on why i went to the woods...

okay, so i was at work, making a pizza, when this little poem popped into my head...it's not really good, just a sort of random thing...still...enjoy!

Oh, Thoreau, what did you do
out in the woods all alone?
"I sat and thought of things unseen,
"of God and men and earth and trees."
Good Thoreau, my dearest friend,
what happens in the night and rain?
"I cannot tell you that, young dear,
"for 'tis to each his own out here."
Still, I do but ask in all respect:
why did you go into the woods?
"That, young child, is for you to find
as you search in the Wood."

i thought it was a funny little thing, so here it is! yeah, that was all I really wanted to post about...

time for words from a rambling mind...

i was sitting in my room when this came to me...and i just had to write it down...it's sort of meaningless, but i'll put it here anyway...

Science has caught up with belief, I think. Instead of disproving the existence of God, or of some higher being, it has, instead, only given reasons to strengthen such belief. Science tells of atoms, which are, in themselves, created of the same components. We believe these tiny components hide behind no covering or skin, merely generate their own fields with which they use to keep themselves independent of the others. And yet, thinking in such a way, could one not assume that everything, then, is connected? That, despite our skins, the only things separating ourselves from the very around us are minuscule fields generated by the rotation of things so tiny we cannot ever hope to see? We believe they exist, we assume. And yet, even this basis in science is, itself, merely a belief, a blind faith of the inner workings of the universe. I myself cannot profess to understand the mysteries of either science or religion, and yet I know there lies a connection between the two. In this post-modern world, we can reconcile the two. And, yet, do we truly understand? Can we stop for a moment and ponder the enormity of what we follow? Still, should we have to? Blind faith should be simply that: blind. And yet we, as humans, question everything daily. We question the existence of the world, of the universe, of God. We believe something on faith, believing because we were told. And yet when science brings forth belief of another thing, we reject it, unwilling to open our minds to the possibility. Stubbornness, too, can rise just as surely as faith. We wish to keep science separate from belief, and belief separate from science. And yet both depend on the other. So why can we not accept things as they are? But perhaps, somehow, we do. Our faiths slowly changed, evolved, to cope with the wonders of the modern world. As our understandings of the world grew, so did our acceptance of those wonders. Science works on a series of steps and theories, yet proves nothing. A leap of faith is needed to accept what we believed was impossible. And is not religion based on the same leap? Science peels back the layers surrounding old mysteries, even as religion draws a veil over them. Two such warring actions can never come together. And yet they can, if only one believes.

so we walk alone on our paths, wondering if the road is just a road...

self-centered and horrid, two words which, at this moment, i might use to describe myself...but only facets...and this mysterious accusation is irrelevant in any case. Not only do they stem from two different conversations, they really have nothing to do with each other...in the mean time, i must express my deep and sincere regret that i didn't pay more attention to the sky today. Normally, on cloudy days such as this, my attention is captured by the contrast of the stone-gray clouds against the dark mountains, or how sometimes, if you look at just the right moment, mist rises from those dark forms and bleeds into the sky, the color of damp, ruinous stones...i want to be in a smaller house. odd thought, seeing as my house is small anyway...but i mean, when i debut into the real world, almost completely independent from the previous generation, i want a smaller house. i like warm things. i want a tiny house with one room and a teeny living room and a cramped kitchen. i want to smile at every single corner, with yellow rooms and wooden rooms and windows with curtains i can fling back just as the sun is rising...i want to be content. I don't necessarily want complete happiness, for how can i know if such happiness will be anything more than a simple, fleeting thing? but, then, i suppose all things are like that...wow...the sun just came out...funny how it makes me want to laugh...and then the clouds move over it again, plunging things suddenly into the dim. hmm...i'm hungry. i think i shall go and find something to eat...oh, i've just rediscovered robert frost...i had forgotten how much i liked his poetry...my favorites, by far, are "Fire and Ice" and "Nothing Gold Can Stay..." but i do also enjoy "Atmosphere..." and the sun's out again.

