tales from the forest of gnomes

okay, it's a song title, i admit it...but i like it! anyway...i'm not at school today. my lungs aren't doing too well. it's not too surprising, as i've been having a bit of trouble all week, but today they're just bad, so i stayed home. and snuggled under my electric blanket to sleep more. ah! but don't worry; my lungs only stay this bad for a day or so. luckily, it's friday so if they stay like this, i won't miss more shcool days. i guess this is my lungs' retribution over the fact that i can stop my asthma attacks. weird, but true. all i have to do is stay calm and take small, measured breaths. it normally works, mainly because they're not like major or anything. so yeah. my lungs like to freak out when the temperature changes a lot. and this week the temperatures have been a bit odd. but for that, i just stay home and laze around all day. it's pretty nice. and my mom always tends to take me out around 2:00 to get some sweets or a new book. so yeah. that's why i'm not in school today. well, let me get back to breathing in vicks vaporub...believe me it helps a lot...bye!

if i wasn't a freak...i think i'd be dull

well, i don't think i'm EVER donating blood again...i am, apparently, too affected by the blood loss. i get loopy...and giggly. and random things seem funny or fun when they really aren't. and then, i get all weirdie and moody. like, i got home and was giggling like mad, and then i got hungry for some cake or something of the sort. and when my mom told me we didn't have sweets of any kind, i burst into tears and made my brother go to the convienience store across the street to get me some food. and when he came back without any food, i started crying again, only to stop when i stood up to get my robe (as i was freezing, tho the house is exceptionally warm today). yeah...i burst out laughing and didn't stop for a good half hour. adn then i slowly got better and looked back on the previous four hours with growing horror. yeah...like i said, i don't think i'm going to donate any more blood. it might not be a good idea...but at least i can move my arm, which is a good sign. i really thought that dropping my bookbag on my arm was going to make it hurt longer, but i guess not.
well, i should go. i have to yell at Tsukushi for a couple of minutes. yeah, that character's being an idiot. bye!

apples in may

okay, so i went to young harris today and did the whole tour thing. it's pretty cool there, so i think i'll like it...we got to sit in one of the professors' classrooms and he gave us a little mini-lesson. it was social politics...or something of the sort...it was actually a pretty good session; the subject was rather interesting. i think i will really like it there. so. yeah...though sometimes i think people'll look down on me a bit for going to Young Harris. but, really, it's a good school. and i know enough about myself to realize that if i ever went to a bigger school, i'd have trouble. i just couldn't handle that many people all around, you know? besides. at least at young harris, i can sit and stare at the clouds and stars and watch the sun rise over the mountains and such without too much trouble. you know, 'cuz i'm a bit loony like that...and that's something i like. besides, it's a good college, really. and the classes sound like they'd be a bit harder with smaller classes. i mean, mainly because the professors will know the students and will probably teach with more...idk, passion, maybe? in any case, it'll probably be like an AP class, so i'm game.
well, angela and liz were there, too. so that was fun, even tho we weren't in the same tour groups...liz and i kept passing each other, tho. well, in any case, i was walking up some stairs, you know, with the tour guy dude and whatever, and i felt like the whole thing was just a continuation of now. but, then, everything's a continuation of now, isn't it? oh look! ivy's grown in through the window! sorry, random. so i feel happy. well, not completely, wonderfully, bubbly happy. yeah, because that would probably be indicative of a stupid decision coming my way...or at least a hastily made one...
ack! the days are too long, too long! and the weeks seem so short! all right, well, i suppose this is the end of my post. oh, and i hear we're supposed to get some snow and freezing rain tonight. hopefully, we won't miss anymore school.
all right. so i'm off to watch the rest of Hana Kimi. or, rather, Hanazakari no Kimitachi e, as it's the japanese version...bye!

If feathers from the wings of an angel fell would i think them naught but snow?

