i work tomorrow, i can't really do anything...which is sad. i'd really like to have spent the day making cakes, dancing and singing, and just being generally merry. i wish i could have woken up with the sun and whatnot, spent the day in fun, festival-like activities, and then watched the sun set...but i didn't. i woke up at noon (after being up until like half an hour before the sun rose), and then i had a giant dose of laziness and spent most of my time playing Final Fantasy...but, hey...it works. i had a nice day of rest...
well, this is my last weekend of work. yay. now the rest of my summer can be spent without having to worry about the stupid little dramas of the nursing home...god, it's worse than high school in that place, what with all the grudges, talking behind people's backs, and gossip. it's really quite tiring. besides, my lungs are really acting up this summer...and my ribs, too...so it's better if i get some rest and see the doctor and whatnot before college.
speaking of college, i'm pretty excited. a bit apprehensive, but excited. i am ready for it. well, not quite. my laptop still hasn't arrived. in fact, the order was canceled and i had to reorder it. partly my fault. i don't normally remember to check my e-mail on a daily basis and missed an important e-mail...which sucks, but hopefully i'll get my laptop soon...considering i first ordered it a month ago...
i want it to rain. i like the rain. but everytime it rains, i'm either cooped up at work or asleep. i like to dance. and the rain glitters so invitingly.

"Perhaps we've been incorrectly labeled..."

so the scottish festival was fun. i didn't really get to go on saturday...well, except for the concert for Hunting McLoed (spl?). we made so many friends there. and, well, i just can't explain in words how awesome it was...
okay, onto something else...ah! i have three more days of working at the nursing home and then i'm gone...and then next month i'm going to the doctory, the eye doctor, the lung specialist, and whatnot...you know, to make sure that i have everything in order for college...i might have to go and get another TB test, seeing as i work at the nursing home...but i already had one...so, i might just have to get those records sent over to yhc...idk. but i will, most likely, have to get another one b/c i got a TB test when i started and i've been there for a while. well, whatever.
so, basically, i'm not really doing anything for the rest of the summer. except, well, to go to START at yhc and have some fun with angela and liz. and whoever...will's birthday is on the 11th, so we'll have to see what's happening with that...i wonder if he's doing anything for his birthday or if he'll have it later, considering he's going to START on that day...
well, enough of my ramblings...i'm going to write some and listen to the wonderful Narnian music that's playing from my living room...that's right. my parents are watching narnia. and the ONLY reason i'm not in there watching it with them is because i've already got most of the film memorized.
all right, bye, people!

sunshine, daisies...and a snowstorm!

eh, i can't wait until the weekend...it's going to be so fun...liz is coming for the weekend and the scottish festival is going to be here! isn't it great??? i just hope it doesn't rain too much...i don't mind the rain, really, but the festival might be canceled if it rains too much...which would be horrible. IT'S RAIN, PEOPLE! WATER! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO MELT!!!!
i missed the festival last year because my mother was being idiotic...so i've been waiting for a LONG time for this weekend. i really have...
uggh...my laptop got delayed in production so it won't be shipped out for another week...that just makes me sad. i've been waiting for weeks...
well, there's not much else to say here...i mean, i don't lead the most interesting of lives...okay...so my room is now covered in post-it-notes...but, really, that's not too interesting...i mean, i've had maybe ten-fifteen hours of sleep in the past 72 hours...but it doesn't mean i'm cracked. yeah...well, the post-its are a product of my over-active imagination (which tends to wake up just around the time i want to go to sleep so i'm forced to turn my light back on, fumble around for pen and paper, put my glasses back on, and spend the next two or three hours writing stuff many people would consider nonsense...but, hey...it's all good, really!). i just HAD to research names, and then go on to write a few more scenes...really, this story is building differently than my other ones in the fact that it is NOT going in sequential order (like my stories normally do). and that just annoys...so, not only do i have to quick write these scenes down, but i also have to take the time to put them in order with the rest of my random pieces of paper.
but, enough about THAT. as i said, completely boring and non-interesting. so, i shall have to say farewell...