Sunday post

okay...so how did my fall break go? to tell you the truth, can't really remember much. this whole week has been nothing but reading, writing, and watching movies...oh, and there's always been music in the background. saturday i read and watched movies then went to work...sunday i read and watched movies and went to work...monday i wrote, read, and watched movies, went to work, and then went to angela's house and watched heroes...tuesday i went food shopping with angela, watched movies, and then went to see Elizabeth...wednesday, i read and watched movies, went home, read and watched movies...thursday, i wrote, read, and went to work...friday i read, watched movies, and read some more...yesterday i read and wrote (a lot!), and watched Mists of Avalon (good movie, there! and book, too!), then went to work...and watched that episode of Avatar: the Last Airbender I missed...and today has been devoted entirely to manga and to writing more of my fanfic. later I shall go to work. my life is a study of monotony...with wonderful kidnappings by angela every other week or so...it's a bit sad, really, but I don't mind. i mean, really. if you notice, reading, writing, and watching movies is just a giant escape. technically, i have had the most exciting week ever. i get to talk with ancient greeks and celts, meet merlin, travel to avalon, have fun on the beach with Fire Nation friends, hang out with werewolves, and basically go wherever I want. whenever i want, too. And when i surface, I can sit and watch the sunlight dance on my desk, or the moon shine becomingly in the night sky. I can watch cardinals hop around in trees and listen to birds sing. And I can smile as shadow leaves shift and sway on the curtains. All this seen from the haven of my little gray box, seemingly more boring than any other...but then you look inside and the walls are murals with a thousand changing scenes. It's nice.
So, my fall break was uneventful (though angela and i went to search out halloween stuff, which was fun!), and I'm eager to get back to school. But i'm glad i got some rest, even if my imagination wouldn't sleep.

Gasp! is it true?????

apparently, yes. Apparently the rumors (and speculative fanfics) are right: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is gay. Yep, it's undoubtedly true, as J.K. Rowling herself admitted before a full house at Carnegie Hall. And Dumbledore's secret crush was none other than his friend and foe Gellert Grindelwald (hehehe...his name sounds like Grendel...Grendel chomp chomp, Grendel chomp chomp...)! Ah, perhaps this will finally put an end to all of the Dumbledore-McGonagall fanfics out there (probably not, there will be one or two really crappy ones where Dumbledore realizes he's only been fooling himself and was really in love with McGonagall the whole time...). Well, Jo's announcement was met with applause and cheers. And the out comes after Jo's recent declaration that she regards her books as a "prolonged argument for tolerance" and wants her fans to "question authority." So wow. The thought that Dumbledore was gay never really crossed my mind. But now, even more than before, I believe that Sir Ian McKellan should have taken over when the first Dumbledore passed away. I mean, my parents already get Dumbledore and Gandalf confused. And I think McKellan would be a bit truer to my depiction of Dumbledore anyway, especially since Dumbledore always sort of reflected Gandalf. Anyway, this announcement is cool. A bit shocking, yes, but cool nonetheless. Well, i have to go...my kitty looks so cute, i just have to go and pet her...