i see the world from my window. and imagine how it would be if i was more of one thing and less like another. would i dare to step out in the snow, arms lifted to catch the whisper-soft flakes? would i smile and let my head tilt back so that i could glimpse eternity in the falling white? would a laugh escape my lips as the cold touched my cheeks? or would i lose the imagined delight to the sensibilities which lay beyond my window? sometimes i wish i could stay in my room forever, never disturbed, so that i could gaze out my window forever. and what would i glimpse, from that small portal there? i could witness the passage of time and keep the illusion that i am still unchanged. the land would change, people would come, towers would be built. and yet i would stay there, unmoving, unblinking, until at last i find myself without form, a figure silent and sad, still gazing from the window. But that's too sad, isn't it? i didn't, however, mean it to be sad. i was simply thoughtful. after all, thinking remains my only means of escape from the walls i willingly built. but enough of that. though i cannot seem to stop myself, i shall try. no one deserves too many glimpses of so strange a mind. should the strings that hold me ever fail, will i fall into the depths until the end? maybe. but, then, i've always been able to keep myself afloat. ah, it's truly a pity i can't sink beneath the surface. i think being crazy would offer a freedom few of us ever have the opportunity to experience. and that thought alone will keep me sane. i haven't figured out yet whether this is a good or bad thing. maybe the entire world needs a bit of insanity now and then...to pull them--at least for a moment--from the nonsensical. after all, the world never makes sense when you're sane.
oh, but have you ever stood and looked up as the snow fell? it's like you're falling too. the world seems to spin, ever so slightly, beneath you...though you barely feel it because the ground no longer matters. you're there, with the snow, drifting witht he wind. sometimes it's fast, or slow, like a dream. and the world narrows. in the daytime, everything's white and grey, gentle, drifting...but at night...! at night it's as if you're encased in this own little separate realm and things are so focused. nothing matters but those snow flakes fluttering down. nothing. it's a...narrowing of everything...but an expansion, too. it's not something which can be entirely explained, you know? that's why when it snows, i dream of angels' wings. and i dream of things i could never hope to express. i want to keep those moments close...more so than most any other. because...well...have you ever felt everything? i mean, have you ever thought of something far away, of strangers moving around their own little world, doing things entirely separate from you? have you felt, for just a split second, that there was no space? that you could reach out your hand and touch the petal of a flower thousands of miles away and yet at the same time feel the cool, feathery touch of a snowflake? it's like that. only, your encounters are never limited. you know? but, yet again, i babble. needless to say, i love the snow. that should suffice for now...
well, bye!

would the world still be beautiful at its end or more so because of its fragility?

So I can't tell you why my heart warms when it rains. But I can tell you it matters. It might not later, but it does now. You know...I never mean to spout out such nonsense. Well...perhaps others should find it nonsense. I, however, often find amusement in my odd ramblings and questions. Sometimes I look back on them and wonder just where they came from...which often sends me careening off into another hastily-documented musing. Should I consider these thoughts as an escape? After all, they could be observed as such. However, they might simply be honest reactions to the world around me. Then again, I could be crazy and someone will eventually use them as evidence to my lack of stability and sanity. Still, who would care enough to do so?
Things in life are quite fleeting. If you think on it, we humans are little more than tiny sparks in an endless darkness. Time, oddly enough, is the only thing truly timeless. But let's not go off on some tangent regarding time and all its mysteries (as I've done so before...). After all, time is not my main point (though it does play some part...and can I truly admit to having an actual point?). I suppose my point would be true beauty...and the nature of such a subject. Beauty, I feel, can be observed in that which is most fleeting, in that which has no true copy.
Think of a waterfall. It can be quite beautiful, ne? It glistens in the sun, tumbling white and silver, cascading down to disappear into a cloud of thunderous mist. Not water, really, but rather a collection of crystalline droplets, vying for freedom, only to disappear at the end. And the water falling down into such a sight? Ech inch of water is never the same as before. Constantly moving, constantly nothing but an evanescent tumble of shimmering water.
Or perhaps you'd rather bring a flower to mind. Perhaps a cherry blossom with shades of pink and white. So delicate, it begins as a bud, its petals slowly unfurling. But each day it changes--holding a different beauty for each stage of its life--until finally it gives up its tenuous hold on the branch that bore it and floats gently to earth, joining a shower of its kin. And is ever that cherry blosson so beautiful as when it rains down, reaching to embrace the ground which bore its parent? In that final dance, the blossom drifts down, a petal pulling away, and then another, and then another, until the flower lies on a dusting of its fallen companions, less than it was before and yet carrying so much more meaning. There is glory in the fall, glory in such gentle release. But can words capture it? Can words do anything but invoke a pale and fruitless copy of such a scene?
But I have digressed. I meant to write of beauty. But I cannot accept that I have. For there never can be any real beauty, can there? What I see may never compare to the sight of others. For my soul is not that of another.
I have questions. Many and for always. But who does not? Sometimes I can believe we were placed on earth merely to wonder at its mysteries. What is beauty? What is love? Will I ever fall in love? This is not guaranteed. After all, love, in my opinion (which doesn't count, seeing as i am quite young in the scheme of things), is a blending of souls--a kinship, perhaps. And my sould, I am afraid, is quite already enamored of the intangible.
So, when it comes to beauty, or love, or perhaps even the world's more enigmatic subjects, you must decide for yourself. I am only my own judge, after all, and can find only answers for myself. Do not look to others for your understanding; your heart alone knows what you struggle with.

