For solitude is different than loneliness

i never really understood the appeal of a city. sure, there are lots of things to do and to see. so much so that people always say "it would take a lifetime to find all of _____'s treasures!" yes, the architecture is unique and innovative, the streets are filled with hustle and bustle, and there are wonderful shops and restaraunts at every corner...blah. one could say a thousand nice things about a city and yet counter them with a thousand bad things. but for me, the choice is simple: cities are nice to visit, but i'd rather live in a town with a population of 2,000 than live within a hundred miles of a major metropolis. i like the quiet, the solitude, the comfort of familiarity and the innate beauty that small towns hold. yes, they can look sad and abandoned, people could be poor and disheartened. but the same can be said of people in cities. and there are a lot more of those things packed into a smaller space. i find i like seeing the stars. i like finding the sky pierced by only a few 3 or 4 story buildings. i dislike crowds of people and prefer solitude. don't get me wrong. i don't want to be alone. i just want to live in that bolstered silence where your thoughts and a few good books can keep you in happy company.

but solitude, i think, is for those already content with their own thoughts and conscience. you can't feel sad and live in solitude. that sort eats away at you, i think. i've seen too many people who search out their "own lives" and fail in the finding. i wonder if i might not become someone like that. true, i am content with little contact for long weeks at a time, but i like a bit of company after a little while. maybe i should get a cat. and a nice collie or something for that deeper, happier companionship. and a garden. i like gardens... ack. now i sound like some old retiree, just sitting back in her rocker and wondering vaguely if she should bake brownies for the local kids...

true, i like all the energy and giddy atmosphere of being young, but i'd like to live out my life as if i were an old woman. isn't there some sort of switch that i can flip to jump between the two? i guess not. well, lazy summers are soon abound, for i'm going up to Pennsylvania to be with my grandparents this summer. they may have traded their wonderful, personally designed (by my grandmother) house for a nice, efficient condo, by it will be nice to be up there. relaxing. hey, we might even go to the shore. that would be nice, i think. i'm looking forward to it.