when the loop breaks free

i'm busy watching heroes. well, obviously not so busy that i can't post. have you ever wondered about the nature of the world? i don't mean the molecules or atoms which make it up, or anything like that. no, i'm talking about the sense of it all. the feeling behind it. every little thing evokes an emotion. now, it is a possibility that our brains are trained to react to certain stimuli in such a way that a certain feeling is prompted when looking at a specific object or sight. however, what, in the nature of such an object/sight prompts the evocation of the stimuli? what basic aspect or principle of a flower brings a smile to tug at the lips? and how was such a reflex born? i want that, the history of it, the rudimentary building of ideas and circumstances which built a foundation for it. i want to glimpse that first domino among millions, that single push which is still causing those tiny ivory pieces to topple.
history. much like those first halting responses of a prehistoric mind, creates a base upon which we stand. but is it really a building so much as a tapestry, where each single thread builds into the next to create a complex system whose single purpose is to build a single design? i want to see those woven cords, the interlocking features which create the pattern. but, is it odd not to want to view the whole of it? everyone wants that picture, that image which, when viewed in one piece, will reveal the reason, the secret. but i don't. is it odd to want to stay among the threads, to immerse myself in them until the picture doesn't matter. because, as much as we crave that whole meaning, the real meaning lies beneath. the real mystery lies with the weaver.

ah. i went off on some non-linear thinking pattern. sorry. heroes can do that. well, if you got through the mess i just wrote, i should congratulate you. after all, it must be very boring...ciao.

not-so-happy 100th

i went to the doctor's today. one of my ribs separated from the others and is out of place. so i'm on muscle relaxers now. plus, i've lost ten pounds since the beginning of summer. my own fault, really. i've been having trouble with my stomach and haven't been eating as much as i should. my stepdad blames it on the fact that i'm a picky eater. he basically told me i was lying when i said that i get sick when i eat "heavy foods." "what's a heavy food?" ... duh. any red meats, anything considered rich. and fish. don't know what's wrong with me that i don't like fish, but the smell of it makes me nauseous. i hardly even eat chocolate anymore (excepting the wonderful pocky). but, yeah. apparently (according to good-ol' stepdad), it's all in my head. and the getting physically ill part is just my imagination. thanks for the vote of confidence. I'M NOT A FREAKING HYPOCHONDRIAC!!! i know when something's wrong with me, and i'm normally right, too. whatever. i probably should go and get some x-rays at some point, so i'll do that in a couple of weeks. oh. yeah. and milk messing with my sinuses is, i've just heard, "a lame excuse to not get calcium." ...okaaay...no. really, i like calcium. it's a nice thing to have; it's in yogurt, and cheese, ice cream, and cake. see? it's just milk i have a problem with. or, as my stepdad would say, "problem" with.
but, on a lighter note (not really lighter), the prescription for my glasses is to a -9 now. nice.
so, i'll just go and take my muscle relaxer now and play around with my rib for a bit (i'm supposed to stretch and whatnot, see if it gets better...he also doesn't want it to get stuck where it is...because then i'd have to get it broken and reset...)
well, bye!

accidentals

I had a very unusual dream last night...but i won't bore you with the details. ah! i had to go to the dentist today. yikes, right? well, i have to get a filling and the dentist gave me some toothpaste to help strengthen my teeth (because he says i drink too many sugary drinks). but, other than that, it was all fine. on thursday, though, i have to go to the eye doctor's. i don't really want to. who knows how bad they'll tell me my eyesight is? and after that, i have to go to the doctor because of my ribs. my mom's worried about it, even though i think my ribs just came out of place again. still, it's good i'm going. i was due for a checkup, anyway.
well, here's to health. and a dream bandroom located in the deepest part of a manufactured cavern...
well, bye. i have to go write more fanfic stuff...

Through the utter despair

ugh. if it weren't for the fact that the show was so awesome and the finale so kick ass, i could hate the creators of Avatar: the Last Airbender. really, i mean, i could hate them for the loose ends not tied, the fact that the series has ended (despite network and fan complaints), and the fact that they completely decimated zutara. i really think i could hate them for that last one. But, really, i loved the two-hour finale--it was so masterfully done--and i can tell that, even if they don't continue Aang's story, the producers of the show will at least move on with other characters...and the avatar idea. it makes me sad, though, that this particular show has ended. the artistry was beautiful, the story incredible, and the execution nearly perfect. ah, but i always have hope. the DVD's are coming out soon...and by 2010, M. Night Shyamalan should release his take on the mini epic. so complete and utter despair hasn't quite taken me yet (though i was pretty close for a minute). of course, i didn't get to watch the finale live--my family wouldn't DARE allow me 2 hours of prime time with the television--but i woke up at about 7:30 this morning (after falling asleep around 4-something) in order to watch the recording. all in all, i enjoyed watching it...and i couldn't stop smiling! i just hope that the producers of the show will make good on their hint of another avatar story...
still, i'm crying over an animated television show. it's a bit embarassing. i don't normally cry unless devastating things happen and yet i feel horrible about the ending of avatar. aww...so sad. it was a great show, highly rated, and it could have gone on for a long while. but, the story was such that it had to come to a conclusion. it took its basis in anime and, like that genre, Avatar was always set to be a closed circle. perhaps that, in a sense, is what made the show so good--that sense of a complete story, not just a jumble of random adventures. like its influences--lord of the rings and star wars--it tells its story in an epic fashion. and there are not many shows like that. i think that's what i'm going to miss the most.
well, enough lamenting. i have some fanfiction to write, because i AM going to make zutara happen, even if i have to write it myself. ja ne!

in a daze

okay, so i went to START weekend at YHC...it was pretty damn fun, i must admit. i had a great time, especially after the little pizza party. we went to a rave (which wasn't a rave at all, more like a teeny dance party with a strobe light and non-rave music). and then i wandered around with some of the other kids when angela went to her room. i met this kid named christian. he's pretty cool...he likes anime and manga and went to japan. still don't know what i think about him, tho. anyway, i wandered around the campus until two thirty and then went to play pool and dominoes...and then i went to sleep about 3:30. not that late, actually, since i had been up until 8 in the morning the day before...
ah! registered for my classes. i'm taking honor's music appreciation, intro to computers, intro to public speaking, physical geography, and survey of civilization II. of course, i'm supposed to be taking two honors courses but, as i exempted out of english 101, they didn't sign me up for it...so i have to talk to louisa franklin, the woman in charge, and see what other project or class i would have to take this semester in order to stay in the honors program. so complicated, isn't it?
well, i should get back to my lounging around...ja!

so the spell ends...

i've decided... ... ... what have i decided? to take out one of my stories, dust it off, and begin writing it again. it's one of my most...resilient? pervasive?...stories; it jsut keeps drawing me back...and angela likes it. i've decided it's been on the shelf for a long while, so i'm trying to write it down, but i've had so many first versions of it, it's hard to start again and pick it up. still, i'm trying.
well, i'm off to write and brainstorm. bye!

a bookery dream

so my parents returned early from their trip. not that they didn't absolutely enjoy themselves. no, in fact, they loved it up in virginia. they said the only reason they came back early was because, if they hadn't, they would have come back to tell us we were moving. my parents are like that. they're not impulsive buyers...except when it comes to houses. and i have no doubt they would have come back with the deed to a new house. in fact, while they were gone, i half expected it. good thing they left early, huh?
well, they brought back scores of pictures from their journey on the blue ridge parkway. and it's beautiful. absolutely beautiful. i wish i had gone. but, alas, i was left home. still, there's always hope. my parents are promising they will move up there at some point. so, nothing to worry about.
okay, so that's all for today...bye!