the stars are out when the sun still shines

can people be so engrossed in the "bigger things" that they no longer see those small details? would very many people sit softly on the grass, a wilting petal in their palm, wondering over the tiny, hair-fine lines running like stream beds over its silky surface? but that's too random and dreamy, isn't it? i think, for most people, there's always a time when they find themselves too busy to do something simple like that...or even think about doing that. is it a good thing, i wonder, that we clutter up our lives with an excess of trappings, that we continuously move about, never letting our minds truly rest? what do your dreams consist of, i wonder? what images does your mind play in the dark silence of night? does your imagination soar over impossibly beautiful and colorful dreams? or are you lost in a world filled with the day-to-day jumble of moments?
can you describe, with a word, something you saw, some pretty thing you observed? for me, it's hard. for all my use of words, for all my time spent writing down scores of stories and poems, when i see something, i can't describe it. feelings, i think, can't be limited to a few words, they're all-encompasing, filling the heart and spreading from there, until the slowly fade, like ripples on a pond. but can you describe them? can you flip through a dictionary and pinpoint the world which describes how you felt, what you saw? i don't know if i'm capable. sometimes, i wish i was a painter. or that i could write music.two things without words that limit. odd that i feel this way and the thing i do with the most proficiency involves nothing but words. if you had the choice, right now, to be either a writer, a painter, or a composer, which would you choose?
ah, but i musn't look down on writing. with simple rhythms, and words, you can invoke anything. you can spread chills or warmth, elicit laughter or tears. well, i should stop questioning things, shouldn't i? it could get a bit gnarled down the road if i continue. still, if only we could diresctly demonstrate to people our own feelings, instead of using mediums...this world, i think, might be quite a bit different.
okay, i've written enough odd and unusual things...i shall say goodbye now...sayonara!

am i supposed to feel older now?

my birthday is tomorrow...or, rather, today...yep, i turn eighteen today. isn't it exciting? not really. my parents have been saying this whole week, "how does it feel to be almost eighteen?" in these really conspiratorial voices...and then they get all disappointed or alienated when i say, "it's a birthday, no big deal...i feel the same as yesterday..." it's a fact that i probably won't feel eighteen for another couple of months...but, you know, parents expect an answer...no noncommittal shrugs for them...they simply won't have it...
well, anyway, i'm here at angela's house, having a nice, eventful, GH/anime-filled sleepover...only it's like five in the morning and no sleeping has actually taken place...it's mostly been action all night. later today i shall go back home to my family and celebrate this "monumental" birthday, amidst idiotic comments and "advice" which sounds more like the firm belief of failure in life. you know, they think they're helping but, really, they're only making me wish i didn't have to leave my room and talk to them. i know they're trying to help and be useful, but i have commonsense! actually, it seems i got all of my brothers' commonsense, too, so i have my fair share...they don't need the whole, "even though you're not incredibly smart like your brothers (who, in fact, are not smarter than i am, if only because they are smart in only one area), and even if you don't have much of a chance, you really shouldn't get too depressed...you'll end up happy someday...maybe you'll settle down and have a nice bunch of kids..." yeah. because all that applies to me. i don't get depressed. it's not practical. why get depressed? after all, my life isn't nearly as bad as it could possibly be, what with all the possibilities in the world. and i don't care about whether or not i end up "happy" because that's not the point. and to settle down...sounds like a horribloe damper in my alone-with-books time...
needless to say, being eighteen isn't that great, if only because i don't care too much...should i care? should i be like every other student and immediately mark my eighteen-ness with some tattoo or random piercing? let's go wild and impulsive merely because we've hit some sort of wonderful number in our lives...IT'S A NUMBER!!!!! WHO CARES?????? okay, just wanted to get that out...your age doesn't really matter beyond the boundaries of the law...i mean, really...as long as you feel yourself, it's okay, right? numbers don't define you, do they? not unless your confidence is wavering...oh...and what's up with 40? yeah, it's one of those scary, up-there numbers but think: people live to like 100 now...forty isn't even halfway...don't complain about being old until you can't get yourself out of bed...
ah, sorry...didn't mean to go on a tangeant...i just think 40 is a pretty number and it's horrible the way people malign it...well, happy birthday to me...and everyone else who shares my birthday...

Tales from the new year

i went to the book nook today...i'm so glad...i mean, i haven't bought any new books in like a week...i was feeling pretty bad...i picked up Snakecharm by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes, Peony in Love by Lisa See (author of Snow Flower and the Secret Fan), and I bought a collection of the Brothers Grimm...yep...all in all, i'd say it was a good little book spree and a wonderful way to start out the new year...yes, so anyway, we didn't have school today and i hear we aren't having school tomorrow, either...oh, how awful! here i was looking forward to finally escaping boredom-land and get back to school but now it has been delayed...what a shame...no sarcasm intended, really. i don't know what i'm goign to do for another day...i can't stand it...if it weren't so cold, i'd go through with some dramatic escape plan just to amuse myself...you know, make rope out of bed linens, dig holes in the walls, bribe the "guard" dogs...the whole shebang...well, i'm gonna go now...i have more boredom to endure...bye!