no title here today

my mom woke me up at 7:00 this morning. She was about to have a panic attack, or I might have gotten mad. But she woke me up because two of my dogs attacked our barn cat. You see, we have four big dogs we keep inside the house with us. We let them out into their little fenced-in part of our yard all the time and whatnot. And these dogs really are big. Our oldest dog, Bruno, is half rottweiler, half Australian shepherd. He's big, he's lumbering, he's fluffy and thinks he's only 12 pounds instead of 130. Our next biggest dog, Greta, is a lab. A fat lab. A fat lab who likes nothing more than wiggling around until we give her another dog biscuit. Then there are our two smallest dogs, each over 50 pounds. The first, Puppy, is a lab-terrier-border collie mix who used to be really, really hyper but now just sort of lays around all day looking pretty. The last, Maggie, is part boxer, part chow and surprisingly pretty; her tongue is splotched with black. So those are my dogs, spoiled rotten to the bone. Outside our house, we have various other animals. We have geese, we have a cat (or cats, we think), field mice, an oppossum, random pretty birds, cows, and rabbits. Now my cat, Kissandra, is a pretty little tabby with lovely tawny eyes. The nicest thing ever, if a bit skittish. She loves nothing more than to jump the fence and go into my dogs' yard so that she can sleep in the shed right beside our house. I've always disliked that and I've always disliked the fact that my parents decided our dogs should have a yard that encircles that shed. Well, anyway, Maggie and Greta attacked poor Kissandra this morning. Luckily, my mom was able to get them away and into the house. But she woke me up and I went out, got Kissandra, and told my mom to close off our sunroom. She did and I brought Kissandra inside and now I'm just watching her to make sure she's all right. While my mom cries and goes back and forth from the sunroom and the rest of the house, blaming herself about the whole thing. Really, it's not her fault our dogs finally decided they were actually going to do something other than sleep.
I'm still more shocked about them actually getting up the energy to run after Kissandra than about Kissandra getting hurt. Luckily, however, Kissandra's not bleeding. I don't know if she's really okay, but we're going to wait a little while before taking her to the vet. She just seems to be a little woozy right now. I hope she's all right.
All right, so now that I'm trappd in here on kitty-watch, I might as well use my time to my advantage and watch some anime or work on some of my stories and such...maybe some monty python...

Ack!

Boredom. It is only the first day of Fall Break and already I am bored out of my mind. I'm stuck at home and so confused as to what I want to do. And not a new book in sight! But, luckily, out of boredom comes great inspiration. Over the course of the last two days, I've had no fewer than five ideas for various stories. And I'm feeling good about that hundred-and-thirty page monstrosity that's been waiting on file. I think I can finally get past that one character...but I'll have to sit and stew for a bit longer. I should probably get cracking on rewriting the story I keep promising myself I'll rewrite. Nothing big, mind you, just some things I need to edit and such...but I really don't want to. I finished the story, it's over, no more work needed. except it needs to be edited. grrrrrr...Well, I have a week to play around with...and then I have to read Kriegy's essays. that's not too bad; I've already read a couple. The Darwin thing and the Communist Manifesto were surprisingly good reads...But what to do in the meantime, when my brain is all jumbled up with multiple storylines? hmmm...I'm so very bored...perhaps I shall go eat something...ramen, maybe...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to start a story? well, for me, I mean. First, i get a sense of a character. And then their story slowly unfolds. But do I just pick a random name and start writing? No! I have to go into lengthy detail about the smallest things which have hardly any relevance to anything besides my own peace of mind...and the name? it has to actually mean something to me. The name must suit the character somewhat. All that insanity is why I was up until five this morning, scribbling in some random notebook...with hardly any of my latest story written out. Because my little background had to be completed before I could write past the first couple of pages.
I'm excited about the Pathways contest. Did you know that I've won third place in the prose contest since my freshman year? yep, random little fact. I hope I get third place this year (no aiming for the top for me!)...it will complete my highschool acomplishments (not counting, of course, the biggest accomplishment of all: graduation). You know, not many people have entered anything into the Pathways contest. It's sad. Now, ready yourself for blatant advertising...
The Pathways Contest is once again being held and the deadline is almost up! If you have any poems, songs, artwork, or prose (stories, essays, etc.), then submit them to Pathways! You might just win some extra cash. Not only that, but all winners will be published in the Pathways Literary Magazine of 2008!!! and if your work shows up, you get a free copy!!!!! So please, please submit your works to Mrs. Durbin in the Library!
All right. My blatant advertising is now over. You can breathe a sigh of relief...
...well, that took up a couple of minutes...now, to tackle the rest of the day...

so what happens now?

Reading about the Katrina essays yesterday made me wonder; what would I decide if I had to make a decision regarding the rebuilding of New Orleans? And I must say that I am not entirely certain I would be capable of giving a clear and decisive answer. After all, I am quite divided on the issue. For the most part, I say yes, rebuild. All that history, all that color, cannot go to waster. Besides, some of my favorite vampire novels take place in New Orleans and what shall happen if New Orleans is left in ruins. Poor, sorrowful Lestat. and Nick will never forgive Acheron, not in a million years. I can almost see it, that idealistic, wonderful version of New Orleans, where even the ghost seem to be flesh and blood. And I want that rebuilt. I want to see it. There is, however, another side of me entirely, which believes that we shouldn't mess with such ruin. Though some might not think it, there is a slight beauty to the destruction of a great city, despite what filth remains when the water recedes. If, for a moment, you step away from the reality, if only for a moment, you can almost see the macabre frailty of a city which once thrived. Yes, the ground is discolored with moss and mold, yes there is a sodden house, its once white facade grey and cracking. But there might also be a silent tree, twisted and bare, which no longer whispers in the breeze. And there is a sad beauty in that. But once the picture fades, you are left with reality: the sea swept through New Orleans and revealed what lay beneath the vibrant surface.
Is it really worth rebuilding? Can we truly hope to harness the power of nature? We thought we had when the levees were built and, yet, they created more problems than they helped. By building levees, we raised the river. Silt collected and built up the land beneath the water. The river grew and yet the surrounding land did not. Yes, we can build levees which we believe will never break, but what point is there to that? The river has cut a path through America for far longer than we have lived. The delta shifts and moves with every year in a cycle as old as the earth. Do we truly believe that we are in the right to disturb such a pattern?
So New Orleans might be rebuilt. But whatever glory it might reestablish, whatever mask it might don, it can no longer hide its face. We have seen the dregs; everything has been laid bare. Even if we rebuild, will it ever recover its former facade?
I hope New Orleans is rebuilt. And, then again, I hope it's not. For the sake of those who will not move on, I hope the home they remember returns. But, by rebuilding, will we not be inviting the inevitable?

sorry for going into such a long spiel. Like I said, I'm torn on the issue, but I'm leaning a bit more towards just letting whoever have their way. Like I said, I'd hate to have to make such a decision.

do-re-mi...

all right. yesterday,we were supposed to find out who got which solos. well, there were a couple of ties, one of which was for "Think of Me," the solo I tried out for. well, it was a tie between Hannah and I, so the chorus had to vote again (during which one girl behind me asked, "who's stephanie" and then grew horribly embarrassed that i was right in front of her). i surprised myself by being totally and completely calm during the entire process (mainly because i didn't have to sing a second audition). and cov said we'd find out the results on Tuesday. Well, today is tuesday.
So, i walk into the chorus room this morning, put down my thin, and then turn to sign in. I glance at the board and guess what i see? the results for the solos! and do you know who got the "Think of Me" solo? yep. that's right. Hannah. Okay, not really. I got the solo. which makes me both happy and terrified. I'm one of those people that secretly feel guilty when they mess up and I'm not certain I'd be able to handle it if i messed up the solo during the concert. It would be embarrassing, certainly, but I'd make the chorus look bad. that thought just makes me quake in my shoes. but! i can do this...hopefully. I mean, it's the shortest solo in the whole concert (which is why it seemed so appealing to me at the time of the try-outs).
Well, despite my mixed emotions, I'm having a fairly good day...well, so far at least. Let's hope it stays that way, hmm? all right. Sadly, I must go. dakara koso sayonara nanda

don't worry; the sky should stop falling by tuesday...

college. that big, looming goal which everyone is looking towards but not necessarily looking forward to. you know, i had this dream last night...it had to do with college. i was walking down the hall in the elementary school in Pennsylvania I used to go to (ringing rocks elementary) with my books in hand, just randomly, as if it was normal for me to go to highschool in an elementary school far, far away. well, i was walking down the hall and everyone around me (apparently, i had moved the whole of our high school into this teeny elementary school)was freaking out. Some were pulling their hair, others were banging their heads up against the wall, muttering about how they didn't like that flower right next to chapel on their prospective college campus...stuff like that. and here i was, just humming a happy tune, looking for my next class. i think that's indicative of something...do i not worry enough?
i'm pretty laid back, i think. i mean, everyone's all worried about their majors and their colleges and everything, and i'm just off in lala land, thinking that i shouldn't let that one character sneak into my story even though they're a great character (sorry, but you just sort of put the story on hold and throw everything into chaos, palladia!) yes, i worry, but not as much as everyone else, i think. and maybe that's bad. worrying can be quite healthy sometimes. i mean, it makes people get right on things instead of horribly procrastinating.
while college, for some, is beginning to take on the shape of this giant, monstrous fortress, where everything is dark, gloomy, and overwhelming, i'm walking along, ignoring it all. the onyl thing on my mind is tuition, and even that's a vague sort of worry, really. still, i can work myself into a state if i really want to. i have a horribly defeatist attitude. *sigh* i'm one of those people who don't care to notice things until they're right on top of me...or i've been in the same place for a few months. one day i look around and say, "hey! this is odd. oh, look...the tiles are different than in the other hallway..." and go right back to floating around...change doesn't necessarily bother me.
and yet, in the middle of the night, poor, horrid defeatist stephanie crawls out and takes my place, muttering gloom and doom tales about the failure in life ahead. she goes and mutters to anyone who'll listen. thank god my mom has an equally defeatist attitude (towards me) and gets me angry enough to snap out of the glum attitude. she does it on purpose.
oh! yesterday i watched My Neighbor Totoro. i forgot how much i love that movie. i haven't really seen it since i was seven...that was the last time i was ever able to watch it because my brothers ruined my second copy of the movie...but, anyway...miyazaki is so cool. i love his films. they're hard to make sense of sometimes, but really great. Oh, I also watched Princess Mononoke, which i had never seen before, further establishing my love for all things hayao miyazaki. he made one of my favorite movies ever--Howl's Moving Castle--which just so happened to be a wonderful book beforehand. He introduced me to such wonderful characters as Totoro, Calcifer, Beep-boop, Haku, No-Face, Ashitaka, Howl, and, of course, Turnip Head.
well, i must go now...i'm off to investigate more manga...perhaps Ouran High School Host Club has been updated, though, with the way thigns are going, Naruto will end before I get to read another chapter of the Host Club...sad, really. What will I do? i've finished death note and fruits basket...*sniff* the manga must go on!
well, i'd say that's enough randomness for today. i shall be off. so long!

to continue...

i got a new computer!!!!! yay!!!!!! it's brand new and it was uber expensive (not really. it was like $400 or something like that...my mom finally got the money from the electric company!!!!). we also got a new stereo, which has speakers that light up blue!!!! so cool. anyway...since my people are out bowling, i'm stuck trying to install all of the programs and stuff and right now, my computer is not wanting to install my printer...what is up with that? really, seriously. the printer's only like a couple months old. well, no more complaints. i really like this computer, even though it has windows vista, which is sorta weird. but! it's all good. well, welcome back online stephanie...and writer stephanie (i have been absolutely dying because i haven't been able to post any new chapters on my fanfics!). so, wish me luck with my printer!

Singing Update (no actual singing involved)

okay...we had our solo tryouts this morning...mine went...okay...well, i got up there (because we have to sing in front of the whole class) and Erika Bunpumkoon (?) went before me. and she was nervous, which made me nervous. i was shaking really, really bad. then it was my turn. so i started singing....i did fairly well...until i forgot how to breathe. right in the middle of the solo, i was suddenly like, "oh my god. i just forgot how to breathe!" so i faded out on a part but managed to finish. that was good. so, needless to say, i probably didn't get the solo, but that's all right. it wasn't a life-altering, live-or-die sort of thing. i'll get over it. luckily for everyone else, only one other person freaked out. poor ashley loyd. she got so nervous and panicky. i think she was having a panic attack, but she went up to sing, and that was good. she managed to get out a few notes before turning red and stopping. i hope she's all right. really, she puts too much pressure on herself, i think.
so my morning was so-so. luckily, though, i got to eat a brownie right after my solo, so i'm good. all hail the wonderful ability of chocolate to make me giddy enough to forget mortifying mistakes like forgetting how to breathe! chocolate, chocolate, chocolate!!!!!!!!! all right, enough of that. let's move on to my trip to the book nook. i got my three books. and angela got a giant stack of music. yep. jeff (white-haired guy at the book nook) gave Angela the music dorothy (jeff's wife who is a professor at North Georgia Tech) promised she'd give her. so, all in all, it was a good little shopping trip there. worth the wait.
all right. lunch is soon so i have to go...

The cloud moves and starlight shines through the curtains

okay...after a whole entire night of babying my throat, i am able to sing today...though if someone looked at my throat, they would probably want to rush me to the doctor's. it's okay, though...i'm rather used to it...you know, i don't think my throat has stopped hurting (besides a week or two of shining moments in which my lungs overshadow my throat) in the last four years...well, that's rather dramamtic. no, actually, it's not constant, just off and on. i get a lot of sinus infections and i get a lot of colds because my immune system isn't up to par. or i don't eat correctly (according to my parents who think that lots of meat fat and weird food combinations are the way to go...in actuality, i eat better than they do...more fruits and vegetables and less meat, meat, meat!) anyway...first it was my toncils, which my rather inept doctor (i stopped going to that one a while ago) insisted there was nothing wrong. and then my sinuses and toncils. and then i got my toncils taken out and now it's just my sinuses. hopefully that'll go away soon. but, really, it's all just allergy stuff. and i'm not surprised. i mean, i have no less than four dogs, a cat, a mouse, and several bunnies roaming around my yard and house and whatnot. and smoke. smoke is there as well...and my brothers are obsessed with those horrid body sprays which have warning labels about people with asthma. so...in a year or two, i'll leave and have clean air!!!! yay!!!!!
so what did i do to help my poor throat? i drank three cups of tea, a cup of hot chocolate, milk (which i'm not really supposed to drink because it messes with my sinuses...causing too much drainage or something), and some soup. i also ate m&m's, and had a LOT of cough drops. and...voila! i can sing!!!!!! good thing, too, because tryouts for solos are tomorrow and i'm hoping to get that one, teeny tiny one smack dab in the middle of phantom.
there are other bright spots. today (possibly), i'll go to the book nook and buy 3 (count them...THREE) books (to make up for september) and read them all!!!!! how wonderful is that? i'm also in a strangely good mood today...and i was in a strangely good mood last night...i suspect it shall last until tomorrow...but not exactly die because Writer's club is tomorrow!!! eeeek!!!!! okay. that's out...but not really because i'm still thinking about last night's episode of heroes...wonderful show...ahhh! but i can't watch house or bones tonight...sad. well, farewell!!!!! i shall see you all in ten minutes (give or take).

luck is for beginners...

okay...i know i haven't written in a while and there's a reason for that. my mom got another computer to replace the one that burst into flames and guess what? that one just kicked the bucket. won't even go past the startup page. so i have no computer. again. and i have to wait another couple of weeks before i can get another computer. sucks, huh? not to mention this weirdie throat thing. this weekend, it seemed as if i was getting over it, but then i woke up this morning and now my throat hurts worse than before...only now i can actually talk...which makes it hurt more. wonderful, isn't it? and i can't go to the doctor because my insurance is all messed up and my mom has "no time" to get it straightened out. yeah, right. she quit her job a couple of months ago and does nothing but sit at home all day and she doesn't have time? either that or she just says, "sorry, honey, i completely forgot about it." and i don't even have any of my regular medicines, either, so naturally i'm going to be sicker than normal. ok. my medicines are, like, uber expensive. just one--one, mind you--costs a hundred and fifty bucks. a month. so, needless to say, i feel miserable all the time. but, really, that's okay. the only thing i'm really worried about right now is whether or not i'll be able to sing. people really don't think of me as a singer, but i sing all the time. and it's really, really horrible that i haven't been able to sing anything in the past couple of weeks. so right now, i'm focused on that. well, anyway, i've talked enough. goodbye!